#ImpactLive – Total Nonsense Analysis

Day One– I think of this column as starting fresh each week. TNA has decided, against all logic, to make MVP heel already. So it makes sense that the top baby face in the company, Bully Ray, would come out and cut a promo against him. Ray also expressed his rage at the Dixie Carter clan along with MVP’s crew. After MVP’s crew came out and beat him down, Austin Aries and the Wolves came out for the save. I understand that things may move more quickly in the booking department today than it did yesteryear but it makes no sense for MVP to accept the match of himself, Bobby Lashley and Kenny King. I’m glad that MVP got the pin on Davey Richards because the heel faction needed a win. The only problem I had is that the announcers decided not to talk up Richards’ injuries from the previous week.

Bram debuted against Tigre Uno. A squash match is nice and good but Bram has given Magnus tough opponents. Beating up someone half his size doesn’t exactly prove his point. Thankfully, Magnus points out these exact points and suggests a match against Willow.

Madison Rayne not helping Brittany is mind boggling. You’re the baby face. Brittany isn’t quite Mickie James with Trish Stratus psycho so there’s no reason Rayne shouldn’t help her especially against her hated rivals! They just kicked your ass too. You’re just going to sit back and watch someone else get to fed to them? You’re a selfish bitch who should be the heel.

The Menagerie taking on the Bromans is perfect curtain jerker fodder. It’s just too bad that they forced the Gunner and Ken Anderson story line because it was irrelevant to the match and broader segment. At least it also makes sense that Anderson would have a problem with Gunner. Why not help earlier?

Brittany got help from Gail Kim but she was also cold to her. Why are you doing this to your baby face women? Or maybe I should phrase the question, why isn’t Brittany acting like more of a psycho? Both could solve the problem.

– I’m not quite sure what the conflict is between Dixie Carter and MVP. They didn’t resolve it this week either. Bully Ray & Eric Young broke up the party before it could go anywhere. Carter could at least offer ECIII’s services as a good faith gesture. I’d be fine with the heels teaming up. Again, I’m thinking wipe the slate on the stupidity of the turn. It ends with a match between EY & Bully Ray with ECIII as the guest referee. Bully Ray overshadowed the champ, which isn’t a good thing.

– Here’s the other weird thing about Brittany, if she respected the other Knockouts as much as she claims, she’d tag them. Her character has a real disconnect. She’s also taken a bad tag into her matches and taken the loss. It means there’s a story but why would she do that, again? Brittany respects these women. She would realize they dislike the Beautiful People as much as she does. Holy crap, this segment is still going on. Madison Rayne gets called out. They make Brittany look crazy for a minute but then they have the Beautiful People point out how bitchy Madison is being. It makes them look good and the crowd even cheered them. What are you people doing? You’re making every Knockout look terrible.

– I would say that TNA is copying the WWE with MVP, Bobby Lashley & Kenny King filling various ring side functions but it is  common occurrence in the “evil regime” era. The match between Bully Ray and Eric Young was pretty nondescript because of interference from the MVP side of the world. After things break down, Samoa Joe makes the save. Wasn’t Austin Aries the one with the problem? Better yet, why was Bully Ray in this match? Let him finish his feud with Dixie Carter. Put Aries in this match instead of Ray then we have three men (EY, Aries & Joe) against MVP’s crew. Bad ending to what was mostly a decent show. – Kevin

#ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

Marilyn MonroeI needed to get Impact Wrestling off of the DVR before we leave for New Orleans for Wrestlemania so, what the hell, I’ll review this stupid show again. If Chelsea Peretti comes to your town, it’s a good idea to go see her. Very funny.

– We start off with Bully Ray & Willow competing in a tables match against EC3 & Bobby Roode. I start paying attention when Willow puts EC3 on a table and attempts a Swanton. Rockstar Spud comes down and distracts him. Willow takes Spud to the back. “He’s so unpredictable!” screams Mike Tenay. That’s one of his character’s flaws. I understand him drop kicking a heel in a wheel chair. I mean, how can that not be funny? But there’s no reason to drag Spud to the rear while you’re in a match. Why would Spud be the main target of Willow’s pay back? It makes no sense. Roode & EC3 take advantage of Willow’s absense and put Bully Ray through a table for the win. It achieved a desired result in that Roode can brag over the win. Roode ends up putting Ray through two more tables. Nice beat down.

