Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #iMPACTWrestling

Jeff Hardy's shirt reminds me of Impressionist paintings. This one is Sunrise by Monet, who is a favorite of mine.

James Storm is distraught over not winning the TNA Title. I’m not the biggest fan of this happening. They do make things work. I thought Bobby Roode would have been dropping the title too soon, which I don’t think I’d said in my previous reviews. I still think Storm should have won but they gave him a nice out by having him practically won. Roode comes out to gloat. I’m digging the new hair cut. It fits a suit better. Roode says he has no opponents left which brings out Mr. Anderson. Roode tells him to get to the back of the pack. Jeff Hardy hobbles out. He thinks he deserves a title shot. Him & Anderson argue. Hulk Hogan wants all the champs out in the ring later. Hardy will fight Anderson.

Crimson & Bully Ray team against Matt Morgan & Austin Aries. Morgan starts against Crimson. They continue to do the heavy work but Crimson was on offense most of the time. Aries gets the tag and brings the fun to the match. Bully Ray pulls the trunks to win. Garrett Bischoff is sauntering in the back.

Hardy thinks it’s his turn to get the title. Jeff thinks it was a good call by Hogan for the match. Garrett comes out. The crowd is excited for the guys around him but go silent when he starts talking. He thanks AJ Styles, RVD & Anderson along with Aries in the back. Ric Flair interrupts the blow jobs. Flair tells Garrett the truth when he rips his mic work. This story continues. Please kill me. They bleep the Bischoff for Eric. Woof. If you’re going to rip someone else’s mic work, bring something other than your worst. Christopher Daniels was holding evidence about AJ Styles. Double Ugh.

Magnus & Samoa Joe talk to Devon about the champs meeting. Short & pointless. Kurt Angle is taking on AJ Styles. My cable cut out of the match but went to commercial. I didn’t miss much. Styles is in control after the break. Daniels gives AJ whatever is in the mystery envelope. AJ screams “How’d you get this?” Angle rolls up AJ for the win. If it was AJ this whole time, why did you wait to reveal it? Stop continuing story lines that suck. Joseph Park tries to talk to Gunner. Park wants answers. Gunner tells him to ask Bully Ray because they wrestled together last.

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Kevin’s Blog: A Day Late & A Dollar Short Review of #iMPACTWrestling

I’m doing this blog because I’m pissed about the Penguins booting a second consecutive game. I’m hoping they can return the favor in Philly. Sunday is huge. No excuses here. Philly played better after giving up the initial goals early in both games. You should win any game you score five goals in. Oh well, it’s sports. Once you’ve gone thru real bull shit, this doesn’t look as important. I’m still pretty pissed though. Why else would I be carping?

Fry The Delivery Guy is going to be doing us a solid. He’s going to Lockdown and he’s going to help us bring some extra content. Probably in the verbal variety but we’ve got to work out the details. Let’s roll.

This crowd is awesome. A “We Don’t Care” chant. We don’t care about this guys. Eric Bischoff introduces his team. I don’t care. Garrett Bischoff only announces Mr. Anderson who is going to take on Gunner. We got a commercial. I forgot that the best of three series gets the first in privileges. They tease Garrett’s other team members. Boy, I don’t know, maybe it’ll be the people who are feuding with Eric’s team members? Wow, what a stupid baby face. Anderson gets himself DQed. The crowd evens out chants by chanting “Anderson”. Dummies.

Eric Young is talking to himself. Joseph Park introduces himself. The camera guy gets cute and shows a shot in the mirror. For some reason Park is grilling EY about Abyss. He seemed to give up the second he asked a question to everyone else. Chris Sabin learned about the size of his heart. Alex Shelley gets to run down some facts. I like them going for the titles but it seems a little forced for this PPV. TNA’s problem is the same as WWE’s. No tag team depth. Brutus comes out and challenges them. Joe gets to act tough. Joe can’t be watching WWE these days. Mexican America comes out. That isn’t depth. I’d take the Usos any day of the week. Each of the real tag teams gets to bitch an MA member.

