Stunt Granny Audio Show #157

This has nothing to do with anything but being awesome.

The boys are back this week and they got the big news all lined up. They talk WWE’s “Night of Champions” pay-per-view. What rule did Kevin and Jeremy not follow when it applies to WWE? What impressed the guys and what are they willing to give more time? Does WWE have long term vision for the angles they are running? Is Triple H really the devil or is this yet another case of the internet burning its own hands typing? The boys finally get to the inevitable and they discuss Matt Hardy. It is a frank and often confounding conversation as they both try and  figure out if this is for real or yet another stunt. Who should be praised for all of this and who is to be vilified. The answers will surprise we guarantee. So all you gotta do is listen.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #157

Night of Champions Preview

I’m going to paraphrase Shane Helms because I was thinking the same thing after watching Smackdown, there are a whole lot of matches on this card that I have no idea who is going to win. The WWE has done a good job of building up the challengers for (in some order of importance) the Tag Team titles, the Diva’s Title, the Intercontinental Title and especially the World Heavyweight Title. The other matches have some intrigue to which is making me think I might order Night of Champions. Let’s break down the match ups from bottom to top on WWE.com.

Diva’s Champion Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix – Beth Phoenix and her cohort Natalya have been pushed for a month now. Beth was one of the people singled out by CM Punk for not being utilized well enough. Beth is now in her home town of Buffalo much like Punk was for what became his big title win. We know though that a big win in your home town is not a regularity for the WWE. Beth hasn’t been built up nearly as much as Punk was which also makes this situation different. I want to believe the title change could herald a consistent spot for the women’s division but I’m starting to have my doubts because Beth has pretty much beaten all of her would be challengers unless they break up the Divas of Doom already. I don’t think that’d be a good idea. Kelly Kelly would benefit from a huge victory here. As the first match in the “I’m not sure who is going to win category”, I’m going with Beth Phoenix to help push along the women’s division.

WWE Tag Team Champions Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz & R Truth – I think that Bourne & Kingston are a better long term tag team if the WWE decide to keep the tag team division in some prominence. The problem with them though is that they can’t really talk up the titles. The Miz & R Truth can talk up the titles but in my eyes they are much better used as singles competitors. The solution in my eyes is have The Miz & R Truth win the titles, let them talk them up and drop the straps in a couple of months to the chasing baby face team.

Fatal 4 Way U.S. Championship Match – This match up is one that Jeremy & I deemed the “Shit or get off the pot”. The WWE continues to give my boy Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and John Morrison loads of TV time but they don’t really do anything for them. Alex Riley, the fourth competitor, could be in this category soon. This match is one that I’m not terribly interested in because Ziggler & Swagger arguing over Vickie is the big story line coming into this match. That tells you all you need to know about the importance of the U.S. Championship. Ziggler or Swagger wins so they can continue to argue.

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Matt Hardy Sucks On Youtube and Twitter

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, look at me. Look at me. Pay attention to me.

Matt Hardy pulled a fast one on everyone with his “Suicide” video last night. Even though it isn’t really a suicide video since he never mentioned the words death, suicide, kill, heaven or hell. See that was easy. Hardy took to Twitter and defended himself and Prowrestling.net has the complete rundown. But wait, there’s more, and I don’t mean Chocodiles.

The only words that can convey what this means to me is very simple. Fuck you. Fuck you. No really, fuck you. I have had it with having to cover this caramel and nougat filled retard.  He’s an attention whore who clearly has issues with futility. He isn’t as popular as his brother. He doesn’t have the charisma of his brother. He never had a gimmick like his friends Shane “Hurricane” Helms and his ex-girlfriend made him a public cuckold. This may not cover it all but you get the gist. Covering Matt Hardy was amusing at first because of this lazy eyed jackass and his obsessive style of extreme close ups on his face followed by slurred word delivery.

If you wonder why this makes me so upset its because we are giving him exactly what he wants. Attention. His “me, me, me” bullshit works. You know why this got posted and riled me up in the process; because Eric guilted me to post this.

Eric:  “need to get that posted”

Well do it yourself next time fucko. This is a waste of my time. This hillbilly queef just wasted seven minutes and thirty-five seconds of my time.

You know what you can do in seven minutes and thirty-five seconds? Well, I could have listened  two songs. Read all of the news PWTorch.com broke for the last month. A decent jerk and clean session. Read Kevin’s Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Reviews.