MVP is doing solid work but it’s not enough to save this burning wreck. Ken Anderson has to drag out his feud Samuel Shaw for a rubber match. I like the idea behind Shaw but I’m not sure there’s much of anywhere to go with him after this angle. Every time I see Anderson, I hate myself a little bit more for liking him at some point. It seems like such a long time ago when I thought that. I forget enough stuff, why not that factoid? Samuel Shaw gets the big win which is nice of Anderson to give him the rub because TNA certainly thinks he has something to rub.

Eric Young  just wanted to handle Abyss but stumbled into the title match. He says he deserves it because he’s earned his stripes. Taz backs him up by casually saying “EY has a legitimate gripe!” Thanks for backing him up with one line. EY needs more selling than that because he has never been anywhere near the Title hunt. But Taz knows that so he goes with a single line. Kenny King interrupting Tigre Uno and Sonata was a nice move by a heel. MVP doesn’t have a good reason to keep King down. Why not book him in a match immediately and save yourself from wrestling? Now that you’ve won control of the company, back off having matches so often.

Tigre Uno and Sonata had a fun little match but if it’s a best of three, I expect a longer match that seems more evenly matched. Instead, it was mostly a Sonata show case who won with a double underhook suplex.

– I understand having the segment between Magnus and Abyss, even if I thought it was drug out. The problem I had was when Eric Young attacked. He’s stupid for doing so when both of them around knowing you’d get a beat down. Samoa Joe’s look after saving EY told you how much of a joke everyone feels he is which is just another reason to have Taz sell him more.

– Why do I like train wrecks so much? These #KnuxReturns segments are ridiculous. The acting is terrible. The “lighting” or lack there of is supposed to provide a grittiness but just looks low rent. Knux family talking about him chasing his dream wrestling seems like they’re trying to paint him as this country boy gone city boy but I don’t think of wrestling as a big city job. Plus, they’re so generic no matter what they’re talking about. We know a flood was bad, a business may be lost and that stuff needs to be repaired. We don’t know where this flood took place, what this business is or what needs to be repaired. Don’t you think that’d be good information to fill in?

– While I was typing the previous paragraph, the Beautiful People won their return match with little fan fair. Madison Rayne had a partner named Brittany who I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen before. The Beautiful People only won because Brittany made a poor tag which doesn’t make them look strong and makes Madison look stupid. 2 birds, 1 stone.

– If MVP has a feud with Kenny King, I’ll scream. After a brief interlude with Magnus & EC3, TNA confirms this feud will continue. Wrestle or be the figure head. Not both. Ugh.

– The World Heavyweight Title is on the line between Magnus, Abyss, Samoa Joe and Eric Young. Keep in mind that they interacted about 40 minutes previous to this match. We then get a commercial and nine minutes left when they get back. You do realize that the WWE is running matches longer than this, right? With more skilled people, not even in their main event? I’m saying that liking Magnus and at least Joe in the ring. Eric Young ends up getting pinned like a joke too. Magnus told Abyss he loved him again which got Abyss to abort pinning EY who then had to sit there for a long time before Magnus dropped the big elbow.

@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

The Lloyds of London Building by Richard Rogers from theguardian.com

The Lloyds of London Building by Richard Rogers from theguardian.com

– I’m a much bigger fan of Magnus when he doesn’t act like a coward which is when he isn’t around Dixie Carter. I liked how he talked down to Samoa Joe, who had no verbal come back. Joe decided to beat the tar out of Magnus which isn’t a good sign for his chances at winning the TNA Title at Lockdown. I think Joe needs that kind of win to help make his character relevant again. The only problem with giving him said victory is that Magnus isn’t in a position to lose either. His reign hasn’t been long enough yet for a freshly minted heel.

