The @WWE Slammy Awards Are During #Raw Part III

I'm Tired of Writing Previews. Are you tired of reading them?

I’m Tired of Writing Previews. Are you tired of reading them?

Tag Team of the Year – Which Duo Did The Best? – The Shield (Rollins & Reigns), Prime Time Players, The Usos, Cody Rhodes & Goldust and The Real Americans – I’ve covered the Real Americans enough already. They’re not winning. The Prime Time Players may have a gay gentleman in Darren Young and a clear WWE favorite in Titus O’Neil but that has gotten them nowhere aside from having a good dance. The Usos are a notch above PTP but not by much. By hanging in the title picture, I give them a spot ahead but they’re not winning either. The Shield had the titles for longer this year but with the fans voting, I’ve got to go with Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Cody is finally saddled without a gimmick that limits him but unfortunately the tag straps limit your mic time. Goldust has been a fantastic comeback story so he might win two categories because of one reason.

“You Still Got It!” Best Superstar Return Award – Which Returning Competitor Made The Best Comeback in 2013? – Rob Van Dam, Goldust, The Bella Twins, Bruno Sammartino and Chris Jericho – Considering that the WWE doesn’t think we’ve got memories due to their story line plot holes that are larger than pot holes in Ohio this time of the year, we should probably count out Chris Jericho. He has been gone for several months and even though HHH mentioned him, he won’t win the vote. My woman will continue to have to dream about Jerry’s next appearance. Rob Van Dam falls under the same category. He would have been the vote hands down but staying off TV will not help fans thumbs to click RVD in the voting polls. Bruno Sammartino should win this one but he’s in a similar category to Jericho & RVD in that he hasn’t been on TV recently. His reasons for coming back may be wrong headed but he is one of the greatest ever. Giving him a worthless award is the least you could do for the man. The Bella Twins shouldn’t count. Ahh crap, they had been gone for a while, hadn’t they? Well, whatever. They might deserve it for making the women’s division somewhat relevant because of Total Divas but as the show points out, Nikki has been out the majority of the time since their return. Maybe if Brie Bella had been listed by herself, I’d be more interested in voting for them. Goldust is going to win because he’s got gold and a whole lot of momentum behind him.

Best Dance Moves – Who Boogied the Best in 2013? – Fandango, Summer Rae, R-Truth, The Funkadactyls, The Great Khali and the “Miz-co” Inferno – It’s probably not a good thing for the “Miz-co” Inferno that I don’t remember his dance moves because everyone else is less likely to remember. The Great Khali is a dance machine that we haven’t seen since Young Frankenstein. R Truth could win if his name was Xavier Woods and he’s in a storyline trying to steal the Funkadactyls. Why are they listed as a duo while Fandango & Summer Rae being split into separate choices? The dances that Fandango & Summer attempt on a weekly basis are partnered dances. I’d love to see Summer Rae dance her ways into my bedroom but that isn’t the vote. The Funkadactyls will win due to their exposure on Total Divas even though that’s meant less dancing for them since Brodus Clay & Tensai were excavated after several months of extinction for the Xavier Woods feud.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

GG-Park-Disc-GolfI didn’t travel to San Francisco to play frisbee golf but that was the hardest thing I did all weekend. The lady & I went on both Saturday and Sunday to separate courses in town. Hopefully I’ll toss a few more rounds this coming weekend. I guess sitting in a theater for Man of Steel strained me about as much. I had no idea Superman’s dad was supposed to sort of a bad ass. I’ve never been able to get behind that particular comic. Having only a weird substance that isn’t found on Earth (I’m guessing) as a weakness always seemed silly to me. Any who. Let’s roll.

The Shield is individually introduced so that HHH can come to the ring. The crowd is still very pro HHH. I’m not surprised this isn’t working. As I type that, the crowd starts to boo after he gets on the stick. We get to see the end of Summerslam on free TV a week later. HHH offers to be the bigger man with Daniel Bryan and tells him they can get into a business relation. HHH makes me go find the ratings from last week because I don’t normally care. Holy crap, if way up means the 3.24 rating then our hits our way up for the site. HHH is giving Randy Orton a hideous & large SUV. Randy Orton barely talks for the second week in a row when Daniel Bryan interrupts. I’m still amazed at how he’s picked up the promos. I’ll mention again that I didn’t see him much in ROH. But he wasn’t that great on NXT. HHH gets to go back to sucking after doing really well last week. Randy Orton is an A player who evidently is so much of an A, he can’t cut his own promos. Oh boy, I wonder if he’s going to beat Rollins & Ambrose then he either valiantly loses to Reigns or they gang up on him and he wins the battle but loses the war. JBL towing the company line with no looks of disgust or barbs from Jerry Lawler or Mitchell Cool is pathetic.

