#ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

The_Persistence_of_Memory

The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali

I went to bed last Thursday night without watching the end of Impact Wrestling. I had caught the beginning where MVP, Kenny King and Bobby Lashley come out upset that Eric Young had evaded their attempts to take the TNA World Championship from him. MVP called out Eric Young who promptly threw down a challenge to MVP which was then accepted by the impetuous Kenny King due to MVP’s injury. Eric Young won in short order thanks to help from everyone in the back who is now anti-MVP. In the next segment, MVP set up a second match for the champion against Bobby Lashley. This is where I stopped watching. Much to my surprise when I saw headlines the next day, Bobby Lashley had been crowned new TNA World Champion. Here’s my break down of this epic ineptitude.

As noted in previous editions of this column, I try to start with a clean slate. When EY came out for his verbal beat down, the crowd in Bethlehem PA was very much behind him. I feel like the Orlando crowd was getting behind him too. I can accept that everyone doesn’t view him as a blatant rip off of Daniel Bryan so he’s worthy of being cheered. Even though many people, including myself, ripped the decision to give EY the belt, he is trending in the correct direction so you shouldn’t take the strap off of him. Having the heel faction in charge continue to put him behind the eight ball is Wrestling 101. I did think to myself “More copying of Daniel Bryan” but what other options are available for an unworthy, small wrestler? I can accept repeating that aspect of the angle by having EY take on both King and Lashley. After that point though, I start scratching my head.

I don’t get why you’d take the belt off of EY once you commit to the angle. If the wrestler in question were a big name, I may be able to accept it. I am assuming that MVP was going to be the recipient of the title had he not been injured. I’m also assuming they were going to have him win the strap at the Slammiversary. If that was the case, why not give Lashley the title at the PPV? Jeremy covered this on Stunt Granny Audio 260 when he said that it was carnie booking. If the advertised match doesn’t happen, the person who was advertised for the match has to win. I think that is a dumb theory. MVP isn’t a big enough name to get me to accept this angle though I would argue he’s a more recognizable name than Lashley. TNA doesn’t realize that Lashley isn’t a big enough name. Lashley may have been in the WWE but he was far from a big name there even if Donald Trump chose him as his combatant in a Wrestlemania match against Vince McMahon & Umaga. One would think that TNA would realize that if Hulk Hogan can’t move the needle, no retread from the WWE is going to do so.

Since I’m assuming MVP was going to win at Slammiversary, the next question is why chose Lashley instead of letting MVP heal? MVP is doing all of the talking for his faction. He is the more complete package as far as wrestling and mic work goes. It is terrible how he has been booked going from baby face to heel with a drop of a hat. I think MVP’s delivery and demeanor have come off well in the segments. If you believe MVP, his injury wasn’t major. Why not wait until he heels to move the strap over on the next PPV? You could feud Young with King and Lashley so that Young can finally get to MVP. You could build up EY while waiting for a better option as your future champion to recover.

Bobby Lashley has said next to nothing in the group. Kenny King has supplied the comedy for that group. I’m really glad TNA decided not to give him the belt. The reason Lashley hasn’t gotten the mic is that he is terrible on it. It’s been quite a few years now that being good on the mic is a required skill for a main eventer. Brock Lesnar may have a mouth piece in Paul Heyman, but he’s got a couple of things Lashley doesn’t. He isn’t terrible on the mic. Lashley may have won the NAIA Wrestling Championships but Lesnar trumps him by winning the NCAAs. Lashley may have been in MMA but Lesnar was the UFC Heavyweight Champion. Could Lashley tie most of us into a pretzel? Sure. Does he have a resume even close to that of Lesnar? No.

Another person that I could think to compare Lashley to is Roman Reigns. He was in The Shield. He was the guy who didn’t get any mic time in his group. Reigns still isn’t getting much mic time which I think is a good decision on the WWE’s part. But he and Lesnar both possess something that Lashley hasn’t even had, good in ring skills. Lashley may have a laundry list of accomplishments, but it hasn’t translated to the ring for reasons that are unknown to me. Lashley is a big guy but not a monster like Lesnar. Lashley (6′-3″, 275) is about the same size as Roman Reigns (6′-3″, 265) but he doesn’t possess his athleticism. Lashley isn’t going to pull off an apron drop kick any time soon. Lashley has neither the mic or in ring skills to be a champion.