– I love sneaky wins by heels. Bromans let the American Wolves do the damage to Kazarian of Bad Influence and swooped in for the pin fall. The problem with this type of win is that Bobby Roode wants a winner between Bromans & Bad Influence to join his team at Lockdown. If you see a pin like that, it can’t fill you full of confidence. I wouldn’t want to choose them any more than I did before the match.

James Storm and Gunner had some good banter going back and forth. One expects it out of Storm but it was a nice surprise out of Gunner.

– I’m sad to see Austin Aries in TNA. He is excellent and has been so in his segments with Bobby Roode and MVP. It helps to be in good company but I really like his style. He has gotten pushed back some but isn’t as lost as Bully Ray is. Here’s to hoping that him being the “hot free agent” helps bring Aries back to prominence.

Kurt Angle had a nice speech for his Hall of Fame speech. The guy has been around for quite sometime and despite his white trashness, he’s been a good performer the majority of that time. EC3 came out and continued to show why he was stuck in NXT. He’s just not as good as even Xavier Woods as I discussed with Dusty last week. He’s being served up perfect spot after perfect spot but he’s just not cutting it.

– At least they finally covered Samuel Shaw being completely crazy. He has a pretty decent delivery. Ken Anderson didn’t feel like he was in the rut he was against Bully Ray. From time to time, Anderson still shows why he could be a difference maker. Hopefully they can find some way to move the Shaw character on after his feud with Anderson.

– I have liked the videos from Willow. I always say how stale TNA is. Jeff Hardy is definitely out of the box thinker so I can’t blame him for trying to freshen up his look. I was wondering two things during this vignette though: Is he going to wear his mask in the ring? Because if he doesn’t, won’t it be a dead give away that it’s Hardy? Second, if he is really selling this personal change, does he bring in a new move set? If he uses all of his old moves, isn’t that a give away that it’s Hardy?

Austin Aries handing the win to Bobby Roode over MVP still could leave enough air space that Aries is acting as a double agent which could effectively make it a 6 on 4 for MVP’s team at Lockdown. It could be well played. We’ll see if TNA is that smart. – Kevin

Stunt Granny Audio Show#248

That's nice. Now when is he leaving?

That’s nice. Now when is he leaving?

Can you believe it’s time for another edition of Stunt Granny Audio?! Well, you better believe it, you dummy, because it totally is! This time around, Kevin and Dusty guide you through the latest and greatest happenings in the world of professional wrestling. Jay Lethal had some stuff to say, but really it was just an excuse for everyone to call him an ass goblin and talk about CM Punk. Was Punk really being treated unfairly in the booking? Was it an insult to book him against Triple H at Mania? Would he fit in to the current ROH scene? Or worse, TNA? How does WWE see Punk in the grand scheme of things?

They then move on to talk about Daniel Bryan and how his YES chant is catching fire across the globe. Many sports teams are picking up on it. Bryan could be a breakout superstar in the business because of this whole thing. Also, what is stopping the Miz from going any higher up the card? Dusty makes a bold prediction about the Miz as well. Also, there is discussion about Ethan Carter III in TNA. He was given the opportunity a lot of wrestlers would kill for with this gimmick, but can he carry the weight? All this and a whole lot more nonsense that you’ll have to hear to believe, so hear it already.

@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

norweigan-curling-pants

From money.cnn.com

Dixie Carter and Magnus complained about MVP who came out with Samoa Joe.  I couldn’t concentrate on the promos because of the hideous outfit of Rockstar Spud. You can go crazy with design and still look good. Those pants above are a perfect example. Plus, I watch entirely too much curling during the Olympics and needed to find a way to put this picture on the site. Gunner was an idiot for telling Magnus in advance when he’d take advantage of his briefcase. The end result of all the wrangling was Gunner having to put his brief case up against EC3, who has to put his briefcase, that is for the tag team championships, up too. After five minutes of a match, Magnus comes down to interfere so James Storm evens the odds. Then MVP comes back out and makes it a tag team match for the briefcases. Now if you just had a give and take for match stipulations to start the show, why didn’t Dixie counter this change? Will she get a unilateral change later? Gunner ends up taking down the briefcases which makes the most sense. They seem to want to have a break out star in Gunner so he needs the win to retain thre World Title opportunity. It seemed entirely too short of a match because of the stakes.

– I’ve got to say I like MVP as a character so far in his very short time in TNA. He’s still got it on the mic. It won’t make a cent of difference in the long run if they keep him in flummoxing stories like above. The Bromans get a match against The Wolves, Davey Richards & Eddie Edwards, and a mystery opponent. I FF to find out simply because I’m behind. Samoa Joe is their partner. I get the significance of having Joe the partner of his friends from ROH but shouldn’t they be featured by themselves for their first in ring appearance in TNA? Doesn’t seem like a hard thing to accomplish. Make it a non-title match with Robbie E & Jesse. Zema Ion tapped to the Rear Naked Choke. Again, shouldn’t the Wolves get the victory here? I know Joe is going for the title but it’s all the more reason to not have him in the match!

Dixie Carter got her unilateral decision by upholding the Velvet Sky versus Chris Sabin match. Because that’s a fair match up. Ugh. MVP gets berated by Rockstar Spud so MVP schedules a match against him. Huh? Why didn’t you save Velvet then? I’m so confused. I liked MVP’s mic skills but again the story makes no sense so it won’t help. Abyss calls out Eric Young. I’m disappointed that Abyss is walking away after developing his character so much. Realize you’re a combination of the two characters and we’ve got a nice mix.

– My favorite part of the MVP versus Rockstar Spud match was when Mike Tenay tried to make it sound like he had called MVP’s matches before. Taz politely corrected him. I’m not sure how he pulled that off but it was perfect. Best thing Taz has done in a long time.

– We get it, Bobby Roode is turning face. In my best Wade Keller voice: Does he have to intimidate a woman though? I haven’t seen any spoilers so the Willow character is Jeff Hardy, right? Chris Sabin and Velvet Sky have their match. TNA decided to invest in another large woman who can’t wrestle. Yep, spending money more wisely after getting rid of Hulk Hogan, AJ Styles and those other schlubs. Bring in new schlubs. That’s the answer.

– Just as I start to type about not being interested in the main event involving Mr. Anderson and Bully Ray, the crowd started chanting “This is awesome.” Jeremy & I talked about it on the audio this week, the athleticism shown on WWE TV these days is through the roof. This match showed none of that. Even the “extreme” aspects seemed plodding to me. Then just to cap off this awful match, Ken Anderson Mic Checks Bully Ray into the casket out of the blue for the victory. Bully Ray had just been stomping the tar out of him. How does that type of finish resolve a blood feud? You need a defining win. They also decided to air another skit with MVP and Dixie Carter fighting for power. We didn’t need it, it served no purpose and a blood feud main event match really could have used another five minutes of beating the hell out of each other. Jiminy cricket. – Kevin

@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

002 Tarek (Moritz Bleibtreu)Eric Young‘s experiment on Abyss/Joseph Park took a turn that I had not predicted last week. Young was determined to unmask Abyss and he finally did near the end of the match. It seemed it had dawned on Abyss that he was indeed Joseph Park. TNA cheesed it up by having him see himself in a broken piece of a mirror. I could get behind an unmasked Park because he looks better without the ten cent Mankind rip off mask.

Bobby Roode‘s baby face turn was planted even more with his frustration with Dixie Carter since she couldn’t make him the number one contender against Magnus. TNA has lost more baby faces than heels in the mass exodus of talent so they could use someone else on that side.

MVP is claiming to not want in ring action. Rockstar Spud is terrible as a lackey. His size fits the bill but that’s it. MVP makes a match between Magnus and Kurt Angle. I think it’s terrible to not build up this match now that Magnus is champ even if it’s to a TV PPV.

Bully Ray is making the best of some bad writing. It’s not enough to overcome the limitations. Curry Man comes out then Bully Ray comes out. Now is Curry Man’s opponent not going to come out? Or did he come out at an unscheduled time because Curry Man has free reign in TNA? Neither of those explanations are good to me. Unfortunately for him, he gets his ass handed to him by Bully Ray. Bully finishes Curry Man off by getting him into a pile driver then yelling “Anderson” then executing the move. Jeremy Borash follows up with what has to be the dumbest line that will be said all year “That was a direct message to Mr. Anderson.” with dramatic pauses in there. Just wow.

