News You Can Use – Christmas Bounty, Dixieland, Jim Ross and Total Divas

news_listing_headerMy woman is just so excited about Mike “The Miz” Mizanin movie “Christmas Bounty” airing tonight on ABC Family. She watches some of the most horrific movies that I’ve ever laid eyes on. To put this into perspective, I’ve sat through the entire run of Mystery Science Theater 3000, CSI: Miami and Hawaii Five-O (The new version) and have gotten all kinds of laughs. Do I know all of these shows are terrible? Yes I do. Are they horrific? No. So stay tuned for a short synopsis from the Queen of Cheese-tastic Christmas movies.

Jim Ross had this to say about Big E Langston and Roman Reigns because of some of his Twitter followers

Some fans need to exert a little more patience while young talents such as Reigns and Big E evolve to the next level.

Ross had mentioned this after not liking Big E’s promo. I’m not sure who these fans are because I haven’t seen too many complaints about either man online. I feel like this is code for Jim Ross wanting to bash the WWE writers. How exactly is Big E going to get over on the mic if he doesn’t have mic time? The same can be said about Roman Reigns. His in ring work got featured on Raw but the Shield wasn’t in a solitary backstage segment. How about the WWE show some patience and not team Big E with Mark Henry then have the announcers speculate about a new tag team? You just gave him the Intercontinental Title last week on Raw. Show some patience and give him more fodder to defend the belt. Jim Ross is good at selectively picking who he responds to in his blog.

According to Zap2It.com (by way of Prowrestling.net) Total Divas has been renewed for another season. When I informed my lady that it was renewed last night I got a groan and maybe a grunt. I barely talked her into the column for the second half of this season. I may need to pay her to do it next season. We’re making a profit, right?

I finally got around to reading the “Dixieland” article on SI.com which she referenced on last week’s Impact Wrestling. I had to laugh at a couple of points which the writer made. The first point was about getting on Spike TV:

Getting onto a visible cable platform allowed Dixie and TNA to lure away some of their competitor’s bigger stars. Jeff Hardy, a wildly popular WWE wrestler in the late 90s and early 2000s with his brother Matt, under the moniker “The Hardy Boyz,” joined TNA in 2004. Two-time Olympic wrestling gold medalist Kurt Angle joined the company in 2006. Steve Borden, a.k.a. Sting, signed with TNA in 2003 and is widely considered the most popular pro wrestler ever to never work for the WWE.

That is full of entertainment. TNA allegedly lured away Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle by supplying them with drugs before finally cutting them off. I can’t argue with the point about Sting so one out of three correct isn’t too bad. The bar is set pretty low for the media these days. Dixie had her own whopper:

One of the continuous hurdles she’s had to overcome is the perception that one has to grow up in the wrestling business to be good at it. It’s believed that Dixie is the first and only female pro wrestling owner to not have any familial ties to wrestlers…That’s all any business is,” said Dixie. “You don’t have to know wrestling. You’ll know wrestling eventually, but business is about making good decisions, putting good people around you and managing them.
I agree with her in that you don’t need to grow up in wrestling to be good at it. None of us grew up in wrestling but we can totally book better than anyone who has ever written wrestling. The entertaining part is about making good decisions, good people and managing them. Dixie hasn’t made good decisions (Putting herself on TV), hasn’t brought in good people (Eric Bischoff & Hulk Hogan) and she hasn’t managed anyone as far as I can tell (Except for her dad to keep putting money into the product). The last point is peppered through out the second half of the article but AJ Styles sums it up quite well:
I think we have to think outside the wrestling box.,” said Styles. “That’s the most important thing we need to do. Wrestling’s been done a certain way for so long and I think if we can go outside that thinking and change the way we do things, storylines and what not, that will separate us from the WWE. We can’t be like them — we have to be the alternative. We need to be something different.
TNA and Dixie Carter have been saying for a decade that they need to be different than the WWE yet they’ve provided us with a watered down version of the Attitude Era with many of those stars for that same time period. I can’t wait for another decade of ineptitude since they aren’t selling the company. At least they’ll let me do the same blog that every other wrestling fan does. – Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

deviantart.com

deviantart.com

It was fantastic having a weekend in before the storm that is Thankmas. (They spell it wrong in the otherwise fantastic piece of art.) I killed a growler of Zauber’s Poltergeist, which is quite tasty. The lady & I are headed to Dayton for Thanksgiving. On Friday, it’s time to go watch the Pitt Panthers match it up with the Miami Hurricanes. We’re then moving on to Altoona for Thankmas on Saturday. We’ll be back in the ‘Bus on Sunday.