Another reason I could think of to take the strap off of Young is that he needs to go film his show “No Limits” for Animal Planet. In that case, TNA shouldn’t have committed to giving him the title in the first place. EY isn’t taking off time though. He was on Fox & Friends to hype both his show and TNA. I’m just throwing this out there, but maybe if he’s the guy getting TV time, EY should be the one toting the strap. After EY is the pitch man, Lashley comes in an awkwardly stares at him to end the segment. The reason Young is out there is that he has been at a minimum good on the mic or else he wouldn’t have stuck around as a comedy act or been recruited to be a TV host.

The timing of these title changes is a whole separate problem from worthiness of who has the strap. TNA has now gone two consecutive pay per views, keep in mind that they only have four, without a Heavyweight Title change. But to keep you on your toes, they decided to have EY win the strap the show prior to one while Lashley won the show after one. Anyone that shucked out money for either of those has to feel like an idiot or at a minimum like they didn’t get their money’s worth. It is a no win position to try and defend how their decisions not to have the pay offs on PPV.

Giving the TNA World Title to Eric Young was a mistake. Having MVP win it Slammiversary would have been a mistake too. Allowing Bobby Lashley to win the title on a regular televised show is the biggest mistake of the three. Congratulations TNA, you have allowed Ring of Honor to become the second best promotion in America. – Kevin

Headlines: Estimated buys for TNA Slammiversary, Chris Jericho to get Canadian “sitcom,” @CrrankyVince is back!

Make that 15 thousand and TWO!

According to Gerweck.net (hey, it’s storming out and I can’t sleep, so I’m trolling), estimated buys for TNA Slammiversary are in (courtesy Wrestling Observer Newsletter), and they’re about as pretty as Dixie Carter spread eagle on a bed of Abyss posters: Around 15,000 legally purchased the event, while countless others illegally streamed it online, and another bazillion people had been made to feel like god damn fools for ever paying attention to this company and didn’t even bother to steal it. The thing is, I caught last week’s Impact, and I liked it. One week down, 519 more weeks to go until we’re even, TNA.

According to SEScoops.com (hey, I have a gas bubble and I can’t sleep), Chris Jericho will begin work on a new scripted Internet drama, “But I’m Chris Jericho.” The format appears to be 4-minute episodes, with 10 episodes planned, written by some guys from Canada. One can only hope this falls somewhere between IFC’s “Portlandia” and Colt Cabana’s “Creative Has Nothing For You” on the Laff-o-Meter (where “Portlandia” is “good”).

Finally, in the best news I’ve heard since TNA only got 15K buys for its second-biggest show of the year, Cranky Vince is back!!! For those of you who enjoyed the @CrankyVince parody Twitter account before the soulless, humorless thugs of WWE abused their relationship with Twitter to have the account suspended, hold your breath in petulant 4-year-old anger no more! You can now follow “Vince” again @CrrankyVince. Who really knows if this account is run by the same genius behind the original Cranky Vince, but it’s here, it’s probably accurate, and it’s in all caps, so quit belly-aching and start following!

Jeff Jarrett, Karen Jarrett take to Twitter for half-assed TNA Hall of Fame campaign, probably an angle

Yes, it is a Karen angle. *fart*

Woke up early this morning (around 10 a.m.) and checked Twitter, and what did I see? Karen Jarrett, tweeting and retweeting up a storm about how her husband and esteemed TNA founder Jeff Jarrett should be the first inductee into the TNA Hall of Fame. Here are some literate retweet examples:

@karenjarrett#ThankYouJeff, With Jeff We Wouldn’t Really Even Have TNA. @JeffJarrettTNA.

@karenjarrett #ThankYouJeff, Jeff is TNA. Mr. TNA.

@karenjarrett it’s a disaster that @JeffJarrettTNA is not going in the hall of fame! Does @TNADixie understand all his hardworking he put?!

