TNA Potpourri

Doctors say she needs a faceotomy!

Man, I hate TNA. Have I ever mentioned that? I just wanted to make sure.

Sarah “Sarita” Stock is currently out of action due to facial paralysis. He missed her match last night in Pachuca, Mexico, as well as tonight’s show at Arena Mexico. No word if she will be ready by Monday’s television tapings in Orlando. She is not scheduled for Sunday’s PPV show.

Now, my life is predicated on two things and two things only. One is that I always have an abundant supply of spaghetti to, uh, eat. Yeah that’s it. The other is to have the ability to move my face. So, you know, that’s gotta really suck.

TNA Impact rating was a 1.1.

They could have Jesus come down and deliver Abyss a pizza and I’m not sure they would get beyond a 1.1.

What looks to be the next Impact taping on the road is scheduled for 8/25 in Huntsville, AL, at the Von Braun Center.

I recognize the Von Braun Center as a regular Superstars taping locale back in the day. I wonder also if Hardcore Holly will be in attendance there. I wonder why they haven’t brought him in yet since a) they bring absolutely everyone in who has WWE on their resume at some point, and b) Russo loves those worked shoots, so it would seem natural for him to want to book a Holly vs. Mr. Anderson feud at some point. Have I mentioned how much Mr. Anderson sucks? I just want to make sure that is mentioned. – Dusty

List of terms WWE has banned… I mean, SQUASHED!!

According to LordsOfPain.net (wow, who’da thought we’d ever say that?), WWE has issued a list of terms (titled “The Language of WWE”) to its international markets that may not be used during voice-overs for broadcasts. Is this like when we stopped saying “venereal disease” in favor of “sexually transmitted disease,” which recently then became “sexually transmitted infection”? Or is it more like not calling midgets “midgets” anymore? Either way, here’s the article:

“World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) is a publicly traded entertainment company (NYSE: WWE) that creates and delivers a weekly action soap opera to its passionate fans.

WWE has been a recognized leader in entertainment for more than 25 years and has developed into one of the most popular and sophisticated forms of global entertainment today.

As a global entertainment brand, the language that we use when communicating on WWE is critical.

Please ensure that you are familiar and employing the below, effective immediately. “

Here’s a look at some of the terms:

* “Wrestling” or “catch” is banned. Some European countries still use the term “catch” to describe pro wrestling and “catchers” to describe wrestlers. “The Language of WWE” states that the following phrases are incorrect: “Wrestling is broadcast in 145 countries,” or “Catch is broadcast in 145 countries.” The correct terminology is: “WWE is broadcast in 145 countries.”

* “Sports” is incorrect. “Entertainment or Action Soap Opera” is allowed. For example, “WWE is exciting entertainment” or “WWE is an exciting action soap opera” is allowed. In the last example, “action soap opera” is printed in bold, presumably to make sure there’s no confusion.

* “Catchers” or “wrestlers” are not allowed. Incorrect examples are “Catchers are unique characters” or “Wrestlers are unique characters.” The term “WWE Superstars” is allowed.

* “Athletes” or “Sportsmen” are not allowed either. WWE gives the following example to use: “WWE Superstars are entertainers with tremendous athletic prowess.”

* The term “fight” is not allowed. Matches must be referred to as “match” or “bout.”

* “Fighting” is also not allowed but the term “action” is.

“The Language of WWE” printout concludes with the following “Key Soundbytes”:

* WWE is pure entertainment

* WWE is an action soap opera

* WWE Superstars are entertainers with tremendous athletic prowess

Now, before you get all up in arms, keep in mind that WWE is well within its rights to do this. If they want to be called “WWE” instead of “World Wrestling Entertainment,” that’s fair; in the snap of a finger, the NBA could change its name to “Entitled Ghetto High Schoolers Throwing a Ball,” and Mike & Mike would kowtow. If they want you to refer to their independent contractors as “Superstars” instead of “the future dead,” so be it. If they’re OK with being known as an “action soap opera,” well, give me my bon-bons and a Snuggie, sweetheart, because I’m toeing the company line. WWE has already banned knife-edge chops, and everyone but that idiot Trish Stratus has gone along with it, but you still watch, right? So just let them give you the style of entertainment you like, and if they want to call it a “Gobbledy Gookin’ Slobber Knockin’ Shit Storm of Family Fun,” just eat what they feed you. Or watch TNA, because that’s sooo much better. -Eric

WGN cancels WWE Superstars, Tyler Reks better re-set DVR to Fridays

"I am TOO a superstar! Hrmph!"

