Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

Raw is going to be entirely too long. Why am I starting pretty much on time?

I couldn’t be less excited about three hours of sports entertainment. I’ve got nothing else to start this review so let’s roll.

Booker T & Hornswoggle get to lead off the Slammy Awards. I Didn’t Just See That even though it was on TV. What a brutal set of choices. I want to unsee all of those events. JR wins for his dance moves. Oh shit, a rap off. Please kill me. Congrats on getting people to turn off your product.

Ted DiBiase & Mick Foley present the next award for Holy Shit of the Year. Except they can’t say it. They think they’re funny with their jokes. I’m not sure that was Orton’s best RKO of the year. I would have went with Bourne’s Shooting Star Press into the RKO. Bourne gets a nod anyway. Big Show & Mark Henry win for a gimmick that’s been done before. Show comes out to accept. He keeps it short and we finally get a match. Why is Wade Barrett his opponent? Barerage will take out Show next if he wins the title from Henry.

Why not come up with a new name for the award? You’re PG, why even infer it? Barrett gets DQed for using a chair. Glad we got a whole minute of match time on TV. (That’s sarcasm.) And another commercial. Woof.

“Road Dogg” Jesse James gets to present a Slammy. #Useless fact, I dressed up like him for Halloween when I was at Kent. My roommate dressed up like Billy Gunn. I have no idea what is up for nomination. Rock mentioned Twitter in the montage, drink. CM Punk wins the Pipe Bomb Award since he started using the term in the WWE. He gives us a montage of Johnny Wooden GM. This whole first hour has been filler. Actually, that was kind of funny. I especially enjoyed the 80’s style music.

Lita gets a TV spot after her little weekend gaffe. I just keep wondering why her license was suspended. Is she such a bum she couldn’t pay for insurance? She is awarding a Diva-licious moment. Our winner is Kelly Kelly. She needed more press. (That’s sarcasm.) When does this get interrupted? Right away. Lita is supposed to be giving her a rub by raising her arm. It might be the second best thing they’ve done tonight by keeping that segment that short. Santino & The Bella Twins present the OMG Award. All of these awards feel the same. The only good part of HHH vs Undertaker is up for the award. Of course it wins. The only moment that deserved that award was CM Punk winning. HHH needed promo time since I keep forgetting this match is on TLC. Nice of Trips to have a new shirt. We get more replay. Why did I start doing this column? All because my dumb ass went to Wrestlemania in Atlanta. HHH is right so he’s going to do everything at TLC. Thanks for nothing.

Continue reading

Val Venis blasts John Morrison, Melina for having “zero nuts,” being “ho”

Sean Morley, aka Val Venis, is priceless these days, ranting and raving on blogs, Twitter and YouTube about the hot topics of the day. He’s got no major-league affiliation anymore, and he was probably smart with his money so he can afford to burn bridges if he wants. And more importantly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he could kick the shit out of any of these people he’s called out lately. (None of them look like they could win a real fight, anyway; example…) He blasted the Hardys, Shannon Moore and Shane Helms in a classic diatribe, and now he’s after John Morrison and Melina for snubbing his beloved fellow Canadian, Trish Stratus, at WrestleMania XXVII. He kicks in the curse words almost right away, calling Melina a “fucking slut,” then asking John Morrison how “Mike Knox” and “Batista” taste. (You see, because Melina is the company dartboard.) “You tried to turn a ho into a housewife!” shouts an angry Venis at Morrison! It’s true! It’s hilarious! Quit reading this and watch the video above! (Props to Fanatic for uncovering this.) -Eric

WrestleMania 27 Review

Here we go gang it is the WrestleMania 27 Review show. Eric, Jeremy and Kevin talk all things WrestleMania and shed some light on things you may have missed since you stayed at home. How was the crowd? Which, member of the crew joyously heckled John Cena kid? What time does the city of Atlanta and Buckhead close their doors for beverages and sustenance? How much merch did John Cena push in one day? Boxes of money? Boxes of money sitting in plain site? Only at WrestleMania gang. How impressive was the Georgia Dome? Yeah this is low on actual match content but the audio has more and they give their opinions. Isn’t why you listen anyway? So get to it.

WrestleMania 27 Review #2- WrestleMania 27

 

WrestleMania 27 Preview #9- The Round Up!