Randy Orton saunters down to the ring like normal. He takes so long that the announcers introduce matches during it. He barely cuts a promo before inviting down HHH & Stephanie. Randy Orton is not impressed with Steph’s reasoning. Orton can take care of himself. He wipes like a big boy. Randy proclaims to be the best Superstar ever. That brings out John Cena. Steph thinks John will have a potty mouth. Cena is thinking there needs to only be one title. John, this match was not eleven years in the making. HHH makes the match at TLC.

Roman Reigns gets his time in the spotlight for his four spears. Cody Rhodes & Goldust come out. Rey Mysterio wants some revenge too. Goldust gets roughed up by Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins early. Goldust made a leaping Rollins pay with a reverse atomic drop. Goldie couldn’t tag still though.  Rey looks better than ever according to JBL. No surprise it was a fun exchange with Rollins. Reigns saves Ambrose from a pin. Rey gets speared going for a 619. He gets Goldust too. Cody drop kicks Reigns outside. Ambrose with the head plant for the win. Fun stuff again. Glad Ambrose got the pin. He seems to have been lagging. Michael Strahan gets his first air time 30 minutes into the show.

The Miz is in the ring. He was explaining on the After Opie & Anthony Live that he’s fine with being a utility player in the WWE. He is saving his body doing segments like this one. Titus O’Neil comes out as Strahan. He starts answering questions. It’s supposed to be funny. The Miz makes fun of the gap in the teeth. The Miz taking shots at the Giants while his Browns absolutely sucked yesterday. Michael Strahan comes out. I zone out of the match up he makes. John Cena & Big Show are taking on Alberto Del Rio & Randy Orton. (Next Day Note: I had only really zoned out of the heels announcement. I did the backwards day after a PPV math and figured their old opponents would be in there.) The Miz challenges Strahan to a match. We get a wrestling clinic. The Miz gets the hip toss reversed. Titus does the Millions of Dollars dance then gets hip tossed. The announcers loved it. If they weren’t getting paid, they’d disagree.

Ryback is teaming with Curtis Axel against Big E Langston & Mark Henry. The WWE is making it really easy to make jokes. Xavier Woods & R Truth last week. Just saying. Ouch. Ryback looked like he dumped Big E on his shoulder. Mark Henry gets to beat up on Curtis Axel. World’s Strongest Slam. World’s Strongest Team postulates Lawler.

The Divas get a rematch of the Survivor Series match. Brie starts off against Aksana. Facebuster eliminates Aksana. Rosa Mendes doesn’t look good in white with blonde hair. Nikki pins Rosa. Super kick by Tamina on Naomi for an elimination. Cameron comes in because she’s an idiot. Samoan Drop for another elimination. Natalya matches up better with Tamina. Jojo pins Tamina after Natalya does the work. Alicia Fox eliminates Jojo. Eva Marie gets booed so naturally she’s on the face team. She pins Fox very poorly. Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter on Kaitlyn. I can’t keep up with the pins. Pathetic that there’s so little time. AJ rolls up Natalya. Facebuster by Brie eliminates AJ Lee. Summer Rae is the last one on the other team. Summer dances for us. Nikki can do the Worm. Nikki with the Torture Rack drop down for the last elimination. What a train wreck. I shouldn’t have to pay for that slop.

From 123rf.com because a hand holding a pencil needs to be watermarked.

From 123rf.com because a hand holding a pencil needs to be watermarked.