Our old friends at Prowrestling.net broke the news that WGN has canceled “WWE Superstars,” and the last episode will air April 7, the week after WrestleMania 27. We originally discussed the WGN timeslot here two years ago, and WGN didn’t become the future home for Smackdown we thought it might be. SyFy has to be happy with Smackdown’s climbing ratings, though, whereas WGN obviously couldn’t care less about tailspinning ratings for main-event angles such as Chris Masters vs. Tyler Reks and DH Smith vs. Tyler Reks and Yoshi Tatsu vs. Tyler Reks. I tell ya, if there’s one guy who probably shouldn’t answer his phone after WrestleMania, it’s… Trent Barreta. Because he’s a loser, silly! -Eric

The Big 11

St. Francis of Assissi was the first case of extrabiblical stigmata in history.

We decided to add a new feature to the site which was supposed to run every Friday but because both Eric & I traveled yesterday, so it got put off until today. We also wanted to count down the top 11 moments of the week in our minds but we’re a bunch of slackers and could only come up with six this week. It doesn’t help that wrestling news was absent this week. Kind of like the regular news, did you see how many places were running Ted Williams, the homeless guy from Columbus OH, stories? This year is getting off to a shitty start on all fronts.

1. CM Punk – The subversive superstar strikes again with stigmata marks on the palms of his hands. In a world where Vince McMahon can wrestle God, Punk had damn well better get a free pass on this one. By the way, what’s the difference between Jesus and an oil painting? You only need one nail to hang a painting. – Eric

2. HD Viewing – I recently got into HD viewing act. I watch Raw, Superstars & Smackdown all in HD. I even started reviewing an episode of Pro Wrestling Ohio in HD. ROH is on HDNet. Guess who isn’t on an HD station for me, TNA. It is appropriate that I view the lowest form of wrestling not in HD. – Kevin

3. The Miz – WWE seems to be behind this guy and features him prominently on TV. Of course ratings have been down ever since his title win but who cares. He’s a fresh face carrying the program and his performance does not warrant yanking it away. – Jeremy

4. Tough Enough – WWE decides to bring back a show that is muich beloved but has produced so little. Yup, John Morrision is an alum who has moved up the ladder but no one else has done a thing. So Tough Enough comes in with high expectations when it should have none. The history of WWE reality television ranks somewhere between swine flu and chicken pox so expecting gold flecks of joy are is really kind of silly. – Jeremy

5. Josh Matthews – Jeremy may not count him as a Tough Enough alum but I do. He’s been all over WWE programming the last couple of weeks. He worked well as the play by play guy on Smackdown but struggled as the color man on Raw this week. While on Smackdown last week, Michael Cole made fun of him for filling in for Jerry “The King” Lawler on Raw and Todd Grisham on that program, Matthews had a perfect response “Don’t forget I was on Superstars too.” – Kevin

6. Dolph Ziggler – My fellow Kent State alumni may have lost his Intercontinental Championship yesterday but he gained even more momentum by becoming the number one contender for Edge’s World Heavyweight Championship. He’s been wrestling great matches. They have a built in Vickie Guerrero angle for this feud so look for these two to get things off on the right foot in the New Year. – Kevin

Dusty Edit: I swear I didn’t know about this, or else I would have come up with 5 entries earlier to fill this out. Consider this an addendum.

7. Nick Gage – The indy wrestler extraordinaire robbed a bank a while ago, and turned himself in on January 1. A few days earlier, CZW had put up a disclaimer on their website encouraging people not to conduct themselves the way Nick Gage did, which was pretty lolsome. In any event, real men don’t turn themselves in. Real men run and hide, and when they get caught, they go out kicking and screaming.