Cody Rhodes comes out to wrestle Summer Rae & Fandango. Damien Sandow is on the headset. Fandango’s music hits and the Miz comes out dancing with, where have you been Rosa Mendes? Brad Maddox gives us a tag match. He kills me when he tells us how obvious the teams are. They get a commercial break. I hope they team Rosa with the Miz for my eyeballs. Fandango sells out his partner. Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Fandango has mic in hand at the top of the ramp. Lawler calls Cody’s trip a good idea. JBL doesn’t call him out. I hope mediocrity isn’t rubbing off on him.

Christian is backstage with Josh Matthews. He tries to talk his way around insulting the McMahons. Randy Orton interrupts so he can still flex his mic skills. Christian is ready for a fight. Standard. Paul Heyman and Curtis Axel are excited about the fan vote after being bummed about it. Okay.

The match up is after the break. Of course “In Ring” is the option. Punk still has the crowd behind him quite well, thank you very much. Punk is a dumb baby face for going after Heyman early. Punk in control for another break. Axel got some offense in but it’s mostly been an extended squash match. GTS for a win after another short spurt of Axel offense. Paul balks at coming to the ring. Someone interferes, right? Heyman runs backstage. Security brings him out. Axel with a low blow. Punk gets handcuffed behind his back. Punk gets in some kicks but takes a beating with weapons. I’m loving these segments. Heyman is gold right now.

JoJo gets to be guest ring announcer. Natalya is out of the chute with the Funkadactyls. Brie Bella is escorted by Nikki & Eva Marie. Brie has an interesting outfit on. Not sure I dig the Taylor Swift like high tights. Brie with a Facebuster for a win. AJ Lee makes an appearance. She runs down Total Divas. This makes her awesome so the crowd cheers. The Bellas tell her to say it to our face. Um, she’s on the ramp, you can go to her. Why is she cutting a baby face promo? Great stuff out of AJ.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

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The Penguins are playing like dog poop. With that out of the way, I’m going to buzz thru this program with extreme prejudice. Let’s roll.

Stephanie McMahon made an executive decision to suspend HHH from wrestling. She’s right. He should rest for more than a week after a concussion. Vince McMahon struts out. I missed the medically clear part. It also hurts my argument about ROH being the worst. HHH coming back Superman style is making it look silly. They are doing a good job of heeling it up. The Shield comes out. They hit commercial.

Hey, what the fuck? The announcers were selling this like the McMahons were in trouble. I call bull honkey on that. Daniel Bryan, Kane and Randy Orton are taking them on. Nice of Lawler to sneak in a Hartford Whalers line. Nothing happens before the commercial. The crowd comes unglued for the double hanging DDT by Orton. Rollins turns it around. Reigns right hand to Orton’s gut was really odd but the announcers smoothed it over by praising it. Orton’s drop kick to Rollins looked equally awkward. The crowd is eating up the Bryan hot tag too. Bryan puts Ambrose in the No Lock but Rollins & Reigns interfere. Orton collides with Bryan. Ambrose nails his face plant DDT for the win.

Daniel Bryan is pissed Randy Orton. He apologizes but Bryan can’t accept it. Bryan goes with the weak link talk again. He wants respect. I’m good with them breaking apart Kane & Bryan. HHH wants to wrestle tonight. Stephanie McMahon plays the sympathy card. Vince tries to talk him out of it.

The Usos have embraced the full Samoan wrestling stereo type by adding face paint on top of the haka dance. They are wrestling the Prime Time Players. Mitchell Cool is forced to say how traditional the face paint is. I’m surprised this match is on a go home episode. Super Fly Splash for the Uso win. Good for the Usos who did get a good reaction here in Cbus.

Big E Langston is taking on Alberto Del Rio again. The announcers try to sell us on a best of three series. No such thing has been mentioned in previous matches. Hold on, did they really say 2-2 in matches? Jimminy cricket that’s too many matches. JBL pulling out a Chris Adams reference. Nice. Cross arm break by Del Rio. Langston lifts him over the ropes to get the break. Del Rio locks it back in. Del Rio rolls him into a scissors pin for the win. That was kind of cool.

Damien Sandow doesn’t talk coming to the ring so that saves me time. Sheamus is taking on his partner Cody Rhodes. Sandow is on the head set. Cody is getting in some offense but the crowd says it all right now. They know Sheamus is going to win. Brogue Kick. And we get to look forward to an intellectual challenge on Friday. Sheamus slaps Sandow upside the head after he didn’t shake hands.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

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I’m trying to do too much these days. I’m thinking this review will be more half assed than normal. Time to speed thru this puppy.