OK look. It is kind of late. We have been drinking and we are posting a show. Supposedly it is good. This is your decision to make. So listen cause Eric Nelson is involved with this show. So he makes it funny.

WrestleMania 27 Preview #9- The Round Up

Past WrestleMania 27 Preview Audios
Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan
Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes
The Two Matches To Get People Bonus Money
The Corre vs. The Edge vs Alberto Del Rio
The Miz vs. John Cena
Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole
Undertaker vs. Triple H

Related WrestleMania 27 Coverage

WrestleMania Set Design Part I

WrestleMania Set Design Part II

WrestleMania Set Design Part III

Eric’s Blog

WrestleMania 27 Poll #1

WrestleMania 27 Poll #2

WrestleMania 27 Preview #4- The Two Matches To Get People Bonus Money

Jeremy and Kevin get to review John Morrison, Trish Stratus & Snooki against Dolph Ziggler, Michelle McCool & Layla along with The Corre against The Big Show, Kane, Vladimir Kozlov & Santino Marella. The WWE tried to build up one of these matches and not the the later so the guys lumped them together. Find out which one of the guys has slept with someone bigger than Snooki. That’s the best part of the show, may as well highlight it.

WrestleMania 27 Preview #4- The Two Matches To Get People Bonus Money

Past WrestleMania 27 Preview Audios
Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan
Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes

Smackdown Spoilers

Taken for the sole purpose of using for this spoiler post.

I tweeted all of the results from @Stuntgranny last night. When I got home, Kent State was in the process of losing at Colorado so I was too consumed to put this post together.  I’m going to string together my tweets and add a little extra commentary. I’m hoping to talk about Raw and this taping so I’m reserving some commentary for your ear holes. Since these are spoilers, I’ll only show my first Tweet before putting up a read more link.

Tweet: The parkin is barren. I’m either here early or it’s a light crowd -K. After: The parking, I hate spelling mistakes, was light as was the crowd. They had a whole lot of tarped off area. I went to a Blue Jackets game last week and there was 8-10000 people. There couldn’t have been any more last night.

Continue reading

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 3/19/11

1. Netflix – So did you fork over 29.99 or more on a recent WWE DVD? Well, stupid, you could have waited and watched each documentary portion of the DVD on Netflix. And boy oh boy is this a relief because the Bobby Heenan DVD sucked a fat one. Let’s forget they even bothered with a Big Show documentary as well. – Jeremy

2. The Miz – Another week and yet another strong performance from the forgotten member of WrestleMania 27 main event. A big kudos to the make-up person for the bald cap cause that sure was effective. It fooled a bleary-eyed guy just waking up watching the show. – Jeremy

3. Jeff Hardy – Have you heard the one about the guy that was in no condition to perform but he got sent to the ring anyway? Well this is that one. As much as Jeff should be vilified for this let’s not give an inch on anyone else behind the scenes in TNA. They are just as responsible for this debacle as dear Jeffrey. – Jeremy

4. Jim Ross – The Okie returned to Monday Night Raw in the midst of an awkward but effective Jerry Lawler-Brian Christopher confrontation, got the pop of the night, then suffered a legit (but probably minor) injury in the process. Even though we’ll be there live, it’ll still be nice to know JR is at ringside calling the action, if he’s allowed to be. – Eric

5. Drew Carey – Just goes to show that an association with TNA means nothing. Carey didn’t even make the Stunt Granny Big 11 last week when he called TNA’s Brian Kendrick to “The Price is Right’s” stage, but now that he’s being inducted into the celebrity wing of the WWE Hall of Fame, he’s all over this list! Lucky duck! – Eric

6. Snooki – You know, I planned on slamming Jersey Shore. Then I got the smart idea to Google what their ratings are. Much to my surprise, their season 3 debut had 8.4 million viewers. This garbage got a 4.2 rating among adults. These numbers beg the question, if crap is rewarded this well, why aren’t our hits through the roof? – Kevin

7. The Rock – I love that every male above the age of 16 that watches wrestling is so desperate to see John Cena mocked for his ridiculous antics that they liked the Rock’s awful promo on Monday. The Rock doesn’t walk on water, he’s not perfect. One could see the child gag coming because it’s the WWE and anytime someone is mocking their opponent they use a child or midget. Hack material, no way around it. Don’t worry, I’m not just offending you the reader, I’m also offending my site comrades. – Kevin