There’s so much red in the paragraph above that I feel like I was correcting work from Idiot Intern. Damien Sandow isn’t happy with the stipulation. Dolph Ziggler is his opponent again. People voting knew the matches all meant the same thing so the voting was pretty even. John Tavares is a stud for the Islanders but I wish Ziggler didn’t have to resort to that. They have a bunch of goofy shit in the ring again. Sandow recovers with a mic shot to Ziggler. Mitchell Cool references the Mean Street Posse which shows you the importance level of this match despite it’s commercial break. Sandow dumps out the cleanest garbage can ever. Sandow drops the Elbow of Disdain. Fire extinguisher to the face by Ziggler. I’ve been hit with one before, it isn’t disorienting. It does taste like real garbage though. Rob Zombie, I will get you back. Sandow belts Ziggler with a garbage can. The crowd is paying more attention to the crowd. DDT on a chair by Ziggler. Sandow broke an oar against Ziggler’s back. Full Nelson slam on a garbage can gets Sandow a three count. I skipped through the Miz’s new movie. Michael Strahan is talking to Santino Marella when Erick Rowan offers him a sheep’s mask. Interesting. Santino checks back in after Rowan leaves. I have no idea why he babbled so long. Which wasn’t really that long.

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Weekend Rewind – Survivor Series Predictions

future-crystal-ballJeremy and I attempted to predict the results of Survivor Series. I don’t remember Jeremy’s picks although they were generally the opposite of mine. I didn’t order the pay per view itself because as we discussed, the WWE didn’t give us much incentive to put down money on it. So let’s run through the results and see how I did.

Survivor Series Pre-Show

Kofi Kingston vs The Miz – We both agreed on this one. The newly minted heel would get the win. No one was surprised that the Miz won this one. We’re off to a good start.

Survivor Series

Rey Mysterio, Cody Rhodes, Goldust & The Usos vs The Shield & The Real Americans – My prediction was that Roman Reigns & Antonio Cesaro would be the sole survivors. I was half right since Reigns was the only survivor. One of the bigger surprises to me reading the results was the fact that Dean Ambrose got eliminated first, at the 2:15 mark. Jack Swagger got his just desserts next and got pinned second. The third elimination was another surprise to me because Antonio Cesaro was half of my prediction. The WWE has been pushing him pretty heavily but I will now assume him and Swagger will hold the Tag Team championships. If Cesaro had been a survivor, I would have expected him to get a singles push. For now, only Roman Reigns gets it.

Big E Langston vs Curtis Axel – Big E defended the Intercontinental Title successfully. This was not a surprise either. What was a surprise was Cody Rhodes admitting on ChadDukesWrestlingShow.com (by way of Prowrestling.net) that he paid for the white title strapped I.C. Title. He got refunded which is good because no one popped for it unless they were backstage.

Natalya, Eva Marie, Jojo, The Bella Twins & The Funkadctyls vs A.J. Lee, Tamina Snuka, Alicia Fox, Summer Rae, Aksana, Kaitlyn &  Rosa Mendes – Jeremy & I were wrong that it’d be a pin fall match up. We did however speculate that if they did go elimination style match that the pin falls would be rapid fire and that is exactly what happened. Natalya & Nikki ended up winning because they’re on Total Divas, which will be watched tonight by the woman & I.

Mark Henry vs Ryback – We had no prediction for this match because it wasn’t on the card. To no one’s surprise, the guy making the big return got the victory. Have fun with the de-push Ryback because it’s in full motion.

John Cena vs Alberto Del Rio – Cena is starting to become like the Undertaker during Wrestlemania season. I think there are only so many ways to build up a credible opponent for Taker at WM. Well, there’s only so many credible ways to build up opponents for Cena during the entire year now. His arm has been assaulted over and over again by Damien Sandow & Alberto Del Rio but it still didn’t lead to me thinking of Del Rio as a credible opponent. You do know Cena won, right?