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Kevin’s Blog: #iMPACTWrestling – For The Hell of It

I’m tired but I’m going to start doing this review. I might not finish it before I sleep. I don’t care. It’ll get finished once the dogs take a nap later today. It’s 12:42 AM EST. Let’s roll.

We get a review of the Victory Road main event, Sting vs Bobby Roode. They showed film of Roode getting ready to attack Dixie Carter. Roode is hard to take seriously with dry hair. So I’m glad I didn’t pay for this pay per view. Roode duct taped Sting to the ropes. Oh, we’re going to still shoots now. Dixie attacked as Sting’s shield. Back to still shoots. Weird combo of review. Back to film. Don’t you have to fire a guy who is that insubordinate? I can’t attack my boss and keep my job. Dixie Carter comes out first. More disrespect is being tossed out by Bobby Roode. The crowd is right “Fire Bobby”. Sting comes out. He gives the old “not the right kind of revenge” speech. The crowd go sheep. For some reason, they go to commercial thinking this is a cliff hanger.

Sting is relinquishing his GM duties. He wants to be a wrestler. Not a GM. He’s got to rest because of his concussion. Sting’s got a man for the job. It’s Hulk Hogan. Sting tells her to trust him because he’s “real” now. I’m not dicking around with previews or ring entrances. Bully Ray is super freaking pissed. He’s going to take hostages out.

Zema Ion, Anthony Neese and Kid Kash take on Austin Aries for the X Division Title after a commercial break. Two weird breaks to start the show. They’re still protraying Aries as a heel. You wait for a baby face pop to bring you back. He will get some cheers. The match was fine until Bully Ray takes out everyone. He saves Aries for last. Good way to get his heat back. The Mexicans show back up and their car is being towed. They are questioned to win their car back. Anarquia can’t spell Guadalajara. I needed spell check. They are going to wait until after their match so that they can earn the money back. Stupid.

Rosita & Sarita are taking on ODB & Eric Young. Tazz admits that the wedding will have a hitch since all wrestling weddings do.Rosita tries to act tough to ODB. Sarita comes in to do the heavy lifting for the heels. Rosita comes back in for some reason. EY does cart wheels after the hot tag.  EY has pink trunks on. ODB goes jealous rage. She gets mad at EY but still kisses him. ODB shoves him onto Rosita for the pin. Weird.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #iMPACTWrestling

I'm at the middle of the show and completely confused by everything happening and not in a good way either.

I’ve got nothing for an opening today. I’m tired but ready to bang out this review. Let’s roll.

Jeremy had a great line about Sting. Bobby Roode made him so mad, he was going to start going around everywhere in black face. So wish I had thought of that one. Evidently Kurt Angle is going to tell us multiple reasons why he attacked Jeff Hardy. My guess is that Jeff stopped supplying him with vitamins, cough cough. Kurt brings out cue cards. At least he’s not hiding his note cribbing like the Rock. Unlike the Rock, Angle is in no way electrifying. Just like the Rock, his promo sucks. He calls out Hardy. Jeff slaps him then double legs him. TNA loves officials from the back. Bobby Roode is still the “IT Factor of professional wrestling”. Ask the Miz how much that matters. Austin Aries wonders in. He says indirectly he tweeted something but not what he wrote. Excellent way to craft a promo. If you’re a moron. They talk a walk together because we can’t get enough of fighting authority figures in wrestling today. (That’s a huge dose of sarcasm.)

Daniels & Kazarian come out for the gauntlet match against AJ Styles. Ah, if AJ wins he gets to know why Kazarian turned on him. Why didn’t Daniels order Kazarian to be the first in the match? Kazarian can just lay down now. He still doesn’t like being controlled. They went to commercial break early. Kaz gives AJ his finisher to DQ Daniels but then pins AJ. Daniels looks confused. In a way, I don’t blame him but the main point is not giving out the info. Madison Rayne tries to impress Gail Kim with a bunch of pictures. Gail got them a day at the spa and a match against ODB.

