News I Missed Without Power

Why have we invented fireworks that turn into dragons yet?

Since I only gained my power at 2:30 AM July 5th, I want to wish everyone a belated Fourth of July. We usually have some dumb post up for every holiday. This post is what you’re getting since everyone else on staff evidently didn’t have power either.

According to Prowrestling.net, Shannon Moore was granted his request to be let go by TNA. Both halves of Ink Inc. are officially gone from the company. We can hope that the brain trust over at TNA gets to cutting more fat off of their roster. I don’t mean making Samoa Joe go to the gym either.

In other news that won’t shock anyone, Bret Hart will take part in the 1000th Raw in a couple of weeks. The WWE will crow about how big the ratings are then us super fans will bitch because it was all because of the old stars and not the WWE building up new stars. Both sides will be right. The following week on episode 1001, we’ll get multiple replays of the old timers squashing Heath Slater and doing other stuff they shouldn’t be able to accomplish at their advanced ages because I’m stuck in three hour Raw hell.

Zack Ryder won a Battle Royal on Smackdown to become the General Manager for Raw and Smackdown for this coming week. I can only hope this kick starts his character all over. The crowd pretty much forgot about him after his initial push which didn’t last long enough in my opinion. Now if only the Board of Directors could decide on a GM quicker than Zach Parise and Ryan Suter chose an NHL team, we could stop using this GM crutch to get people over. -Kevin

 

TNA Audio #5 – Swinging From The Barn Door

Yeah man, Direct Auto Insurance is awesome. Say, don't we have a title match coming up or something?

This is a very special edition of TNA Audio because not only do Dusty and Matt discuss the February 9 Impact episode, but they also go above and beyond the call of duty to talk about the February 12 Against All Odds pay-per-view as well! That means that your earbuds are in for a sweet, sweet serenade about things like:

-Why Dusty feels like Hulk Hogan is a human acid trip, and why he is responsible for that woman’s hideous attire.

-Why they both feel like TNA is really getting the hang of solid, episodic storytelling, and why they might have a leg up over WWE when it comes to this.

-Why Magnus might be on the cusp on something, if he can break free from the boys in the back and bullshit of the politics behind that curtain.

-Why the company would really be in business if only they could figure out how to properly end the main events of their pay-per-views.

And a whole lot more nonsense, including Dusty yelling loudly at his dog, Matt being lethargic because this was one of the most boring Impacts in a long time, Dusty hoping people notice he just got a new phone and that’s why he sounds like a whole lot better this week (fingers crossed), Dusty standing silently to Matt’s side with a towel around his neck making intimidating looking faces, Matt quietly binging on his free ice cream from last week while Dusty rants, and a whole lot more, so listen or death!

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #5

Jesse Neal moving up in the world by quitting TNA

License to print money, right here.

According to Prowrestling.net, Jesse Neal is leaving TNA. Good thing none of us picked him in the TNA Roster Game, am I right, Jeremy, Kevin and Dusty?

Some things you just have to question but… then I again I don’t give a f—. It’s time for a new me and a change.

What is that saying about rats and sinking ships? If even this low-rent ass-hat is willing to leave so abruptly, there has to be something wrong with this company. Furthermore, Neal Tweets:

If you want to book me I am free after this weekend, let me know. And trust me, you’ll get your moneys worth.

Um, no thanks. I’d rather book Greg Valentine to not show up than to book you to be there. Good luck in your future pop-can-redeeming endeavors. -Eric

Stunt Granny Audio- TNA Roster Game 2011

This isn't accurate but it isn't any better.

Nearly a year to the day Stunt Granny brings back everyone’s favorite show. Yes it is time for the TNA roster game. For the uninitiated the entire crew gets together and plays booker and the almighty. Who stays? Who goes? Why keep Shannon Moore for any reason? Who is considered an asset in the eyes of some and absolute garbage in the eyes of others? Why go through all of this? Why is Eric squirming for the last fifteen minutes? Why do the guys drag it out much longer than necessary? Well the answer is simple a retarded dog with no education is smarter than the decision makers in TNA. To prove this fact a bunch of assholes will all talk over each other to make jokes at Dixie Carter and her merry pack of goons’ expense. So join in the audio goodness.

Stunt Granny Audio Show- TNA Roster Game 2011

Past TNA Roster shows

TNA ROSTER GAME 2010

TNA ROSTER GAME 2099 Part 1

TNA ROSTER GAME 2009 Part 2

Matt Hardy (or Matthew, or Matt Brand, or V1, who cares) leaves YouTube suicide note

In an effort to disprove the six-year-old theory that “Matt Hardy will not die,” Matt Hardy posted what appears to be a suicide note on YouTube. It reads:

Dear Hostess: How dare you discontinue Chocodiles…

Oh, no, wrong one. Here it is:

Goodbye, World… My time here is Almost complete… I only have a few hours & minutes… I loved you all… Regardless of how you felt about me… I’ll miss you all… September 23, 1974 – August 31, 2011.

Well, it just goes to show you that bullying works, and if you make fun of someone long enough, they’ll go away.

Wait, what? “Suicide” means he’s gonna kill himself?! Oh… hold on…

Hey, Bob Holly, nice bald spot, ya prick. -Eric

DUSTY EDIT: But wait, there’s more!

Jeff Hardy’s Wife Pissed Over Matt Hardy Hoax

Last Updated on Tuesday, 30 August 2011 11:50 Written by Ryan Clark Tuesday, 30 August 2011 11:50

An apparent suicide note Matt Hardy released this evening via YouTube has been confirmed as a hoax.

Jeff Hardy’s wife, Beth Britt, is steamed with Matt’s latest attempt ‘to work the Internet’ as police showed up to her North Carolina residence this evening on a suicide call.

She angrily wrote on her Twitter account, “When the cops show up to our house at 11 pm, for a “suicide call” the fucking joke is over @MATTHARDYBRAND. Stop trying to work the Internet.”

A fan wrote to Britt, “Who the hell calls 911 and sends them to the wrong f’n house?” She responded, “Apparently someone that believed the stupid video.”

She then wrote, “I guess you got what you wanted @MATTHARDYBRAND. Everyone is talking about you, again. But it’s not in a good way.”

Apparently Hardy feels suicide is a joking matter. Again, we appreciate all your concerns and calls regarding the video and tweets. Something like that needs to be taken seriously. It’s better to at least check and be safe rather than have it be to late.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #152

It may be Tuesday but that it is still Stunt Granny Audio Show time. Jeremy and Kevin cover the big stories so far this week and from the weekend. You know that means Matt Hardy and the rest of his crew are the main topic. Just what is his malfunction? Why does he talk like a freshman goth chick? Why is his support group a failing mechanism in his life? Is there any chance for redemption and improvement? They then discuss Mick Foley’s recent interview and his aspirations and reported contact with WWE. Does he fit and where does he go? If he does return; what capacity is there for his talents? They round it all out with a follow up on Rey Mysterio. Who called the surgery last week? Is this the right time to be away from WWE and will his return be in WWE? There is a little more so download and listen. It is only forty-five minutes this time around.

Stunt Granny Audio #152

Jeff Hardy returning to Impact Wrestling?

Apparently being Hardyless is too much for TNA so they are bringing Jeff back? According to his Twitter handle , @JEFFHARDYBRAND, this sure seems to be the case.

Ok it’s official…time to go back2work!I will be in Huntsville,AL this Thursday with ImpactWrestling!!!!

Now look, eventually a punching bag loses its sand and you have to replace it. The easy thing to do here is bash TNA for bringing back Jeff in the face of all of his continuing legal issues. Couple this with the fact they just fired his brother for being a slovenly waste of money and it just seems like piling on, doesn’t it?

According to Kevin

TNA is just making sure he doesn’t get in any more trouble.

Heavily drenched in sarcasm of course, but is anyone else just exhausted by TNA’s poor decisions? Typing this post is draining enough. Do you realize how hard this is to come up with vague mentions of possible drug use and stupid behavior? Has anyone considered that we post news on the Hardys just because we have to? No one with at least 1% discernable taste in anything that isn’t total trash gives a shit about these guys now, but yet here is yet another post.

So TNA is bringing back a potential felon and fired his tub-of-butter brother because he “impaired himself” and drove his Corvette into a tree, only a few weeks after their buddy decided to drink and drive and wreck his motorcycle, fucking up his life as well as the life of his girlfriend.  Clearly we are talking about people who have all of their shit together. Yeah, we all make mistakes, but constantly making them is just tiring to write about.

Wait, this just in: No one gives a shit about Shannon Moore and his fucking book. Enough already.

In review:

Jeff Hardy: Felony rap pending. In no shape to perform and wrestles a five-minute PPV main event. Still has a job with TNA.

Matt Hardy: Lazy-eyed dolt who was suspended from TNA for being a gravy riched nothing. Gets drunk and runs Corvette in to a tree. TNA fires him.

Greg Helms: Fired by WWE. TNA shows no interest. Wrecks motorcycle while drunk.

Side note from Eric:

Do you think these guys drink out of jugs with ‘XXX’ written on the sides? Or does Bacardi Trash mixed with Mountain Thunder taste better mixed in a classy plastic cup?

Shannon Moore: Who gives a fuck. -Jeremy

Stunt Granny Poll: What will Matt Hardy’s next YouTube video feature?

Matt Hardy just Tweeted this:

If u thought the Stun Gun YT Entry was controversial, just wait until u see the “Win The Shot, Call The Spot Pt 3”.. It is INSANITY!!

So let us know what you super-duper extreme activity you think will happen on the next episode of “White Trash Thirty-Somethings Who Still Ride BMX Bikes in Their Dad’s Back Yard!”

Shane Helms may have been drunk when he crashed his motorcycle

I mean, he drinks and hangs out with weirdos, sooo...

On the latest Stunt Granny Big 11, Dusty was kind enough not to skewer Shane Helms too much given his recent motorcycle accident. I mean, poking fun at Shane Helms is like making fun of a retarded boy. No, there is no analogy here, it’s literally making fun of a retarded boy. Have you heard this guy talk? Have you seen the company he keeps? Putting a mongoloid on a two-wheeled motorized machine is like giving a gun to a chimp, except when someone gets shot, you get to blame the chimp. If anyone was cruisin’ for this kind of bruisin’, it was free-wheelin’, backwoods livin’, Shawn Michaels-hatin’ Shane Helms. But oh, how the plot does thicken: Now, according to Prowrestling.net, Helms’s accident is being investigated as a DUI. So Helms, who could probably get a contact high off his buddy Jeff Hardy (or a contact cavity from Matt), according to a witness allegedly chose to drink, get drunk, ride his motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back, fly through a stop sign and crash into a chain-link fence. (Do we need a “Stand back, there’s a Hurricane coming through” joke here?”) Dusty said over IM that, in response to whorry Velvet Sky soliciting donations for Helms’ recovery, Shawn Michaels ought to write a check to him for one dollar and include a note that says, “You obviously need this much more than I do. Love, Shawn.”

OK, he might need more than a dollar... (Credit TMZ.com)

And on a side note, what is it with this motley crew’s luck with ladies and accidents? Shane Helms gets drunk and nearly kills himself and his girlfriend on a motorcycle ride. Jeff Hardy stashes drugs in his home with his girlfriend, and his house burns down. Matt Hardy dates Lita and, when she sees his penchant for chocolate and sewing, dumps his womanly ass for a real man. It’s a good thing no one would touch that scumbag Shannon Moore with a 10-foot pole or we could have another dual-gender tragedy on our hands. -Eric

"Hey, watch it!"

Val Venis has choice words for Matt Hardy, other hicks

 

Val Venis, patiently awaiting Matt Hardy's mushmouthed retort.

Please don’t ask me how I ever ended up at a low-rent wrestling site like this one, but according to Wrestling News Source, Val Venis recently posted a video taken from the dashboard of his car (as opposed to the backseat, heh heh heh, amirite, ladies?) where he not just rips on Matt Hardy but totally demolishes him, along with Jeff Hardy, Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and all of the other “trampoline-jumping goofballs” from Omega Backyard Wrestling. Sorry I can’t embed the video from whatever discount video site this is, but you must go to the link and check it out:

http://bambuser.com/channel/ValVenisENT/broadcast/1323044

You know, the Big Valbowski is kinda like a video blog: One spreads like a virus, and the other spreads viruses. Heh heh heh. Ugh. -Eric

P.S. Jeremy just suggested that Val might be in character, since he doesn’t really talk like this. One (idiot from Cameron, N.C.) might think this post could blow up in my face if this whole thing turns out to be an angle, originating on the Web, between Venis and the Omega losers. The joke, however, will be on them when TNA goes out of business in July 2013. So there.

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