8. WWE Superstars – In a shocking turn of events, Superstars is going off the air April 7th, according to WGN. Another poorly run program that wasn’t used for any storyline purposes and half of the show was reruns from the previous Raw or Smackdown. This cancellation feels like a tree falling in the woods with no one around. – Kevin

9. GLAAD – WWE recently announced a partnership with GLAAD in order to “create and promote an anti-bullying initiative aimed at their core audience.” This comes on the heels of the backlash against John Cena’s anti-gay promos. Look, this is nice and all to say, but let’s face it here. WWE’s “core audience” is lower income white trash Walmart people. They are by and large racist and homophobic people. (I’m stereotyping just like they do.) They aren’t going to buy this message, no matter how well done it is. And shame on GLAAD for trusting WWE in any way whatsoever after the whole Billy and Chuck fiasco. – Dusty

10. Daffney – So Daffney’s contract expired, and TNA chose not to renew it. In turn, she has filed a worker’s compensation suit against TNA because of on-the-job injuries suffered that have not been properly compensated for by the company. This basically makes her unemployable for any major wrestling company, but maybe her thought is to cash in while she has the chance and get the hell out of the business altogether. My mom recently filed a worker’s comp suit herself, and the lawyer said he only takes cases where he thinks he has a great chance of winning, so maybe that bodes well for young Daffney. – Dusty

11. Victory Road – Holy god, that was an awful PPV. Maybe one of the worst ever. Sweet Jesus, what an awful company. – Dusty

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

A very long segment makes me think of long legs, to keep my sanity.

So I watched the mid-main event of Cole/Lawler/Christopher/JR/Swagger so I won’t be able to review it properly. I’ll do a Clif’s Notes version later. I am watching the Rock almost live though. His skit isn’t funny either. You’re just making more money pal. The little child gag is overplayed even by WWE standards. The director cuts to some awful shot. Wow, saying your best guy isn’t talented. Great idea. That’s sarcasm by the way. This segment is brutal. Rock finally turns to talk about the Miz with ominous Undertaker like music. The guy laying down the sound beds needs to be fired. Rock still doesn’t have an answer for the Via Satellite line. I decided to stay up to review this? I made a mistake. Cole Mine. It’s funny but it doesn’t help me take him seriously. Lordy, this segment is going to go longer? I’m one of the few idiots that didn’t think any of the Lord of the Rings movies were too long. This is longer. The Miz doing better than the Rock less than a minute in. Solid work by Miz. Great goodily, moodily. More? Lawler takes over reading the GM’s email. Cena takes on Del Rio tonight. The Miz gets to take on the Great Khali. No Josh, this is not must see. At least they’re going to commercial. One of the longer 21 minutes in my life.

Riley takes the beating so that Miz can whack Khali with a chair. The Great Indian jobber. Another yawner of a segment. Cole hyping the segment I already saw. Christopher didn’t shock the world. Except for how shockingly terrible and bloated he looked.

Wow, none of these live shows are without replays from the other show. I feel like I’m being cheated next week. I’m going to be sitting watching Raw while at Smackdown for at least 20 minutes. Morrison gets a good pop from the crowd. He’s with Snooki. Vickie makes no sense and Dolph has a bad suit on. KSU only taught me good taste.

Sheamus takes on Daniel Bryan for the US Title. Gail Kim is ridiculous. The crowd isn’t doing much for Bryan. Glad he got a sign in the crowd. They’re calling attention to a King of the Ring curse. Nice. The match was OK up until the commercial break.

Continue reading

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

A pair of old friends playing catch up. Quite amusing to know she missed the married years of yours truly.

I started this blog a lot later than normal. My friend Charmaine showed up in town for a conference. I hadn’t seen her since architecture school so it was bad ass to get to talk to her for a couple of drinks. I sucked down a couple of Burning Rivers from Great Lakes Brewing Company. I did get to hear the reception “Stone Cold” Steve Austin got because someone at the bar we were at had Raw turned on. When Jeremy texted me that Dolph (KSU! KSU! KSU!) was coming to Raw, I decided I needed to do this blog. Let’s roll.