CM Punk & Daniel Bryan vs Luke Harper & Erick Rowan – I got this one wrong and Jeremy was right since Harper took the pin fall against Punk. I thought Bray Wyatt would interfere and cost the baby faces the match. That did not happen. The WWE was smart enough to have the Shield run rough shod over the WWE to look good. They are not giving the Wyatt Family as much love. They deserved to win in a cheating manner to keep their heat going. Instead the Wyatts are been following the buzzards in circles which keeps leading them back to where they started, nowhere.

Randy Orton vs Big Show – The Authority did as promised and no one physically got involved in this match. But they got us by using the classic music tease level of interference. It will continue to confound me as to why any wrestlers, baby face or heel, reacts to the music. You’ve seen it played out on TV at least once a month. It costs you matches! Watch some game film and be prepared for it. Jeremy & I agreed on this finish and were correct. The big take away from this Randy Orton win though is John Cena coming out and holding up his title as The Authority clapped for the Orton victory. Are we getting a unification match for the WWE & World Championships? It sure looks like it. Are Big E Langston & Dean Ambrose going to get a bump since they have the secondary titles? Looks of speculation to keep you hooked for Monday Night Raw. – Kevin

Stunt Granny Audio – Survivor Series Preview

Survivor-Series-2013-Wallpaper-HD

Google told me this is from BleacherReport.com

Jeremy & Kevin are back again as they promised for a Survivor Series preview. They start at the bottom which for this pay per view means the Miz versus Kofi Kingston. They quickly move along to the main card. Big E Langston will defend the IC Title against Curtis Axel. Which host wanted to see Big E get the win on the show instead of Raw? Which one thinks Big E will get a crowning win at the PPV anyway? Total Divas gets a match against an odd bunch of heels. Weren’t AJ Lee and Kaitlyn just feuding? Who was Diva of the Day so that Jeremy & Kevin could fawn over her? The guys start talking about the only traditional tag team match between The Usos, Cody Rhodes, Goldust & Rey Mysterio taking on The Shield & The Real Americans. The hosts are at odds again. Was it good for Mysterio to be revealed on Raw? Or should they have waited for the PPV? How many of these guys were in the Raw main event that Jeremy & Kevin loved? They both agree that helps keep them away from this show. How much luster is lost when our hosts realize Bray Wyatt isn’t a part of the Wyatt Family match with CM Punk & Daniel Bryan? Will he interfere or not? Again the hosts are split in their decision. The next match on the docket is John Cena defending his World Championship against Alberto Del Rio. How few words do they expend on this match because of it’s predictable ending? Last is Randy Orton defending his WWE Championship against Big Show. Is the WWE Title less important than the World Championship now? Do the hosts agree on the ending to this match? Find out when you click the link below.

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Long_nights_allow_me_to_feel__by_HarlequinFever

HarlequinFever.deviantart.com with a really cool picture.

I’m going to be watching Total Divas before starting my Raw review for the foreseeable future. It’s going to make for some long nights which is what led me to that fantastic picture above. I completely forgot about the Penguins game tonight. I’m going to start this blog even later than I expected. Woo hoo. They play Wednesday night again. Let’s roll.

Video Package Count: 1. They talk about the power struggle, John Cena & Alberto Del Rio, Randy Orton & Big Show and the end of the night melee. I had forgotten about the country theme. It’ll be window dressing like always. I can’t wait for the cow girls Divas match. They waste no time bringing out HHH and Stephanie. They are important because of how poorly things went last week. Hell in a hand basket without them. Randy Orton has a problem with them. Vickie Guerrero does the quietest “Excuse Me” ever which is awesome. Brad Maddox immediately throws Vickie under the bus. Also funny. Stephanie pits AJ Lee against Vickie. HHH gets to tell Maddox his fate, which happens right now.

Well, after a commercial actually. Raw Country meant a country theme song so far. Maddox cracks Orton with a microphone while running away. Maddox tosses him into a ring post then rolls him into the ring. He gets a two count. Orton recovers. That is a nice dress shirt Maddox was wearing. Hanging DDT off the barricade. The crowd is chanting “We want tables”. I don’t think you’ll get them. Orton beats Maddox unconscious. This is all PG because of no blood, right?

Big E Langston gets a crack at Curtis Axel‘s Intercontinental Title. I watched the South Park about X Box One and Playstation 4. I had no idea either game system was in for an upgrade. Haven’t played them in ages. WWE advertising is effective. Langston covers after a shoulder block. Ha. Axel tries to slow things down but it doesn’t work. Langston goes for another pin dumb pin after a back drop. Axel gets control. We get a break. Good to see these young guys get an extended match. Langston goes back to some power moves. Big Splash only gets a two count. Axel gets out of the Big Ending. Neck breaker by Axel is countered. Clothesline by Big E. Big Ending. Crowd goes pretty crazy. Congrats Big E Langston. You’ve achieved a title that means you still might be on the right path but the WWE still won’t know for a while. Randy Orton is talking to the Shield. Roman Reigns wants Orton to have their back too. More country song. Shot me.

Instead of a cow girl match, we get musical chairs to this horrific song. I FF until the Divas brawl. I’m loving Alicia Fox on Total Divas. I’m glad this segment could help me catch up.

Big Show is taking on Ryback. Big Show punches the body to get control. “Bench presses don’t fight back!” JBL is awesome. He’s doing a good job of giving Ryback’s psyche. Ryback goes for Big Show’s knee to make the match interesting. Ryback tries to wear out Big Show with a head lock. I guess it’s a little more of a choke. DDT by Ryback only gets two. Ryback slaps on a chin lock. Big Show turns it around with a side suplex. Clotheslines by Big Show. Ryback with a spine buster. Only two. Ryback sets up for the Meat Hook. He gets it after some knees to the gut. Ryback goes for Shell Shock. He nails it. Big Show kicks out. “You stupid giant!” Big Show shoves off a front face lock. He WMDs Ryback for the win. Good showing for Ryback. Randy Orton tries to ambush Big Show but he turns it into a spear. No reason to take the belt off Orton. Zack Ryder is talking to someone I’m supposed to know. Heath Slater introduces them. 3MB are the Rhinestone Cowboys now. They’re keeping their act fresh.

Orton puts ice on his ribs. He complains about not having back up from the Shield. If you didn’t see them around ringside when you jumped in, shouldn’t that have been a clue Randy? I thought the baby faces are supposed to the stupid ones. The Miz & Kofi Kingston are going to job to Antonio Cesaro & Jack Swagger. The Miz gets to take the beat down. Good luck taking the pin Kofi. He does get the hot tag. Cesaro distracts Kofi. Swagger catches him and slams him. Kingston DDTs Swagger. The Miz jumps away from the tag of Kofi. Patriot Lock for the win. Turning heel will do you no good if you don’t freshen up your gimmick.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

enthusiasmI remember seeing a question posed something like “Would you be okay with Daniel Bryan getting screwed if that means he has a match at Wrestlemania with Shawn Michaels?” Well, we’ve come to that moment when good old HBK gave Bryan Sweet Chin Music at Hell In A Cell last night. I knew it was coming with Bryan going over Orton on both Raw & Smackdown as I said in our preview for HIAC. So I wasn’t surprised when I read the result but I was still disappointed. I wanted to see Bryan get that big win that seems to be lacking for everyone recently except CM Punk. I think it’d be awesome if HBK & Bryan had a match at Wrestlemania. But the reason I suspect my gut was disappointed at Bryan’s loss is the fact that every time I say “I’ll put my faith in the WWE” because I can see a great build up, it never materializes. Time to tune into Raw and find out how things shake out. Let’s roll.

I am glad the CM Punk vs Paul Heyman feud is over. It seemed to have run it’s course for the time being. Of course we get a rematch of Punk & Ryback. Glad I didn’t order last night. John Cena is the first one out the chute though. Of course. The question now is whether he becomes more of a main stay on Smackdown. He calls out JBL for some reason. Cena is doing a terrible impression. (Next Day Edit: Of JBL if you didn’t watch.) Well, he said he’s back in Raw. Now Smackdown too. Question answered. He’s still pretty dumb for coming back this soon. Cena drags Randy Orton into the conversation. Damien Sandow comes down with the briefcase. Sandow goes all doctor on Cena. Sandow ends up attacking Cena’s arm with the briefcase. The old ring post gimmick does the trick every time. So does tossing him into the stairs. Sandow calls for the referee. We get a commercial first.

That ensures that Cena wins, right? Sandow works over the arm. Belly to Belly Suplex gets Cena a break. But not much of one. Cena buys himself time again with a back drop. Holy cow, another commercial. Cena is going to win. Sandow is taking over again. Does this make him look better though? He’s beating up a guy who is inured so much so that a doctor is at ring side. Cena is just an idiot for breaking the count. No Mitchell Cool, it isn’t brave. Cena kicks out of the Termanoose. I haven’t spelled that before. Sandow kicks out after a neck breaker. Sandow with a cross face. Cena counters. Ugh. You’re Welcome? That’s the name of the move? I know it’s his catch phrase but it sounds nonlethal as a move. Attitude Adjustment. Mitchell Cool has an orgasm. I’m disgusted. Dean Ambrose is being made to defend his belt against Big E Langston. Seth Rollins wants to rectify their mistake. Believe in the Shield.

The Shield is in the ring. Big E Langston. Wow, that is a serious gash he got himself. Roman Reigns pulls down the ropes. The Shield attacks. Will Punk return the favor? Nope, the Usos do. I can handle more Usos vs Reigns & Rollins. Brad Maddox is back in action. (Next Day Edit: I suppose it should be noted that Maddox turned the match into a six man tag match.) Big Show is know to have a restraining order against him. Jimmy Uso is getting the beat down. Reigns missed clothesline looked awful even if it was on purpose. Jey gets the hot tag. The splash was his undoing again. I enjoyed the ending with the double spear by Reigns finishing it. The athleticism between the teams is good stuff. They seem to have good chemistry too.

Twice the spear for the same price!

Twice the spear for the same price!

Shawn Michaels doesn’t owe anyone an explanation but we’re going to get one anyway. He requests Daniel Bryan‘s presence. After a nice explanation, Michaels asks Bryan to accept his apology. HBK taught him not to trust anyone last night. Bryan still won’t shake after Shawn’s 2nd line of reasoning. HBK recites his accolades and offers the hand shake a third time. He goes for it and puts on the Yes! Lock. Why are refs coming out now but they let Cena got his ass handed to him? I love JBL’s outrage but his line of reasoning makes no sense.

Renee Young talks to Daniel Bryan. The Wyatt Family attacks. Interesting turn of events. Sister Abigail’s Kiss into chain link fence. We’re supposed to believe that hurts. The case into the head sells better. I’ve lost interest in this whole entrance rather quickly. El Torito has gone black tonight. By the way, all Mitchell Cool or Jerry Lawler needs to say back to JBL is that HBK told Bryan not to trust anyone. So why should HBK trust Bryan? 3MB brought a net to the ring even though they have a 3 on 2 advantage. Ha, JBL notes the color change. My woman thinks she could commentate “this shit” since she called the bull color change. Now she’s trying to tell me she knew what I was thinking. Nope, I stole her idea. I’m an unobservant mook. Slater goes to catch EL Torito. He slides under the ring. Fire extinguisher in the eyes leads to another gore. Double Back Drop for the Los Matadores win. They catch Slater. El Torito nails Slater with some sort of cross body block type move.

AJ Lee is in the ring celebrating. Tamina is in tow. Oh, we get another tag team match. (Next Day Note: I was laughing last night as I tried to retroactively do the set up for the match because I had either FFed thru the entrances or just not been paying attention. Not my best work.) The Bellas are taking on the heels. She’s been forced into the match? Please shoot this down JBL. He doesn’t. Cool does shoot down JBL’s argument about Michaels & Bryan. Wrong segment chief. Jerry Lawler finally gets in my line about not trusting anyone. Tamina can’t seem to slam Nikki properly. She finally gives her a Samoan Drop. AJ is tagged in to tap out Nikki to the Black Widow. The break up of the Bellas is in full motion with Brie getting kicked out of the ring.

We get more Hell In a Cell recap. Kane is back on Raw. The Miz comes out as his opponent. Kane makes short work of the Miz. Mitchell Cool even says so. He calls out Stephanie McMahon. Kane tells her she’s ruined lives. He believes it is best for business. Kane tells her the monster is her’s to unleash. Kane gives her his mask and fake hair. Glad he could get rid of that. Another interesting turn of events.

The Prime Time Players are our salesmen this week. I’d prefer to see these guys in the ring. They’re not as good as the Usos or the Shield but I like them. David Otunga read the complaint from the Big Show on WWE.com. He sells the lawsuit as being legitimate and that it could cause the McMahon’s problems. Interesting again. (Next Day Note: Not interesting at all actually. You never get an actual lawsuit in wrestling. This route is just their out this time around. Note as always, sometimes I’m an idiot.) CM Punk comes out before his match with Ryback. He gets to gloat that Paul Heyman is history. Sounds like he’s ready for a shot at Randy Orton from that speech. He just needs to clear Ryback off his platter once and for all.

Sam Waterston

Can we get Sam Waterston to read all legal action going on in the WWE?

Ryback comes out after we find out that it’s a street fight. Punk went for a cross body for some reason. Ryback using power early. Headkick leads to the elbow through a table. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice. Ryback taps. Wow, that was entirely too quick. Lawler points out it had all of the voted on gimmicks. Bray Wyatt shows up again. They do the slow roll up the run way. Harper & Rowan attack. How exactly would Punk leave? Through the crowd I suppose. They have the ramp blocked off. He blows out the lamp and they’re on their way already so that avenue is cut off. Punk head butts Wyatt. Sister Abigail again.

The Real Americans are taking on Goldust & Cody Rhodes. Goldust gets the revival of his career talk. Cody and Antonio Cesaro hook up. Goldust tags in with a bull dog. Cody & Swagger come in quickly. All for a commercial break. Swagger is in control of Cody. I want to gouge my eyes out reading the Tweets they put up on the screen. The Double Stomp continues to impress me. Cesaro with the super upper cut. Goldust saves the match. Cody knees Cesaro for an opening. Swagger & Goldust get tags. Vintage hot tag. Goldust with a spinning cross body. Swagger gets the Patriot Lock. After chaos with all four men, Swagger chop blocks Goldust. Swagger goes for the Patriot Lock again. He gets the tap out. These guys finally get a win to go with all of Zeb Colter’s promo time.

Alberto Del Rio doesn’t care about Damien Sandow. John Cena stole his title. He’s going to make his arm a target. He seems to have lost some gusto.

Fandango actually escorted Summer Rae out to the ring. The Great Khali & Hornswoggle bring out Natalya. I had no idea Summer Rae got the pin on Natalya. Summer is doing more show material than actual wrestling. She’s definitely flexible. Natalya sparked the match for about five seconds. A bunch of rest holds. The more the announcers call for the upset, the less I expect it. Summer Rae bitches at Khali for beating up Fandango. Sharpshooter for the win. What a pathetic win.

HHH presents Randy Orton to us. I can’t wait until Herb Dean turns on someone in a big championship match. (Next Day Note: For those of you that don’t watch the UFC, he’s one of their referees. He’ll never attack someone during a fight.) JBL is very proud of an AWOL Marine who shits in women’s bags. Good for you. Steph gets to be condescending. More respect is needed. Randy Orton isn’t as good as Steph in condescension. Big Show gets Steph, Randy Orton & HHH to run. Randy Orton attacks from behind. He still gets knocked out. HHH pretends to man up. Big Show is sporting a new shirt which is hilarious. He doesn’t work for us but we’re making him new t shirt designs! – Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

1982-Wolverine-Issue 1I was watching Comic Book Men before I started the column. The above comic might be the one that I own with any real value. I can’t really call myself a comic book guy at this point though. I haven’t bought anything in at least a decade. I don’t count buying “The Walking Dead” or Dragonball Z mangas for my good buddy Ken. I do enjoy getting a peak at some cool ass items on this show. I could care less if it’s staged or not. Enough babble. Let’s roll.

