Stunt Granny Movie Review: Brick Mansions

thCAR4W3WH

“Brick Mansions” is a Spike/TNT special. A movie in which if you stumble upon it on a random Sunday afternoon, you’ll stay for the finish. It’s not a good movie. It’s not a well-made movie. It’s a goofy caricature of an action movie. Once you accept that, you’ll realize it’s an enjoyable movie. It’s a Luc Besson film that Liam Neeson and Jason Statham wouldn’t wipe their behinds with. Luckily Paul Walker doesn’t believe on standing on trite movie ceremony – this film is right in his wheelhouse as the likeable, slightly believable action star. He may get flack for being a mediocre actor (I look at him as a man who accepts and embraces his limitations), but compared to the rest of the cast, he might as well be Daniel-Day Lewis. Any film in which RZA is the second best actor by far should tell you the type if film being made. “Brick Mansions”  is a gussied up B movie with a silly plot, parkour, cringe worthy representatives of black people, and in flattering view of Detroit. “Brick Mansions” is basically RoboCop if Donald Sterling directed it and got rid of the robot.

Guess what – I enjoyed it. Within 5 minutes of the film I accepted it for what it was and enjoyed the ride. I accepted that Detroit walled off an entire section of the Detroit projects to reduce crime. I accepted that RZA somehow stole a military transport and was able to attach a neutron dirty bomb to a Russian rocket for ransom. A French parkour expert who never lost his accent despite growing up in Detroit, who defeated armed gunman through brooms and flips? No problem. Paul Walker basically playing the love child of Keanu Reeves and Jackie Chan? I’m all in. Thugs speaking proper stilted English as if it was learned at a French catholic school – damn right. It has no logic besides its own, and follows its own rules. It is a better movie for it. I still remember “Brick Mansions after a week and smile thinking about it…more than I could say for better movies which fall by the wayside. It also reminded me how enjoyable Paul Walker was on film. I would say it’s a shame that his last starring role was this film, but he wouldn’t. So go see it. Definitely turn off the logic and reason and have fun. -Shahid

@WWE Blasts The Announcement, TNA Had Twins? & More on @HeelZiggler

Breyers Blasts! Birthday Blast Frozen Dairy Dessert– I had no idea what an email blast was until I watched Brooklyn Nine Nine (If you’re not watching, jump on board. Funny stuff.) I then had to confirm this is an actual term which my buddy Ken was familiar with because of his time in a marketing firm. I thought of that when I read this story on Prowrestling.net (Kind of sad I didn’t get the news from the source of origin at the PWTorch – VIP link warning – since they don’t break news) noting that the WWE blew their own announcement about the fruition of the WWE Network by sending out an email blast confirming it. Hopefully some combination of us will be recording right around their 9:30 PM EST announcement time. It’ll be live so it’ll be Internet Blast worthy.

hannah-holly-blossom

Hannah & Holly Blossom announced on their Facebook page that they are no longer with TNA or Ohio Championship Wrestling. I had no idea they were even on the roster or British Bootcamp which has produced the terrible Brad Maddox rip off known as Rockstar Spud. They realized after four years of being in OVW and nine years of wrestling that they weren’t getting the call up from TNA even though they easily could have ripped off the twin gimmick to get heat like the Bellas. Of course they didn’t admit to it but we can all read between the lines. Hannah & Holly did say they’ve had a fantastic time with both OVW & TNA so that they can keep the door open if TNA gets Spike TV to start airing Complete Knockouts.

