Kevin’s Blog: A Day Late & A Dollar Short Review of Impact Wrestling

Guess who got the left over Coors Light from the bachelor party? This guy.

 I’m not really excited that Coors Light is my choice of beers but they were sort of free from last weekend’s bachelor party at Put In Bay. Eric wanted me to write some small stories but everyone esle on the site is better at those things than me. I’m going to mock TV shows. It’s after Smackdown (10:30 PM) but I think I’m going for the double dip tonight. Impact Wrestling Blog then a Smackdwon blog as a separate post. It should be interesting taking down “4” hours of wrestling. I should finish in no more than 3. Let’s do this.

We start with a review of the pay per view. They show the TNA Heavyweight Championship material last even though it wasn’t that way on the PPV. To aid in watching, I’m not watching ring entrances. Gunner “breaks up” (Anderson was done talking for a decent length of time) Anderson’s rant according the announcers. Gunner is not good on the stick. Gunner falls for the beer trick. Anderson is dumb enough to turn his back on him. We get the hype for the rest of the show. What a lame opening segment.

Hernandez takes on Devon. Pope distracts Devon.  When is Devon going to realize that his family is costing him his career? Pope clears the ring. Why would Devon’s kids even like Pope? Haven’t they been watching Impact Wrestling?  Bischoff makes use of the too many twists and turns with Anderson.

Angle goes thru his history winning the Gold Medal. Angle announces that he is trying out for the Olympic team. I had read the spoilers so no suprise. Jarrett interrupts unlike Gunner. We could only hope Jarrett left if he loses against Angle. Kurt talking sense to Jarrett about honor. Glad I didn’t order the PPV since I’m getting the match for free.

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Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/14/11

1. Cheese – Some people just can’t get enough of it. Some of those people should try to get less of it. – Eric

2. MVP –  He’s been all over the wrestling media in the past week, promoting New Japan’s first big visit to the U.S. In the process, he’s been very well spoken about what he liked and grew to dislike about WWE’s evolving style to more kid-friendly, PG “entertainment.” Search it all out, it’s all totally worth the read. – Eric

3. Maryse –  Hotsy totsy, did you see that picture Jeremy and Kevin posted for Stunt Granny Audio #142? If that doesn’t make you harder than a left turn in front of the mall, you have no soul. – Eric

4. Chris Harris, Mick Foley & Chyna – These three were supposed to be surprises this week on iMPACT! Since I don’t read spoilers, I was surprised by Harris’ appearance especially since it was his bloated brother that got the gig. I was surprised by Mick Foley because I assumed it would be Dixie Carter. Finally, I knew it was Chyna but was surprised that she looked somewhat with it. What doesn’t surprise me is the fact that I am completely underwhelmed with this treasure trove of surprises. – Kevin

5. Jason Bane – I know my viewing habits are a little behind for Pro Wrestling Ohio so this item could have been posted a couple of weeks ago. After going long spans for PWO Title reigns, Agent Aaron Maguire’s latest client “The Megastar” Marion Fontaine dropped the strap to “The Most Dominant Man in PWO.” It is the second time within the past couple of months that the title changed. I’ll hope that it stays around his waist until Wrestlelution. Congratulations to Jason Bane though. – Kevin

6. TNA Sacrifice – Samoa Joe is feuding with Crimson but isn’t on the PPV. AJ Styles is feuding with Bully Ray but isn’t on the PPV. Mr. Kennedy is feuding with, well, everyone, but isn’t on the PPV. Chris Harris is sad looking and out of shape and he has no feud but he is on the PPV. A guy named Max Buck is on the PPV but not having anal sex with another man. Chyna is on the PPV although she has been out of wrestling and forgotten for a long while. Order estimation- 14,000 or so. – Jeremy

7. Smackdown – Christian and Randy Orton proved to be ratings flops. As the flag carriers for the Friday night broadcast this should be troubling but then it isn’t Monday Night Raw so who cares. – Jeremy

8. Bill DeMott – Since I’m trying to push our Twitter account, I’ll pimp the Tough Enough trainer @BillDeMott since @StuntGranny follows him. My favorite tweet for this week “I have decided how I will answer all those with #Negative comments………theres your answer.enjoy the day-BD”. – Kevin

9. Living in the past – 2011 – 1997 = 14:

Hulk Hogan vs. Sting is the current plan for the Bound for Glory main event, although not etched in stone. When asked, Hogan said right now he’s 50% about doing another match, according to an interview on the “Monday Night Mayhem” radio show. “If you would have asked me two months ago, I would have said no way. If I could get six and a half months (since the most recent fusion surgery) under my belt, I’d pretty much know the answer to that. If I did land wrong or something, just don’t know if all this hardware and stuff would hold together.” Watching Hogan walking on Impact this past week, the idea of doing a match, unless it’s a tag and he’s in for one spot and never does anything that requires movement or falling, looks like a very bad idea. The guy can barely walk. Considering how badly hurt he gets every time he wrestles, this seems really sad to even consider it. Maybe for a million dollar payday you can justify the risk, but him wrestling at this stage won’t move the needle at all unless he says it’s his retirement match (wouldn’t work in storyline since he’s the heel) and goes on all the talk shows to promote it, and even then, with wrestlers and retirements, that may end up meaning nothing for business at this stage.
14 goddamn years ago. – Dusty

10. Elijah Burke – Blew this popstand:

According to TheElijahExpress.com, D’Angelo Dinero, also known as Elijah Burke, has graduated with a degree of high honors in Criminal Justice. This could have been what he was alluding to on May 13th with various tweets, including one Thursday night that read: “My time has come, It’s time to move on. I’ve served well. Hope none has been disappointed; hope my hard work has been Applauded&Appreciated
It has from here. – Dusty

11. Brother Love’s floating head – I just, there are no words:

Dusty

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of TNA iMPACT!

Mickie can play my banjo anytime.

Go to the post below this one and click on the Audio for this week. That was one reason I didn’t want to do this blog. Here’s my compromise. (Next day – Whoops, I hit Save Draft instead of Publish last night.)

I wasn’t going to do this but the Mickie James performance forced me onto my computer. I had read the spoilers that she didn’t play with her band and they used back ups. What a terrible decision. Wait for the next taping, it looked horrendous. You could tell the band was faking it. Awfulness. I understand you wanted to further the James against Tara storyline, but do anything else if her band isn’t there. It was so bush league.

Morgan gives the pep talk to referee. I think the WWE goes in the opposite direction by ignoring the refs too much. TNA uses them way too much.

Ric Flair is pissed at being held hostage earlier in the night (I don’t think I’m going to go back to review it. Deal with it bitches.) Doug Williams gets his time in the sun. I do like that TNA has paired down Immortal and Fortune. Williams is still weird as a face though. Nice little live promo before he goes to the ring.  Kazarian shortened his name, Williams made it longer. Not sure why I thought of that. Solid match so far between the two which doesn’t surprise me.  Kazarian is getting his chance on offense. Williams rolling chaos theory suplex is awesome. Kazarian is a bitch. Mickie is looking for Tara. I wish Mickie’s ward robe malfunction showed off more earlier in the show. They fought after Mickie’s performance.

Fortune attacks Williams and Morgan. Agents break it up. They run through the Final Resolution card. Devon interrupts the preview. I’m writing these sentences together because TNA changes too often so my writing is reflecting their scatter brained, flashy stuff (at least they think so) programming they provide. How about they not have a feud? It’s going to happen but I’ll still complain. Devon is doing a solid promo. Bubba stirred up the pot. The crowd is actually choosing sides which is a surprise. See TNA, good guy versus bad guy works. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel. Or making all of your characters “gray”.  Bubba, you’re both Marty Jannetty. Bubba the cowardly heel bails.

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Stunt Granny Audio #105: Rob Van Sandman Edition

Jeff Hardy

"Whew... huh... huh... got winded... listening to that audio, guys!"

Eric and Kevin join forces to discuss TNA Victory Road and the Russoesque booking that followed two surprisingly decent editions of iMPACT! How overbooked were the finishes to pretty much, well, every match? Ask Dixie. Oh wait, she has her head too far up her own ass to tell. The guys switch to discussing the Hardees and each of their recent weight gain, as well as Matt’s latest YouTube video. He’s a real viral sensation, kinda like HIV. The boys recap the big happenings on Raw, including the human Scrabble game, Nexus, and its beatdown of all things babyface, such as John “My Mom Got Me a Subscription to National Geographic for my Birthday” Morrison. Oh, and a special guest calls into the show! We won’t tell you who or when; you’ll have to click to listen! (82 minutes)

Stunt Granny Audio #105

Genesis Preview (Text Edition)

Michelangelo was a hell of a painter.

I was ready to bash TNA for their shoddy build up for this pay per view in the audio context but I found an unwilling crew in the rest of my comrades. I can’t say I blame them. After watching the last half of iMPACT!, I’ve at least partially changed my mind. I still think they could have used a show last Thursday to capitalize on Hulk Hogan and everyone else showing up. TNA could have also pimped the regular time slot for iMPACT! along with building the storylines to the pay per view better. From what I saw though, they did a good job of setting up the matches and focusing on them with just this one show. On to the preview even if I’m not sure Dusty’s neighbor will get it tonight.

The Pope D’Angelo Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe – I can’t believe they are having this match. First, they make Wolfe lose three straight major matches after his debut in TNA finishing with his loss to the Pope on the Monday iMPACT! so to make up for that gaffe they had Wolfe beat Samoa Joe this week. Way to fuck up three of your future stars all at one time guys. It should be an entertaining match and no matter who wins, someone is getting kicked down the ladder too soon in their push. Winner – Desmond Wolfe.

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