Any of that is more enjoyable than reporting, yet again, on Matt Hardy. Fuck you.  -Jeremy

ERIC EDIT: A) You’re welcome. B) Here are some fun YouTube comments, the section of the Internet where the dregs of the world go to convene:

Starting from now….after this cheeseburger….at this very consumption of this piece cake….and after this chocolate milkshake…..starting from this large pizza….will be the Genesis…of MATTHEW.

GO FUCK YOURSELF MATT HARDY

I am Matt Hardy and I will never stop eating grapes, getting drunk, taking drugs, being an attention whore and getting fat.

For all we know, this “metamorphosis” probably means that he put on a few pounds and got a different stupid haircut and now calls himself THE METAMORPHOICAL DIABOANGEL or something.

your the biggest fagg of life

Looks like Stunt Granny has competition in the wordsmithing department! -Eric

Matt Hardy (or Matthew, or Matt Brand, or V1, who cares) leaves YouTube suicide note

In an effort to disprove the six-year-old theory that “Matt Hardy will not die,” Matt Hardy posted what appears to be a suicide note on YouTube. It reads:

Dear Hostess: How dare you discontinue Chocodiles…

Oh, no, wrong one. Here it is:

Goodbye, World… My time here is Almost complete… I only have a few hours & minutes… I loved you all… Regardless of how you felt about me… I’ll miss you all… September 23, 1974 – August 31, 2011.

Well, it just goes to show you that bullying works, and if you make fun of someone long enough, they’ll go away.

Wait, what? “Suicide” means he’s gonna kill himself?! Oh… hold on…

Hey, Bob Holly, nice bald spot, ya prick. -Eric

DUSTY EDIT: But wait, there’s more!

Jeff Hardy’s Wife Pissed Over Matt Hardy Hoax

Last Updated on Tuesday, 30 August 2011 11:50 Written by Ryan Clark Tuesday, 30 August 2011 11:50

An apparent suicide note Matt Hardy released this evening via YouTube has been confirmed as a hoax.

Jeff Hardy’s wife, Beth Britt, is steamed with Matt’s latest attempt ‘to work the Internet’ as police showed up to her North Carolina residence this evening on a suicide call.

She angrily wrote on her Twitter account, “When the cops show up to our house at 11 pm, for a “suicide call” the fucking joke is over @MATTHARDYBRAND. Stop trying to work the Internet.”

A fan wrote to Britt, “Who the hell calls 911 and sends them to the wrong f’n house?” She responded, “Apparently someone that believed the stupid video.”

She then wrote, “I guess you got what you wanted @MATTHARDYBRAND. Everyone is talking about you, again. But it’s not in a good way.”

Apparently Hardy feels suicide is a joking matter. Again, we appreciate all your concerns and calls regarding the video and tweets. Something like that needs to be taken seriously. It’s better to at least check and be safe rather than have it be to late.

Matt Hardy super duper grateful on Twitter, and golly gosh, he’ll be back better than ever!

According to Prowrestling.net, Matt Hardy tweeted a million thank-yous to a million people, like a great actress accepting her Academy Award (except that Matt Hardy is a bad actor, a bad wrestler these days and kind of a schmuck by all accounts).

Thank you all SOO very much for all the support you’ve given me thru this hard time, like a Phoenix, I will rise above this all!

Here’s what Matt Hardy has in common with phoenixes: Ashes. As in, at the rate he’s going, Matt Hardy is likely going to die soon. And see, this goes right back to what we repeatedly point out: Every time this mush-mouthed, lazy-eyed sack of shit falls on his bloated face, he insists he’ll “rise above,” or it’s “not the last you’ve seen” of him, or that we shouldn’t “bet against” him. Sorry, I’d put my money on Lieutenant Dan in a hopscotch contest before I bet on Matt Hardy.

I have so many people to return calls to, text, DMs, & e-mails as well, and I eventually will.

You oughta, you have nothing else to do except eat Wendy’s and do drugs.

I appreciate the support from Jeff, Beth, Shane, Karen, My Dad, My Mother in heaven, my friends, My beautiful girlfriend Rebecca Reyes, Mrs. Dixie Carter, and all of my family, friends, fans. I love you and appreciate your support and prayers more than you could ever imagine!

In case you hadn’t heard yet, Matt Hardy has a girlfriend.