– My boy Dolph Ziggler will be headed to the Pittsburgh to have his cranium looked at by a neuropsychologist, more than likely Dr. Maroon. Reports are surfacing that Ryback is getting heat for what he did from this match and working stiff & recklessly in other matches. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve found the new Bob Holly. I can’t wait for Ryback to be repackaged as Ryan “Radiator” Reeves. He’ll cool you off! – Kevin

News You Can Use: Fire Crotch, Murder and More Sorensen

Ivelisse Fire CrotchIvelisse Velez was on Tattoo Nightmares on Spike TV. Thanks to Prowrestling.Net for pointing out it’s airing. What, you mean you don’t remember her from Tough Enough either? I’m glad I’m not the only one. I decided to tape it since it didn’t air during my usual viewing time at the gym. For those of you who didn’t watch, Ivelisse thought it was be a good idea to get a sexy tattoo of a phoenix rising…on her crotch. Because the phoenix is below her bikini (look up dummy) or tights line, it appears as if her crotch is on fire. The other problem, not pictured above, is that the phoenix is a negative image inside of all of the flames. Ivelisse didn’t think of the implications until fans chanted “fire crotch” at her.  She was smart enough to whore herself out and get more TV time by going on the show to get it fixed. Jasmine Rodriguez was her tattoo artist. Ivelisse wanted something more womanly and decided to go with a flower. Jasmine was smart enough to not go too much larger than the original tattoo and came up with a solid design. The only problem is she now has a much better done flower crotch. If Ivelisse has ever watched wrestling, she’d realize that once you have a nickname, it sticks with you even after you spend a decade in Japan and come back under a new persona. Have fun still being called “fire crotch” for the rest of your indy career.

Former WWE developmental Brian McGee fatally stabbed his girlfriend Bianca McGaughey. McGee will be charged with first degree murder when he gets out of the hospital because of course this dumb ass fled from the police and crashed his car. What are the chances that the sports media trots Vince McMahon in front of cameras and grills him about the back ground of his wrestlers like they did to Bill Belicheck about Aaron Hernandez? None, that’s what I thought too.

If you didn’t get our fill of Jesse Sorensen news in our podcast below (Seriously, it’s right there. I’m not even going to link to it. If they change pages, just hit next page you lazy bum.) Sorensen is now claiming that a friend put up his GoFundMe.com page and took a jab at Dixie Carter. Sorensen wasn’t concerned enough with the inflammatory remarks to get his meat head of a friend to take down the post. How about removing it while denouncing the post? Just go ahead and keep the money so that you don’t become the next Daniel Lugo. Thanks. -Kevin

Ivelisse Flower Fix

The tattoo is better but is flower crotch better?

HHH In The NFL? Edge joins Twitter. Spike & TNA Make It Official.

Who’s doing quad exercises at the gym tonight?

I was telling my girl about gruesome wrestling injuries the other day. I told her about HHH blowing his quad and seeing it ravel up in his leg on live TV. It turns out I wasn’t the only one thinking about it recently. According to Prowrestling.net, Adam Carriker of the Washington Redskins was thinking about it when he was looking up at the lights of the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis, his former employer. We wish him a speedy recovery, unlike the dance of joy we did when HHH was injured and couldn’t big foot the roster for a full year.

Adam “Edge” Copeland has joined the ranks of those on Twitter with the handle @EdgeRatedR. We started following him from our @Stuntgranny account. I’m sure he’ll start following us right after we miss his next appearance on Haven or Sanctuary on SyFy. Yes those are real shows on a real cable network. Trust us.

The officials of TNA & Spike TV continue to spin more than either presidential campaign when they talked about the extension of the live programming officially through the end of 2012 by stating

The move to broadcasting LIVE has been a ratings boon and has provided a significant rise in the show’s social media presence on Facebook, Twitter, etc.

Ratings boon huh? Let’s take a gander at the ratings over on Gerweck.net, shall we? They went live on May 31st so the week before that they had a 1.01 which is less than stellar. Then they pulled a 0.9 for the first live show. Hmmm, I’m good at math so I’m positive that rating is going in the negative direction. The following weeks they went from anywhere between 0.85 to 1.09. Maybe I’m concentrating on the first part too much. I bet they’re making tons of money off their Facebook page and Twitter account just like we are. -Kevin

Viacom may pull Spike from DirecTV, just in time for me to enjoy Impact Wrestling

Is it a) where I do my best thinking, b) where TNA will go if Viacom leaves DirecTV, or c) all of the above?