It’s true, he did hardworking a lot of put!

And then I see these Tweets from Karen herself:

How about this…let’s forget about the HOF and show@JeffJarrettTNA the respect he deserves for taking a chance and having the guts to do

What know one else could. Give wrestlers another option and place to go!!! #ThankYouJeff #ThankYouJarrett

And something about Dixie Carter blocking Twitter followers who Tweet her about Jeff Jarrett going into this hall of fame:

So Dixie carter is blocking fans,and getting the big stars to do the same because speaking our minds #ThankYouJarrett #TNA10@karenjarrett

Yeah, this this smacks of an angle. Oh, unless you ask Karen herself:

@H2HCrelly not working twitter @JeffJarrettTNA is right here in Hendersonville. Ask @TNADixie why he isn’t there….

Whatever, he could be in Hendersonville, Jupiter right now, and TNA would still find a way to turn this into the most intriguing war of words since Corky had an argument with his girlfriend on “Life Goes On.” Only TNA would take the one thing its fans care about less than Robbie E regaining the TV Title and turn it into a lukewarm, one-woman Twit-shit fest. If anyone, TNA’s first hall of fame inductee ought to be Cheex, for damn near ruining TNA’s first pay-per-view and putting us out of its misery before it was even born. -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 6/11/11

1. Ultimate Warrior- Let’s sum up this week’s Warrior antics by simply saying he called out Hulk Hogan, essentially slandered the Hulkster, and is abusing his social media privileges by wildly saying things about another person that could get him in serious hot water. It’s a good thing Warrior doesn’t own shit except tassles and empty, decorative file cabinets, or Hogan’s potential lawsuit could cost Warrior his ass. (Maybe Destrucity will allow him to regenerate and grow a new ass.) – Eric

2. Hulk Hogan – On the other hand, Hulk Hogan has responded to Warrior’s attacks and accusations like a Real American: He’s threatening to sue. But that’s like putting a Band-Aid on throat cancer; you’re never going to keep someone as mind-boggly as Warrior quiet, so revert to your NWO days and run him over with a Hummer, or ignore him and, like the petulant 5-year-old he is, he’ll go away. – Eric

3. Matt Hardy – Apparently he is allergic to good decisions as well as red meat. Stupido posted a video of his inebriated brother using a taser gun on his girlfriend. Normally who cares but with Jeff up on drug trafficking charges maybe he shouldn’t be doing those things for public consumption. – Jeremy

4. Mick Foley – Mick and TNA have parted ways opening up the way for Mick to get back to WWE and stop slumming it. I’ll let Eric make the jokes but Mick needs to go back and replace Booker T. Wow has that idea not worked out at all. – Jeremy

5. Audio Sweetener – Someone, anyone, please teach TNA production how to use this thing. It sucks in the first place but when you try using it on 145 people it is just grating. If you amp up the cheering make sure you frame it so the tubs in the front row aren’t clearly sitting on their hands. This shit is easy. – Jeremy

6. Booker T – I think he is really good on Smackdown, so Jeremy can suck it on this. Look, when I’m watching baseball or basketball, I don’t want empty calorie cliches anywhere near my commentary. I want former players to tell me about what they would do in certain situations, what they did during certain situations, anecdotes from their playing days, why so and so always strikes out such and such, etc. But pro wrestling is different. Pro wrestling color was built on a foundation of empty cliches and meaningless yelling outbursts. Booker is funny and entertaining. I don’t look for anything else from him. The other announcers need to paint the picture. Booker is just there to add the accompanying Maddenesque “BOOM! BANG! POW!” stuff. – Dusty

7. Mick Foley – While I’m beating up Jeremy, I’ll continue with Foley here. Do you remember how absolutely terrible he was on commentary last time they tried that in WWE? Especially that ECW pay-per-view, which he almost single handedly ruined? Listen, I don’t want this guy anywhere near my television set. He has a gigantic ego, a small penis and no remaining skill whatsoever. I have his “performance” at that one Royal Rumble permanently etched into my mind, where rolling around on the mat like a bloated beached whale is what substituted for effort. So I definitely don’t want “one last match” from him. Nevermind the hypocrisy of him climbing back in the ring anyway after making such a big deal of his first retirement 100 years ago. He needs to go the fuck away. – Dusty

8. 1.0 – That was apparently the rating of this past week’s TNA Impact show, which I should note was the go-home show for the upcoming Slammiversary PPV. Even Stevie Wonder can use his voice to tell you that’s not a good rating. It’s really only a matter of time at this point. – Dusty

9. ODB – Speaking of Impact, you could apparently see ODB’s shaved vag stubble on that show on at least two separate occasions. Impact is the stuff nightmares are made of. – Dusty

10. Jinder Mahal – What do they see in this guy? What am I missing here? – Dusty

11. NBA Championship – The Heat are going to win in 7, mothertruckers. All hail King James! – Dusty

Slammiversary Blogging

They're passed out right now.

They're passed out right now.

I’m not expecting anyone to stick with me for the duration of this pay per view but no one else is on instant messenger, my dogs are passed out and I just fueled up on some fantastic Chinese from Pacific Eatery so what the hell. I’m not going to try and go move by move

Jeremy would be having a conniption because of the mass involvement of the Detroit Tigers. I don’t care how many times it’s said because it needs to be said again, the rules for the “King of The Mountain” matches are just stupid. They had a couple of nice high spots so far which is TNA’s calling card. The seesaw move with Lethal, Creed and Suicide was pretty cool. I wonder if TNA has ever had one of these matches in which a fighter didn’t have a chance to hang the belt. Somehow I doubt it which makes that part of the stipulation pretty dumb. Lethal acted way too gassed after gettig out of the penalty box. Nice Sliced Bread by Shelley on Creed. Glad to know that Vince McMahon isn’t the only moron who has the hometown favorites lose.  A win by Shelley or Sabin would have gotten the Palace rocking and set the tone for the rest of the night.  Good match though if you like high spots.  Suicide’s ladder walk on Lethal’s back took too long but that happens on a regular basis.

I did forget to mention that I didn’t watch iMPACT! this week because of a UFC marathon on Saturday morning.

Shane Douglas makes me embarrassed that he wears black and gold all the time because he’s from Pittsburgh.  You’re sullying the colors that have had a great year this year. Lauren needs to buy new facial expressions other than disgusted.

At least Douglas is keeping his shirt on tonight so he doesn’t show off that farmer’s tan he has. Don West just said the “experience” made Shane Douglas take advantage of a damaged elbow on Daniels. No, any moron should know to pick on any injury. That was the ass kicking that it should have been. Daniels is an in shape guy who has been wrestling. It makes no sense to have this match on the pay per view though because it proved nothing.

Pointless Mick Foley interview. Thanks TNA.

I needed to up the hot quotient of this blog.

I needed to up the hot quotient of this blog.

Why did TNA give Lisa Marie Varon an awful name like Tara? Why not stick with her real name if you’re going to go that plain? I hope beer makes the remainder of the pay per view more watchable. At least this match has a very high hotness content. It’ll actually probably be the best match of the night. OK match that ended with interference which must be a first for TNA in that they waited until the thrid match of the card to include interference.

Why isn’t JB interviewing Stevie Richards and crew? Raven still knows how to talk but it’s all just a way to make sure Abyss doesn’t learn how to wrestle.

A mixed tag team Monster’s Ball Match sounds awful. I started drinking way too late. I’ve gotten this far along with saying how awful Mike Tenay and Don West are. I’m amazing and they suck. Don West would be better if Mike Tenay didn’t turn into a whining ninny when he goes heel on his ass. West shouldn’t ever cave on his heeldom but he does left and right. I hope Daffney is OK after completely nailing the back of her head on the stairs. I don’t have any old tapes of ECW but I liked the garbage matches back then. I wonder now if more wrestling was involved. It’d be great to watch some of that stuff now. I’m not sure why Dr. Stevie hasn’t been in this match the whole time. Abyss kicked out of the Even Flow way too easy. We can all pray that this is the last match that involves Abyss and Dr. Stevie’s faction. Somehow I doubt it though. Yuck.