Shawn Michaels gets the opening segment. All of the announcers agree that he’ll call it straight down the line. Should I take that as a hint or are the announcers just stating the obvious. HBShizzle doesn’t get much mic time before Randy Orton shows his ugly mug. Orton goes for the “I’m better than you ever were” agitation. It fails. Orton goes on a tirade then. Shawn threatens Sweet Chin Music. Orton attacks him from behind. They both almost hit their finishers. The Miz attacks Orton. We get a commercial. The Miz should have left his mom at home according to JBL. Ha. When they do a close up on Orton’s arms, it really shows how bad those original tattoos were. They stick out even though he got well done ones on the rest of his arm to try and hide them. I do forget about the difference more when the shot is out further. After some offense by Orton, Miz gets back on a roll. The Miz starts to put on the figure four when the lights go out. The Wyatt Family is on the stage. Orton RKOs the Miz. I’m glad King agreed with JBL about the Miz taking his eye off the prize. Bray Wyatt says he hates fame. Wyatt threatens to put him down.

I just thought about this with Fandango‘s entrance, we didn’t even get Fandango at last week’s Smackdown. We got seriously hosed. Santino Marella is his opponent. Fandango got the early jump. Santino did a modified Stunner to start his come back. Summer Rae “distracts” Santino when he simply stops from nailing her with the Cobra. Fandango rolls him up for the win.

Paul Heyman has Brad Maddox‘s ear. Heyman claims Maddox was made the fool by CM Punk. Maddox doesn’t cave to him. Maddox has a beat the clock challenge for Punk & Ryback to determine their stipulation at HIAC. Xavier Woods from NXT started a petition for Big Show to be re-instated. JBL is angry about it. I just smell another call up. John Cena gets his Superman video package. El Torito comes out with Los Matadores. Ole! into commercial break.

Heath Slater & Drew McIntyre are their opponents. Jinder Mahal is at ringside for 3MB. Diego starts against McIntyre. They are on the El Torito band wagon. Double Samoan Drop for the win. Wow, Jeremy nailed it so far with the “boring show” label. Good gravy. It’s not terrible but it’s just there. (Next Day Edit: After looking for places for more comments, I can’t find one. The show was just there. Still. Predictable and executed well. This note should be at the end of the column but fits better here.)

HHH & Big Steph get to the top of the hour. Big Steph does the caring wife angle. HHH is going to be a villain since everyone is painting them that way. Daniel Bryan comes out. Before anything is said, Alberto Del Rio attacks. Del Rio kicks him in the head. Steph makes a match between the two tonight.

R Truth is a smart baby face and goes to the outside instead of letting Ryback attack him. The plan falls apart when Truth halts for Heyman. Ryback gets the offense going but tries for a pin after every move. Completely bizarre to see Ryback rolling up Truth. That shouldn’t be in his power move set. Truth gets in some offense at the 4:30 mark. Shell Shock at 5:44. It wasn’t much offense.

Big Steph is angry at Brie Bella. Nikki has to stay in the back during the match. It is spiteful for Steph to assign a match between Brie & Tamina “I Never Win Despite My Size and Name” Snuka. I’m siding with JBL but not for his reason. Tons of Funk get a full entrance. Commercial. The Real Americans and Zeb Colter are mad at Los Matadores. It was only a matter of time until they jobbed to the new guys. Swagger Bomb is followed by Cesaro vaulting Swagger for the double stomp. That is an impressive move by the big man. Xavier Woods gets more air time. Brodus gets the hot tag. Clay with a PerfectPlex. I’m so lost on big man moves tonight. Cesaro turns it with an European Upper Cut. Cesaro with the Neutralizer for the win. Cesaro with the Big Swing on Tensai after the match.

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