I feel obligated to link to Prowrestling.net, even though I saw this story on Magnus’ Twitter account while I was on the toilet: Viacom and DirecTV are at each other’s throats about subscriber fees, and Viacom is threatening to pull all 17 of its cable channels from DirecTV, including MTV, all the Nickelodeons, and, yes, Spike, home of TNA Impact Wrestling. I remember a time when I wished a swift, curb-stompy death to TNA, but the post-Russo era has made for pretty good television and, from what I’ve seen through my neighbor’s window, pretty good pay-per-view. Bobby Roode came into his own as a world champion, Austin Aries is being given a run, Bully Ray became the best heel in the business (after Chris Jericho decided to dry up and die), Hulk Hogan, Sting and Kurt Angle found their roles, and even garbage like Robbie E and Garrett Bischoff have followed their paths back down the ladder.

So of course, what happens but TNA’s home network’s parent company threatens to leave a broadcast platform that offers a couple hundred thousand fans, at a time when a 1.0 rating is a time to celebrate. Oops. This sort of posturing and muscle-flexing happens all the time between networks and cable/satellite providers, but the gray cloud still looms. Hey, Dixie, as soon as you decide to scrap the Claire Crackhead storyline, you might want to give Fox a call. They should remember you.

For more on this story from DirecTV’s point of view, go to their sappy video page here. -Eric

TNA moves Impact Wrestling up an hour, now Devon’s kids can go to bed on time

Yep, the best part of the program that draws the highest ratings that they won't even be able to air in the new hour with all of the fans. (Credit to whoever posted this on Flickr)

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA has announced that Impact Wrestling will move from its current 9-11 p.m. Eastern time slot on Spike TV to an earlier 8-10 p.m. Eastern block, “predicated on the fact that there are more available viewers” during that earlier two hours. Yes, because at 10 p.m. Eastern, millions of people suddenly die and aren’t replaced until 11 p.m., and their TVs explode right there in the living rooms. No, there aren’t more available viewers at that time, and it’s not just TV industry jargon I don’t understand; it’s a fool’s explanation for a pussy move by a pussy company. Remember when TNA attempted the Monday Night Wars V2 in 2010, and within five months were back to Thursdays? The rationale, from TNA’s press release?

The fans have spoken and with their input we have determined the best timeslot to maximize the TNA audience is on Thursday nights where we are confident it will be among the most-watched shows with young men.

So at the time there were enough viewers to force an entire day shift, but now there are too few viewers there which warrants a time shift. I love it. TNA fans, set your VCRs accordingly!

For the record, here are shows TNA will now compete against in that 8-9 p.m. hour:

  • “Missing” (ABC, with puffy Ashley Judd)
  • “The Big Bang Theory” (CBS, as well as every other channel that has syndicated shows, so you can watch it any time)
  • “American Idol” (Fox; you don’t want to miss Steven Tyler’s face melting off)
  • “Community” and “30 Rock” (NBC, two of the most overrated shows of the past five years)
  • Basic cable reruns of “George Lopez,” “Two and a Half Men,” “American Pickers,” and “Real Housewives of New Jersey”
  • Highbrow, out-of-demographic news programs including “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Anderson Cooper 360” (or 180, if you ask Gorilla Monsoon)

If TNA can’t pull itself back up over the 1.0 mark against this cadre of pure shit, it needs to buy a huge novelty “OUT OF BUSINESS” sign and put itself out of its misery. -Eric

TNA Goes Hispanic

So this came up in Google search for Hispanic Wrestler.

Well, it appears WWE has some stiff competition here in North America as TNA has announced a new television deal on MTV’s Hispanic Network Tr3s. I guess that means MTV Three? Apparently there are three networks run by MTV for the Spanish market and if you know MTV, they all have to feature no music. Get it? Cause MTV in America doesn’t play music even though it stands for Music Television. See, this is a relevant joke.

Anyway, you have to figure that the execs at TNA feel the Spanish audience is stupid. Not in a racist way but in the “I’ll…… talk….. real….. slow…. so…. you…. can….. understand…… English” sort of way.