8. Paul London reviewed Ring of Hell – Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0vaAuVBqE8. London gets my undying respect for basically turning himself into wrestling’s version of Marc Maron, who happens to be my favorite comedian right now. Hopefully pretty soon London will film a video of him trying to get his cats to perform stupid stunts for the camera.

9. Marty Jannetty – I love me some Marty Jannetty. Here’s what he posted December 31 on his Facebook page: it’s almost noon and I aint had a single dagum(borrowed word from Bobby Bowden) drink yet..what the hey, this aint right..I was hoping to see the kick-off of the Georgia Bulldongs game but not remember anything after that…I’m b’hind schedule here..any suckgestions?

10. New Best Match Ever – It’s this:

11. Full House Reviewed – It’s not wrestling related, but who gives a shit. Go to fullhousereviewed.wordpress.com for all the fun. But then be sure to come back here, because here is more important than there, or everywhere… – Dusty

WWE partners with YouTube to show full-length programs

kermit the frog

Kermit isn't watching "Two Girls, One Cup," he's watching ECW!

(PROGRAMMING NOTE: Don’t miss out on our three-part King of the Ring retrospective audio series! We’ll re-post it in a little bit to bump it up to the top, but since we have the chance to scoop other sites with some real news, we had to post this now.)

According to Advertising Age, WWE has agreed to provide four of its TV shows (one of which doesn’t actually exist anymore) in their entirety to YouTube. Good, my old-ass browser at work won’t play stuff on Hulu. The article states that WWE “will make a handful of its popular pro wrestling shows (“Friday Night SmackDown,” “WWE NXT,” “WWE Superstars” and “ECW”) available for streaming to U.S. users.” WWE will also sprinkle YouTube with more clips from old Monday Night Raws and, if my finger-crossing works, Coliseum Home Videos. Kamala bowling~!

“Wrestling is enormously popular on YouTube,” said Chris Dale, a spokesman for [YouTube]. “A large demographic of our community loves to watch these videos, and both [YouTube and WWE] saw the opportunity to provide that community with content that would really resonate with them.”

Oh, I was joking a second ago; I don’t watch any wrestling videos on YouTube during work at all, so this is in no way a huge deal to me. This does kind of beg the question as to whether or not WWE will sound the alarm even louder anytime a YouTube user posts copyrighted material, but,

Mr. Dale said protecting and controlling content is something any content producer can do with YouTube’s Content ID system, even without a premium partnership.”Regardless of whether the WWE was putting full-length episodes on its channel, it would always have the option to use Content ID to block, monetize or track the engagement of its content,” he said.

Good, maybe they won’t take down the “Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior” DVD that gets me through my day. Anyway, now I can watch Smackdown guilt-free and fast-forward heavy. And not at work, I swear. -Eric

Spoilers from tonight’s WWE Monday Night Raw taping

Raw granny

This granny likes it RAW~!

Kevin is texting us updates from the Nationwide Arena (Nationwide is on your side) in Columbus, Ohio (the University of Iowa is on my side). Here they are, in a timely fashion (with my asshole comments in italics):

7:33 p.m.: They have to top (tarp?) half of the arena behind the hard camera. The areas open are packed. Superstars match is the Bella Twins vs. Katie Lea & Jillian. (Godspeed, Kevin.) The Bellas win with a victory roll. The Bellas didn’t look bad until after the hot tag. Decent match. Katie got the most cat calls. Guards have passed out some DX glow sticks.

7:44 p.m.: Chavo vs. Primo vs. Masters for a spot in the Rumble. Chavo is locked for a Masters win. Too bad the crowd lost. (Ba-dum ching.) Masters got an OK reaction. Looks like a SS match. (I hope he’s not referring to the SS like the tattoo on Ludvig Borga’s leg.)

7:52 p.m.: Jericho came out and said he’d win the RR. Truth came out to a big pop (sad) and ran down Y2J. Truth claims he’ll win the RR (that’ll be the fuckin’ day). Short brawl & Jericho bails.

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