It’s really sad to look at the things that make up the entirety of Matt Hardy. If this rat Reby left him, his soul would be crushed no matter how many times he’d tweet “Matt Hardy still won’t die!” If someone cut off his Internet access, he’d probably slice his wrists before he got a library card. And since he got fired from TNA, he’s already been hospitalized once, and it’s not like you’re hearing about all of the bookings he’s picked up. So that’s Matt Hardy in a nutshell: a girl, the Internet, and pro wrestling. And Little Debbies.

Oh no… *now* I know why I hate him… he’s just like me!!! *sob* -Eric

Stunt Granny Poll: What will Matt Hardy’s next YouTube video feature?

Matt Hardy just Tweeted this:

If u thought the Stun Gun YT Entry was controversial, just wait until u see the “Win The Shot, Call The Spot Pt 3”.. It is INSANITY!!

So let us know what you super-duper extreme activity you think will happen on the next episode of “White Trash Thirty-Somethings Who Still Ride BMX Bikes in Their Dad’s Back Yard!”

Stunt Granny Audio #141

So much trash, it looks like my curb on Thursday.

In this Kneejerk Edition of Stunt Granny Audio, Dusty and Eric discuss the recent surgery of John Morrison (and wonder why R-Truth is getting a push out of it), the recent motorcycle accident of Shane Helms (and wonder why Velvet Sky is still being a rat about it), UFC offering insurance to its fighters (and wonder if WWE and TNA will get scared into also doing it) and Wade Keller being on Twitter (and wonder if the internet vegan community is better off for it). They also squeeze in a little talk about Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler, as well as a surprise appearance from Sean Mooney. (Who?) All this and not much more if you click the link below!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #141

Shane Helms may have been drunk when he crashed his motorcycle

I mean, he drinks and hangs out with weirdos, sooo...

On the latest Stunt Granny Big 11, Dusty was kind enough not to skewer Shane Helms too much given his recent motorcycle accident. I mean, poking fun at Shane Helms is like making fun of a retarded boy. No, there is no analogy here, it’s literally making fun of a retarded boy. Have you heard this guy talk? Have you seen the company he keeps? Putting a mongoloid on a two-wheeled motorized machine is like giving a gun to a chimp, except when someone gets shot, you get to blame the chimp. If anyone was cruisin’ for this kind of bruisin’, it was free-wheelin’, backwoods livin’, Shawn Michaels-hatin’ Shane Helms. But oh, how the plot does thicken: Now, according to Prowrestling.net, Helms’s accident is being investigated as a DUI. So Helms, who could probably get a contact high off his buddy Jeff Hardy (or a contact cavity from Matt), according to a witness allegedly chose to drink, get drunk, ride his motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back, fly through a stop sign and crash into a chain-link fence. (Do we need a “Stand back, there’s a Hurricane coming through” joke here?”) Dusty said over IM that, in response to whorry Velvet Sky soliciting donations for Helms’ recovery, Shawn Michaels ought to write a check to him for one dollar and include a note that says, “You obviously need this much more than I do. Love, Shawn.”

OK, he might need more than a dollar... (Credit TMZ.com)

And on a side note, what is it with this motley crew’s luck with ladies and accidents? Shane Helms gets drunk and nearly kills himself and his girlfriend on a motorcycle ride. Jeff Hardy stashes drugs in his home with his girlfriend, and his house burns down. Matt Hardy dates Lita and, when she sees his penchant for chocolate and sewing, dumps his womanly ass for a real man. It’s a good thing no one would touch that scumbag Shannon Moore with a 10-foot pole or we could have another dual-gender tragedy on our hands. -Eric

"Hey, watch it!"

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/7/11

1. Chris Jericho- He was voted off of Dancing With The Stars and has been silent since. Can he please return to WWE and get in to his ready made feud with Randy Orton already? –Jeremy

2. Kharma- WWE has done a good job with her debut. She scared a double chin on to Kelly Kelly but let’s face it, Eric would still crawl through used hypodermic needles to , well, you get it. Now it seems Kharma is a pet project of Triple H so she should be in for a sustained push. -Jeremy

3. TNA- So they are changing the name off Impact to Impact Wrestling. Whatever; polishing a turd eventually wears it away and you are left with flecks. After watching Impact this week I am almost positive we are on the last rung of shit from this company. -Jeremy