How else do you explain the idea of peddling their garbage product to a new audience? The US audience barely likes the product. Ratings have gone nowhere for the majority of their stay on Spike TV. Maybe they will sling some of this shit to a new audience that already has cartoonish wrestling all over the place in Mexico? How do they expect to compete with the long established Lucha scene? It may be cartoonish but at least it makes sense for the most part. Is TNA prepared to settle for obscurity in a whole new market?

At least WWE went out and signed the biggest star in Mexico to drive up their Hispanic audience. TNA has, um, Amazing Red and, damn, is that it? Are there any Hispanic wrestlers on the roster? Sure I could look it up but then that proves the point. If you are going to get your television on in Hispanic markets at least have some properly featured wrestlers. Oh yeah, Hernandez comes to mind now, along with his new sidekick Whathisname. You know, the guy that was a star in Mexico and a nobody in TNA? Awesome work, Dixie and the gang. -Jeremy

Remember! No TNA Impact Tonight

Lobster Dog is unmoved.

Bad news if you are eager to watch some wrestling tonight; Impact isn’t on and it isn’t Friday. Yup, Spike TV has deemed the NFL and ESPN College Football too big to put little old Impact on tonight, At least that has to be the reasoning, right?

Impact and especially TNA rank so high on Spike’s importance scale that reruns of “Gangland” bumped it. They removed Impact for repeats even though TNA is coming off of a PPV. So, this clearly kills all of the credibility of Dixie Carter. You know, the chick who runs or owns or cameos or bigfoots or whatevers Impact and TNA. She constantly spews about how Spike loves TNA and blah blah blah and then they get treated like an episode of “The John Henson Show.” You remember that right? That’s what I thought.

So to make up for the fact that their only show got bumped for reruns, they are putting on a web show of…….wait for it……. a live Q&A with Dixie Carter. Yes, instead of taping some matches or putting on a best-of show or interviewing wrestlers or getting over angles, they are having a question and answerzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

This bitch is everywhere now. Remember when she wasn’t on TV? Well, Impact still sucked but she wasn’t on so I am not sure what my point is here. Anyway, I have a suggestion for Dixie Carter that will make this web show at least passable and it involves her being naked and her playing with her vagina. There, that I would tune in to for about three to five minutes.  -Jeremy

Eric’s blog: On a slow news day like today…

lanny poffo

"I hear tonight I'm teaming with the Honky Tonk Man, I'll be surprised if we get paid; I only see 8 fans!"

… is it sad that Jeremy says, “someone needs to die already”?

… is it wrong to wish for 7-8 WWE “superstars” to get canned?

… would it help if a major financial backer (read: money mark) for an upstart wrestling promotion (read: crock of shit) ended up dead, naked and face down in a hotel bathtub, covered in Vaseline, with a hooker sobbing uncontrollably on the bed?

(Would the hooker really still be there, or would she have taken the money and ran?)

(And who’s to say the hooker would have been a “she”?)

(Speaking of which, any Mexican midgets die lately?)

… is it sad that Samoa Joe yelling at Jeremy Borash would be a welcome piece of news?

… would it be too much for Shawn Michaels to tweet something on that Twitter account that he savvily ended with an underscore?

… could John Cena accidentally call Stephanie McMahon a “cunt” on the radio? Now *that* would be legendary.

… could Lanny Poffo and Honky Tonk Man at least team up to DVDA that hooker from earlier?

… could Spike TV announce that it’s pre-empting TNA iMPACT! for the duration of the show’s contract in favor of showing two-hour marathons of “That’s My Bush” and old episodes of “Police Squad”?

… could Dixie Carter just come to her fucking senses?

Big City, Little Venue

The Steinberg Solar home in Lodi, Wisconsin. It'll make sense when you read below.

TNA is finally coming to Columbus Ohio after years of having shows in some podunk town that is not even all that close to Dayton. They might still have a house show there but I don’t care now. Especially since TNA is hosting the event at the Dispatch Ice Haus which is the practice rink that is attached to Nationwide Arena where the WWE hosts Raw and Smackdown. I wish I could think of a metaphor to compare TNA and the WWE. Hmmm. – Kevin

For more information on the Steinberg Solar Home (and where I snagged the picture) go here.

%d bloggers like this: