@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis of #Genesis

I may be desecrating one of the finest pieces of art the world has ever seen by using it for this column header.

I may be desecrating one of the finest pieces of art the world has ever seen by using it for this column header.

– I was pre-warned on a certain Facebook Wrestling Fan Page that I was about to watch a twenty plus minute opening talking segment for this pay per view level free TV show. I have never, ever (Think Chris Jericho) watched a PPV with an opening talking segment. Especially one that ended up lasting the twenty eight minute mark when the first match was made. To be fair, there was a brawl involved but that was one of the problems. Sting got his hands on Ethan Carter III. Why would you show that when you have kept EC3 a step ahead of Sting so far? Save their first action for the match. How hard is that?  Then just to make sure they screw this up, they cut the segment right after Sting does attack him. What the fuck people? If you’re going to show the attack, commit to it and show more of it. Don’t cut the segment five seconds in.

– The Austin Aries vs Chris Sabin argument suffered from the same problem that I noted last week, Velvet Sky hasn’t shown affection to Chris Sabin for fans to feel bad for her because of her scummy boyfriend. I liked Aries delivery but the material was terrible. Chris Sabin is still not good with a microphone. Velvet Sky isn’t a good talker either. It’s about time they use her for something useful. She’s an underutilized talent who doesn’t need to be in the ring to shine.

– I like the reaction from Samuel Shaw when Simon Dimon confronted him but it makes no sense why Dixie Carter would want to keep someone employed who this large of a problem. He assaulted a non-wrestling employee. That is unacceptable.

Bully Ray came down for his street fight match against his Ken Anderson but didn’t think to expect the Pearl Harbor attack on the ramp. When did Bully Ray turn into a dumb baby face? He’s been trying to light people on fire in recent weeks. That’s a heel move if I’ve ever seen one. This match is just reinforcing that he’s turned into a baby face. He took a Swanton Bomb on a guard rail, kick out then Mic Check, kick out then Rolling Hills through a table and Bully Ray kicks out a third time. But then Bully Ray breaks out the light fluid again. Wait, he’s a heel again? Then what happens next is even more bizarre, Anderson goes heel for a moment and puts the lighter fluid on the table. It distracts him long enough for Bully Ray to pile drive him for the win. Another baby face moment for Bully Ray. The heel is always the one who tries to go too far and gets hit with the finisher out of the blue by the baby face for the clean win. Bully Ray also didn’t really ever show the super evil side by slipping out of this match with a win. My head is ready to explode again. Another highlight of this match was Mike Tenay telling us several times that Genesis is so large it’s going to be next week too. That’s not how PPVs work!

– Oh my lord, Dixie Carter is saying “Best of” insert something here. How much material can you poach from the WWE? It’s entirely too close to best of business which was thankfully never said. Postponing a match sucks. Another non-PPV move.

– I liked the Gail Kim versus Madison Rayne match. Mike Tenay and Taz did a good job setting up the history of these two Knockouts. The ladies had a solid match. The only problem I had with it was Gail seemed to target the ribs in an earlier back stage attack but didn’t attack them during the match. She did take advantage of Rayne’s weakened staate during the match so I’ll let it slide. Kim has an excuse for the losing the title because Lai’d Tapa, who still sucks, got herself booted from ringside. Madison Rayne became the new champ with not a lot of fan fare. They have re-introduced her well so people just must not be that into her.

Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards signed their contracts this morning with a new investor. Oh joy, more power struggle. Dixie Carter just took hold of the company, why are they ready to break her grip on the roster now? If you’re going to make her the evil owner, commit to it for more than two months.

– The ending of the EC3 vs Sting match made sense in that the heel needed to cheat to win. But going back to the PPV quality show that is now stretching two weeks has a match of this poor of a quality during a main event? Really? That’s the best you’ve got? Brutal. Sting is actually doing a decent job of selling Magnus’s heel turn. Magnus is not holding up his end of the bargain. What weird gay thing did Sting have going on while calling Magnus “A little boy”? Magnus negotiating Sting’s possible firing gives him some teeth as a heel too. – Kevin

TNA continues to soak itself in fail

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I saw this posted on Facebook, by way of the Observer:

At tonight’s TNA house show in Cape Girardeau, MO, that was scheduled to start a few minutes ago, road agent Pat Kenney came out at the start of the show and announce that roughly half the wrestlers who were scheduled would not be allowed to work due to commission licensing issues.  They are offering both refunds, and for those who don’t take refunds, a free fan interaction with all the wrestlers.

So many things to say. I’ll stick to my favorite number, BJ Surhoff’s old number, baby.

1.) Isn’t this the type of thing they should have, you know, taken care of before the show? The licensing issues thing? Seems like a pretty big deal.

2.) If they couldn’t get that sorted in time, wouldn’t they, you know, know about it at some point before the show was set to start, and save people the charade of going to see the show in the first place?

3.) They owe people gas money for their troubles, not just refunds.

4.) Pat Kenney? TNA really has the market cornered on horrible 90s wrestlers, don’t they? If I worked for TNA, would I be supposed to respect Kenney in some way? A road agent should normally be respected, no? And did he start the speech with “Pat Kenney has a problem”?

5.) TNA has been bouncing checks a lot lately, right? (Just like Larry Bird used to bounce the basketball on the parquet floor!) So why on they spending money on abortions like this…

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When they should be worried about using their money to, you know, pay their wrestlers, and bribe the athletic commissions. Fuck these fucking people. – Dusty

ECW old-timers announced for TNA Hardcore Justice (still sounds like porn)

Balls Mahoney

The guy on the right paid $20 for this picture. He later gave Balls another $50 to rake his lawn with his teeth.

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA’s subsite for its Hardcore Justice pay-per-view lists the following ECW originals as appearing at the show. Let’s all hop in the Delorean and see who’ll be there:

-Tommy Dreamer
-Mick Foley
-Rob Van Dam
-Team 3D
-Raven
-Rhino
-Stevie Richards
-Simon Diamond
-Al Snow
-Axl Rotten
-Balls Mahoney
-Johnny Swinger

In other news, I just got my driver’s license, made out with a girl in the grade ahead of me, and drank half a bottle of vodka at my friend’s house while his parents were away. Hey, whose headlights are those?? Oh no, they’re home early! And then I barfed on the living room floor just as they walked in. My parents were tough but fair and gave me an 11 p.m. curfew for the rest of the summer. What a crazy night! -Eric

TNA Makes A Major Change

Wal-Mart or Target?

Wal-Mart or Target?

Over at ProWrestling.net, TNA has made a turn in the right direction over the weekend. No they did not fire the writing staff and replace them with monkeys, they have made some changes to their agents. Due to budgetary concerns, they have decided against renewing the contracts of agents Glenn Gilbretti and Pat Kenney. These two are better known as main event talent Disco Inferno and Simon Diamond.  Diamond is actually more famous for being the guy that didn’t marry Dawn Marie and just banged her without the legalities of it all. So he is instantly better than Glenn.

This really does come as a shock since people could learn a lot from a guy who wouldn’t job to a woman until he was fired, and a guy who couldn’t even get over in ECW in 1999. On the bright side of it all, BG James and Savio Vega still have jobs. So there are still plenty of opportunities to learn from the best.

Here is a new rule for TNA; your agents have to have had at least two years experience at the top of a moneymaking promotion. Yes that will limit your options but it will also help your promotion not suck. -Jeremy

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