I don’t even need to watch this next match but I will. What a stupid stipulation. Sting isn’t going to lose his spot in the Mafia. That’d be plain stupid. Being TNA, they can’t concentrate on the match the whole time so they talked about Team 3D arriving from Japan because of their match the nigth before in Osaka. Couldn’t Team 3D given them (or management) their flight number so that they’d know when they’d be in? Sting couldn’t pull of the Scorpion Death Drop from the Hellovator. Morgan did a good job of covering for him by pinning him. Sting wins with a second rope Scorpion Death Drop. He did seem to change his offense because of the size of his opponent. That was a nice little touch. A bit of a pointless match again though because you knew who was winning. You know what, no interference again. TNA is on a roll tonight.

Team 3D against Beer Money should be pretty good. The “Get The Tables” spot took way too long. TNA keeps touting their “Tag Team Division” but they really only have 3 teams, 3D, Beer Money and the British Invasion. The Motor City Machine Guns and Lethal Consequensces wrestle separately too often and were teaming with each other for no good reason the last couple of weeks. Shockingly the match ends with interference from the British Invasion. I’m not sure who Beer Money will take on unless they go with a three team story line for the belts.

Everyone in the main event has had a promo tonight even if I haven’t mentioned it. I usually got out of my seat because it’s uncomfortable so I didn’t type much in between some of the matches. It was kind of lame that AJ and Joe had their interview at the same time but they had their own separate time with that time limit. I haven’t looked at the wrestling news, except what Jeremy posted, so I wonder if Taz(z) will finally show up. That’d be a nice surprise. Kurt Angle is wearing a Sidney Crosby jersey. That’s fabulous but it should be a Malkin jersey. The whiner label probably gets them a little more wound up though. JB even mentions the jersey during Angle’s promo.  I missed them putting an Osgood jersey on Samoa Joe. They put Samoa Joe in the penalty box for starting the match before the ring of the bell and make Kurt Angle eligible to hang the belt. What a weird random thing to do by the refs. I decided to watch the main event while talking to my dad, whoops almost for got Father’s Day, but the finish is the only thing that will stick in my mind. Why is Samoa Joe working with the Main Event Mafia? It does explain the shortness of the First Blood matches a coyuple of weeks ago. It doesn’t make a lick of sense unless Taz(z) isn’t going to be the advisor anymore. Angle as champ just sets up more friction with Sting which I really don’t feel like watching on TV any more.

The pay per view was passable if not actually decent if you can forget the mind bending booking that TNA employs. Thanks for reading. Time to watch some Criminal Intent. – Kevin

Curtis Granderson Is Pissing Me Off

C2GRANDER_MO_C_^_MONDAY

Sure this is old news but I have been putting off posting about this in the hope that Curtis would come to his senses or Jim Leyland would beat his ass if he didn’t cancel on TNA.  So here’s the skinny, TNA is holding Slammiversary 7 in The Palace of Auburn Hills. They are holding it there because they love running PPV’s in arenas they can only sell one third the capacity in tickets. So, they smartly lower the ticket prices to $7.00 a pop but not before recruiting local celebs to help sell the event.

Apparently the only one that gives a shit about TNA is the best center fielder in baseball today The Detroit Tigers’ Curtis Granderson. Oh, and please stop right now if you are going to comment about Grady “I’m severely over rated” Sizemore being superior.  He may be bigger in the gay community but that doesn’t matter.

Anyway, someone in the Tigers organization better pull Granderson from this event immediately. The last time The Tigers decided to mix themselves with wrestlers they got stomped in the World Series. There were my beloved Tigers cruising along, sweeping Dusty’s Oakland A’s and looking totally unbeatable.  Then, one fatal day in St Louis a bunch of the Tigers decided to go meet some WWE wrestlers and well, I don’t; want to think about it anymore.

So I am calling on anyone in the Tigers organization to pull his ass from this. They are leading the central division by four games. Why risk ruining the season by allowing Curtis to be a part of an event that will be seen by 30,000 people (PPV and live attendance combined) at best, around the country? Please, please I am begging, pull his ass and save the season. -Jeremy

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