Zema Ion did the smart thing and assaulted Austin Aries with his X Division briefcase then calling for the referee. It’s a heel tactic by a heel. TNA uses logic for a change. Congratulations. No surprise that Ion was in a glorified jobber match. He got offense only because of the briefcase. Aries wins with the brainbuster.

Continue reading

@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

bizarro_world

From panelsonpages.com

– I really wish England would have made Magnus‘s promo a Bizarro World style one where the crowd cheered for him. Unfortunately, the crowd really wasn’t that into him. Kurt Angle is going to continue using Sting’s description of Magnus as a “Paper Champion” which is catching on for some reason but it shouldn’t be. That term is older than most of JBL’s references. Dixie Carter tried to talk Magnus out of a match that could make Angle or Samoa Joe number one contender but it wasn’t successful. I like Magnus’s defiance to Dixie is reasonable and not over the top anger which makes his character interesting. Too bad he isn’t selling it to me in any other way.

Lai’d Tapa is still so undependable that she wasn’t tagged into her own match with Gail Kim against Madison Rayne & Velvet Sky. The match was window dressing for her angle with Chris Sabin though. I’m glad Velvet ended their relationship because that angle had tons of potential and TNA pissed it away.

– I don’t like Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe only threatening Bobby Roode ahead of the main event. You know the heels have been getting help from their friends. Take the friends out so they can’t get help. Baby faces shouldn’t always be dumb.

– The James Storm makes up with Gunner promo was supposed to be touching with buddies realizing that they went over board with each other. It does happen in real life but two tough guys like this don’t make up with words. They make up by beating the hell out of a common enemy. They did that against Christopher Daniels & Kazarian, who are perfect foils for this situation. Too bad they didn’t interrupt this lovefest earlier.

– The only thing good to come out of Davey Richards & Eddie Edwards first appearance in the ring was the stipulation that no one could interfere in the match or else you are fired, which makes threatening Bobby Roode pointless by Angle & Joe. Why are you wasting your own TV time being redundant? You only have two hours. You can’t waste it like that.

– I like the story they are telling with Abyss and Eric Young trying to control him. They’ve treated this whole angle as an experiment, using the term often, and he’s been testing out hypotheses. I believe his thinking in having a Monster’s Ball match is to snap Abyss out of his rampage by making him sympathize when he beats the tar out of Young next week and turn back into Joseph Park.

Probably my favorite Christy Hemme picture ever. Saved from Fanpop.com.

Probably my favorite Christy Hemme picture ever. Saved from Fanpop.com.

– The Samuel Shaw angle was completely not sold by Mike Tenay or Jeremy Borash, which is criminal. Shaw had a basement wallpapered in Christy Hemme along with having a mannequin of her that he kissed to close the segment. I know Bully Ray, who came out next, is more important but don’t you think you talk about the angle you just saw as Bully makes his way to the ring? Shaw needs some help to sell his angle. He’s new. Bully Ray can sell his own angle. And that’s exactly what he did. Ken Anderson continues to have not developed on iota since leaving the WWE. They’ve beaten this feud to death so I’m glad a casket match will put it out of it’s misery.

– The “Investor” got out of the car before their last commercial break. I haven’t been this unexcited for a TNA announcement ever, which is quite a statement. I haven’t read the spoilers because that’s a waste of my reading time. Samoa Joe ended up choking out Magnus to become number one contender. Samoa Joe really hasn’t developed at all since he came from ROH. Mostly yelling again in this promo. Pull another tone out of the bag of tricks. Just as Kurt Angle starts to talk my DVR cuts out so I don’t know who the investor is. It’s 12:08 EST. I’ll find out who it is after a nice sleep. (Next Day Note: It really was MVP. So TNA decided to cut Hulk Hogan & AJ Styles but they brought in Edwards, Richards and MVP. TNA is probably still saving on pay roll but doesn’t it bringing in these guys undermine the concept? They’re not going to improve their product. MVP has been gone for so long, I barely remember that I loved his character a decade plus ago.) – Kevin

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