Randy Orton is fighting Antonio Cesaro. I’m thinking Orton is the new main event guy who puts new talent over. CM Punk comes out irate as he should be. He’s ready to do some party crashing. I remember the days. I have no idea why Vince McMahon can fire Paul Heyman. I’m glad the Miz is the hook for the match. Ugh. Of course even after the commercial break, nothing happens before the commercial break that follows the “beginning” of the match. It wasn’t worth starting a new paragraph.

I’m not even paying attention to the match. Uh oh, ref touching. The Miz allows Orton to hit the RKO. They’re staying the predictable course. The Miz gets to rub it in. I’m “loving” that Mitchell Cool is still on the Miz band wagon. Ryback needs to make us laugh. Stupid.

Even better, Matt Striker is hosting. The Prime Time Players get to be in this show down. Ryback’s joke is appropriate. I still don’t like his finisher. People are loving him though. Matt Striker deserved it. JBL is awesome for laughing at him. That woman in the front row, corner of the entrance is something else.

Wade Barrett gets to choose his opponent. Boy, I wonder why Bo Dallas eliminated him last night? Bo Dallas wins. I’m surprised. That seems pretty weak man. I’m all for the surprise win but it needs to look more flukey than that. John Cena is Cody Rhodes next match.

Cena is on Fruity Pebbles. Thank you Rock. Lawler is still talking about Goldust from last night. Cody Rhodes is leaving. The match was the right length. Cena with an AA. He gets to gab after the match. Cena tries to play the underdog card. He’s coming with an answer though. Of course he’s choosing the Rock or CM Punk. The Shield shows up. JBL calling the stupid card as he should be. Sheamus finally gets off his lazy ass. Ryback makes the real save. Are they actually putting over the Shield? The good guys still look like a bunch of idiots.

Tensai vs Brodus Clay in a lingerie pillow fight match. Thank goodness they begged off. I won’t be watching the Dance Off.

Oh jimminy cricket, Tensai still wore the lingerie. Poor Tensai. I’m laughing at him though. I’d love to see Brodus do a split. My girl likes his top. Clay teaches him to dance. I need more alcohol. Ron Simmons is still awesome. I’m guessing without watching that Alberto Del Rio is in a body slam match with the Big Show.

This is predictable shit. Wow, Big Show freaking out is not predictable. Maybe it shouldn’t be. They’re trying to make Del Rio more of a babyface. Ricardo’s tattoos are all terrible. He needs to get that shit covered up. The crowd isn’t buying it either. I’m enjoying Big Show toying with him.

Kaitlyn is moved into a match with Tamina. This is stupid. Oh, it’s lumber jills with show girl outfits. I like Kaitlyn’s outfit better. Her fashion has been questionable. Cat fight. Woof. Kaitlyn and Tamina stare at each other, kind of. Woof.

The Rock gets his time. Last segment before I deliver the girl back to her abode. Car repairs are a bitch. Thank you CM Punk. The manhood question is always available. I love Punk granting Rock a rematch. Rock’s got no answer on the mic really. The crowd is crushing him though.

Sheamus and Damien Sandow are in some type of a match. I heard it before I left. I don’t care. Ahh, tables match. Thanks for solving that one quickly. I’m glad Sandow is getting in more offense than Rhodes. I like the White Noise thru the table for the win. Figured it’d be a Brogue Kick.

I’m going to FF thru the Great Khali doing karaoke. 3MB makes it interesting. I’m glad Mitchell Cool is apologizing to the WWE Universe as he should be. I feel bad for Zack Ryder. Not sure I can type that enough times. He comes up with a fun character and he gets shit on. He doesn’t even get Heath Slater level TV exposure.

Raw is still Chris Jericho. Dolph Ziggler gets to respond to Jericho who paraded thru his baby face catch phrases. Dog peeing joke. Where’s Steph when you need to poop it up? Vickie Guerrero is back to being a baby face since Dolph is involved. They get to team together against Team Hell No. Kane & Daniel Bryan make it down before a commercial. Kane choke slams Ziggler after a cheap Jericho trick. At least it wasn’t as tedious as most of them. Trish Stratus is a deserving Hall of Fame member. I remember thinking she wasn’t going to be more than arm candy. She showed me way wrong. Hey  Miz, look at her ascent and get out of your rut.

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Paul Heyman gets to answer to Vince McMahon for the main event. I’m not going to like this. The camera man is a snitch. The godfather moment is kind of funny. Brock Lesnar wakes me up from my coma. OK, good reason for this to be in the main event. I love him just pointing at Heyman. F5. HHH vs Brock is confirmed on TV. -Kevin

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