Kim comes out with Madison for the match. Not a fan of the heel vs heel. ODB brings Eric Young to the ring with her. Madison Rayne stopped a bronco buster with a boot to the cooch. EY distracts the ref while his woman is winning. ODB gets the win when Kim can’t interfere? They argue again. Bully Ray berates the make up lady. Roode & Aries make the pitch to get rid of Sting to him. Velvet can barely complain about being screwed before Angelina & Sarita attack her.

They come back from commercial and Velvet Sky is complaining again. She was screwed by Madison. The screwing stops now. Then they replay what they did before the break. Excellent work morons. Weakest assault ever. Mickie James makes the save in the strangest outfit ever. She’s gone 80’s neon. Ric Flair yells at Garrett Bischoff. They want Garrett to come to his sense still. For some reason, Flair, Gunner & E Bisch think they can continue to beat down Garrett. Ground Hog Day something fierce.

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TNA Audio #7 – Defecate In My Mouth

Pictured above: Kurt Angle

Dusty and Matt are back once again to discuss the February 23 edition of Impact Wrestling. Overall, they are very impressed with TNA’s long-term planning of storylines and matches, but are frustrated with the over-pushing of Hulk Hogan and the Bischoff Family. More importantly, though, they go off on several side tangents this week, including:

-Dusty debuting his new superhero alter-ego, Wrong Opinion Man

-Matt’s love for early ’90s WCW

-Just how exactly was the Shockmaster supposed to get over in the first place, even if he hadn’t tripped and fallen flat on his face during his big debut?

And a whole lot more nonsense, and it’s only worth about an hour of your time, so get in the festive holiday mood and give it a download why don’t you.

Stunt granny TNA Audio Show #7

TNA Audio #6 – The Ghost Of Big Dick Dudley

Silly babyface, champagne is for heels.

This week, Dusty and Matt focus on the February 16 edition of TNA Impact Wrestling. This is a very special Impact, because it just so happened to fall on Dusty’s birthday. Did TNA celebrate Dusty’s birthday properly? Well, you can find out by listening to this audio as our intrepid heroes delve into such topics as:

-Why do fat ECW alums have such great calves?

-So Cal Val must have used her stroke backstage with the powers to be because she appeared on this episode no fewer than two times!

-Who exactly was that MMA announcer jabroni and why was he being interviewed by Christy Hemme?

-Why is it that Brandon Jacobs is tougher than any wrestler in the locker room?

And a whole lot more stuff about a show that they both enjoyed, in an audio replete with Under Siege and Daria references for your entertainment, and it’s only going to cost you about an hour of your time, so if you have a heart at all, you’ll wish Dusty a happy happy birthday by downloading this bad boy immediately.

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #6

TNA Potpourri

Doctors say she needs a faceotomy!

Man, I hate TNA. Have I ever mentioned that? I just wanted to make sure.

Sarah “Sarita” Stock is currently out of action due to facial paralysis. He missed her match last night in Pachuca, Mexico, as well as tonight’s show at Arena Mexico. No word if she will be ready by Monday’s television tapings in Orlando. She is not scheduled for Sunday’s PPV show.

Now, my life is predicated on two things and two things only. One is that I always have an abundant supply of spaghetti to, uh, eat. Yeah that’s it. The other is to have the ability to move my face. So, you know, that’s gotta really suck.

TNA Impact rating was a 1.1.

They could have Jesus come down and deliver Abyss a pizza and I’m not sure they would get beyond a 1.1.

What looks to be the next Impact taping on the road is scheduled for 8/25 in Huntsville, AL, at the Von Braun Center.

I recognize the Von Braun Center as a regular Superstars taping locale back in the day. I wonder also if Hardcore Holly will be in attendance there. I wonder why they haven’t brought him in yet since a) they bring absolutely everyone in who has WWE on their resume at some point, and b) Russo loves those worked shoots, so it would seem natural for him to want to book a Holly vs. Mr. Anderson feud at some point. Have I mentioned how much Mr. Anderson sucks? I just want to make sure that is mentioned. – Dusty

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