4. WWE Studios– So this failed venture continues to lose money and there is no talk of getting rid of it. They lost money with The Chaperone which comes to the surprise of all die hard Triple H fans who bought it at Wal-Mart since Netflix won’t run  because “that dang ol puter don’t got the memories or sumptin.” –Jeremy

5. Gail KimIt was just announced on Tuesday that Kim and Chef Robert Irvine who hosts Dinner and Restaurant: Impossible on the Food Network are engaged and plan to get married in May of 2012. Congratulations to them. If they have children, I hope their son goes into wrestling so he can get a push. If they have a daughter, she can go into cooking so that she can be were women should be. -Kevin

6. Bischoff Family Brewing – Eric Bischoff finally does something I might like. Unfortunately, per their Facebook page, it doesn’t appear that I’ll be able to order any of their new laws because of state and federal laws unless I travel to Cody, Wyoming. I was looking forward to it because Bischoff did say he got help from Yellowstone Valley Brewing who won a Gold Medal at the Great American Beer Festival with their Black Widow (Oatmeal) Stout. -Kevin

7. Christian – He got to hold the title for a grand total of about 48 hours before he dropped the strap to Randy Orton at the Smackdown tapings. Evidently the majority of the “internet” is upset about this happening. It’s a good thing we’re not in the majority of the internet. I like the guy as much as anyone but he doesn’t exactly scream World Heavyweight Champion for all of the reasons my colleagues already notes. -Kevin

8. Yoshi Tatsu – I’ve started a new crusade to get more people on Twitter to follow us. Zach Ryder is the popular go to guy but Yoshi has stepped up his game by using his action figure and one of Jabba The Hut to come up with some creative pictures and amusing one liners. Join Twitter, follow us @StuntGranny and Yoshi @YoshiTatsuWWE so that we can all feel more important about ourselves than we should. -Kevin

9. Nick Gage – Read these words:

Nick Wilson, the former CZW star known as Nick Gage, was sentenced to five years in prison on 4/29 in connection with a robbery of the PNC Bank in Collingswood, NJ, on 12/22. Wilson, 30, handed a back teller a note saying he would shoot her unless she handed over cash to him, and he escaped with $3,090. When a shot of Wilson was released, wrestling fans recognized him which led to police finding out his identity and he turned himself in. Judge Samual Natal also ordered Wilson to make full restitution of the $3,090 as well as pay the bank teller $150, since she claimed she was traumatized by the robbery and quit her job. After police were informed of his identity by wrestling fans, Wilson turned himself in and pleaded guilty to the bank robbery.
 
How much does it suck to be that bank teller right now. Suffered trauma, lost her job, only got enough for a couple quarter pounders and a large fry for her trouble. Sad stuff right there. – Dusty
 
10. Shane Helms – He and his girl got into a motorcycle accident a while back. So let me get this straight. He is pro Matt Hardy and pro motorcycle, but anti Shawn Michaels? I’m struggling to find any redeeming value in this “person.” – Dusty
 
11. Christian – He is Simpsons Yellow and is suffering from male pattern baldness at the ripe old age of 37 (in a few years he’s going to be exactly Toby from the Office), and I’m supposed to be upset that he lost the Heavyweight Title? As Senator Clay Davis might say, sheeeeeeeit! – Dusty

Val Venis has choice words for Matt Hardy, other hicks

 

Val Venis, patiently awaiting Matt Hardy's mushmouthed retort.

Please don’t ask me how I ever ended up at a low-rent wrestling site like this one, but according to Wrestling News Source, Val Venis recently posted a video taken from the dashboard of his car (as opposed to the backseat, heh heh heh, amirite, ladies?) where he not just rips on Matt Hardy but totally demolishes him, along with Jeff Hardy, Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and all of the other “trampoline-jumping goofballs” from Omega Backyard Wrestling. Sorry I can’t embed the video from whatever discount video site this is, but you must go to the link and check it out:

http://bambuser.com/channel/ValVenisENT/broadcast/1323044

You know, the Big Valbowski is kinda like a video blog: One spreads like a virus, and the other spreads viruses. Heh heh heh. Ugh. -Eric

P.S. Jeremy just suggested that Val might be in character, since he doesn’t really talk like this. One (idiot from Cameron, N.C.) might think this post could blow up in my face if this whole thing turns out to be an angle, originating on the Web, between Venis and the Omega losers. The joke, however, will be on them when TNA goes out of business in July 2013. So there.

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