I got to buzz through the Undertaker/HHH recap and UT sauntering down to the ring. UT selling his own demise. They’re trying to sell this match but after the last 2 matches with Michaels, can you really believe any of this?  As I finish typing that, UT brings up that exact point. I said in Audio 131 that UT/HHH will be a good match. I should have said (If I didn’t) that it’s not going to come close to either of these matches with Michaels. If it does, I’ll record the piercing of my nipples and post it on the site. No Holds Barred, I’ll take the bet still. Johnny Cash rocks. Cena with a final knock out. Austin on TV. Then Orton has the upper hand on Nexus but is over taken. Evidently Punk & Nexus are going to send Orton somewhere worse than the shelf. A GTS is worse than being on the shelf? Ahh, dragging him to the ring. Paging Mr. Cena.

Orton is still being beat down, now with 4 referees around. Otunga looking for his match against Orton. Orton already making a Superman recovery. Maybe not so much. The way he got up in the corner gave me more confidence in his recovery than it should have. Cole screams Orton with a slam when Otunga did it. This is the best WWE can do on play by play, huh? Orton hits the RKO for the out of nowhere victory.  Nexus finally smart enough not to allow the Punt before they come down. Ryan gets an RKO too. Orton keeps Punk at bay. Otunga gets the punt. Wow, I am amusing stuff way too early tonight. Cole rightly calls for a halt to Orton’s punting. He should be applauding it in his new persona. Matthews should be saying that stuff. Cole gets to hype his own segment right afterward. Right from sensible guy, to over the top heel within seconds. Fucking awful. And again, this is the best the WWE thinks it can do. I don’t think I make fun of the announcers that get KSU football games this much.

Continue reading

Eric’s blog: Cookie delivers borderline insulting promo on TNA iMPACT!

cookie

I never thought I'd say I prefer this Cookie.

Last night was my birthday (thanks for the wishes, the rest of you iz bitches), and so in between doing fun birthday things, I put myself through the torture of watching about 10 minutes of TNA iMPACT! I had to explain to my girlfriend Carly (who Jeremy doesn’t think really exists) that this is the minor league of pro wrestling. She even asked, “So, they’re not as good as WWE guys?” and “Do they get paid as much as WWE guys?” Good, a couple of short answers: “Nope” and “They shouldn’t.”

We had the misfortune of sitting through Abyss’ entrance and exit (Carly: “Hahaha, why is he breathing so heavily?”), a therapy session including Eric Young’s huge stupid bobblehead lying on Orlando “Don’t Call Me the Grape From Fruit of the Loom” Jordan’s bisexual lap, and somehow the worst of all, a promo with Robbie E and Cookie.

Now, I have no idea what 95 percent of their little snippet of a promo was, because I was trying to explain how TNA is chasing *all* of this mainstream coverage down with this horrendous angle, but I did overhear Cookie deliver one line that almost made me puke up my Ron Ron Juice:

“And then we’re gonna go out and party, like we always do.”

OK, TNA creative, you bunch of overpaid, untalented, half-assed hacks, listen up. I understand that Ric Flair used to tell the audience that he and the Horsemen were going to be at the Marriott in room 701, and all the ladies with their sweater puppies were invited. I understand that Brutus Beefcake would wax poetic with Gene Okerlund about cuttin’ and struttin’. Throughout time, wrestlers have talked about the fun they’re about to have, the extra-curricular activities in which they’re about to take part, and what have you.

But you never heard Flair say, “just like we always do.” You never heard Beefcake say, “Honky Tonk Man, I’m gonna cut your hair, just like I did to Barry O last week on Superstars!” You never heard Dino Bravo say, “I gonna bensh press 600 pound, just like I did in de gym last night!”

And most importantly, you’d never hear Cookie tell Pauly, “Let’s go to the club and party, just like we always do.”

Idiots.

You don’t have to be so fucking ham-fisted, heavy-handed and sledgehammery with your wrestlers’ promos. We get it, OK? I know either you think this is character development, or you’re simply not thinking at all. Maybe rather than slaving over a hot “Jerry Springer” episode waiting for the inspiration to write the next forgettable (or repressible) midcard angle and then scraping your half-cocked ideas together at the last minute to make yourself look like some sort of superhero, you bring us all back to when wrestling was a lot simpler, you write things a day or two in advance, and then you read it all back to yourself to see how stupid most of your stuff sounds. Because, trust me, it will.

Of course, if this were a direct challenge, I imagine you’d script yourself to breathe very heavily for 20 minutes, and then simply scream, “YOU’RE ON!”

(Which, by the way, received no reaction whatsoever from the crowd. Good job, dummies.)

%d bloggers like this: