Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Oblivion (2013)

WEK_Oblivion_0419Normally these reviews avoid spoilers but in talking about everything wrong with “Oblivion” it is near impossible. What an absolute let down.  The movie trailer was pretty much perfect. It didn’t give much away. It featured a lot of Tom Cruise and had plenty of mystery. Then you watching this garbage movie and realize the trailer was just as disjointed and confusing as this movie.  So aliens come to Earth and battle people and start mining the planet for power or something. It is incredibly obvious from the first scene that the humans did not win the war and the aliens are manipulating Tom Cruise and his companion. The timeline does not lend itself to the technological advances and as soon as you see the computer commander, you realize she is the bad guy.  But that isn’t enough. Tom Cruise has dreams of a different life even though his memories had been erased. They are of a strange woman and he proposes to her in a romantic fashion. So you get this added relationship and romantic entanglements that are totally unnecessary. Why are his memories erased? Who knows? As it turns out Tommy is actually a clone and everything he knows is not as he was told or something.  Wait, yes I did say he was a clone. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. The movie makes no sense and has zero drama. Morgan Freeman is there because he is Morgan Freeman and apparently Ernie Hudson’s voice wasn’t smooth enough.  What an absolute waste of two hours.  -Jeremy

Jeremy’s Monthly Movies for April 2013

Film-Reels-1986

Have you ever wanted some expert guidance on just what you should spend your hard earned cash on at the movies? Do you have no trust for legitimate print or internet critics? Well then why not take the word of some schlep that has seen too many movies in his brief life? With so many movies released each week it can become rather daunting to keep track of them all. So, in the interest of simplifying your life I am here to help you decide what you should see at the movies with a quick week by week pick em. We are starting with March even though there are only a few weeks left. The idea may not be up to date but the opinions will be. So get to watching and reading. You have any qualms or suggestions for movies I missed then by all means let me know. Leave a comment or hit me up @grannymaes on Twitter.

Evil Dead – April 5, 2013

Look if you haven’t seen the first red band trailer for the new “Evil Dead” you need to watch it right now. Yes it is near blasphemy to remake “Evil Dead” but this looks to be an entirely new spin on it. Gone are the quirks and cuteness of the original. In its place is nonstop gore and suspense. This looks like a very uncomfortable movie to watch and not for the gore aspect. Sure it is unsettling but after a while you eventually find yourself unfazed. What this looks to rely on is actual suspense. We all know the story so there shouldn’t be too many surprises outside of Ash not being the lead. Yeah calm down it is perfectly ok since no one could ever replace Bruce Campbell. As a rule I never attend horror movies in a theatre. One reason is that I am a giant pussy and want to cover my eyes in the privacy of my own home. The other reason is that most horror movies are garbage and not with the inflated price to actually go to the theatre. This one may be wearing me down though but I will still be a giant pussy watching.
It’s a Disaster- April 12, 2013

David Cross and Julia Styles? Um, yes please. Now there is no chance I will see this around here since Greenville is the culture black hole of the south. So, look out for one of my One Paragraph movie Reviews later this year. Anyway I really like the premise. Instead of everyone freaking out they calmly drink themselves silly and party. Well, until it all falls apart inevitably and they ruin it with morality or something stupid to give us a lesson. Was that Ugly Betty banging on a pot and drink straight from a liquor bottle? Damn.
Oblivion- April 19, 2013

Look, Tom Crusie is an absolute animal. The guy is in his fifties and he makes action movies look like a piece of pie. Regardless of his personal life the man just knows what it takes to make a good movie. Sure he has some clunkers along the way but then what successful actor doesn’t? “Oblivion” reminds me of a cross of “Planet of The Apes” and “Wall-E”. Monuments are destroyed and the world is in tatters so all the humans up and left. Cruise is left behind to tend the planet and fix drones for some reason. Yeah, the premise seems a tad shoddy and if you haven’t yet it may be better served to stay away from the later trailers as, par the course now, it gives away too much. Out of all of the flicks releasing in April this one stands on top. Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman and a load of sci-fi visuals? Yup, sign me up.

Lords of Salem- April 19, 2013

I have loved the look of every Rob Zombie movie he has directed/produced. He has a good eye for keeping even inaction interesting which is not easy to accomplish. The problem with all Rob Zombie movies is that he sacrifices story, character and pacing for gore and shock.  He hasn’t found the right mixture of both to make a solid film. Generally his movies turn in to non-stop swearing and blood when there is no reason for it. This being said, I am not sure what to make of “Lords of Salem.” It has the same visual flair of his previous movies and he has teamed with some successful producers so anticipation is a tad high that he finally found his balance. As the trailer goes on though there are definitely places where you can see that the wheels may fall off in “Insidious” fashion.  So consider this guarded excitement for this flick. The fact it comes out after “Evil Dead” may hurt its business but then a movie making money and being crap is kind of what happens in the States anyway.
Pain & Gain- April 26, 2013

Speakign of crap that still makes money it is time for another Michael bay fiesta. Look we all know Michael Bay movies are style over substance and “Pain and Gain” looks to be no different.  The only reason this gets a mention is in keeping with the theme of new Dwayne  The Rock” Johnson movies that are releasing this year. So you could say I am anticipating this film but it would be for all the wrong reasons. Judging by the trailer, and really if you haven’t figured it out by now this is what all of these are based off of, we are going to be force fed more unnecessary slow motion shots and sprawling crane shots for no reason. If this movie doesn’t include at least one guy jumping off of a roof top in to a pool or a truck then it is an abject failure. On a positive note everyone looks to be in very good shape.

Hulk Hogan = Guy Fieri?

Modern-Buckhead

According to Prowrestling.net (by way of Tampabay.com which has way more information) Hulk Hogan opened up a restaurant on New Year’s Eve in the city of Tampa. Hogan’s Beach started with a masquerade party since Hogan was clearly inspired by Eyes Wide Shut with his the outing of his sex tape. Considering that this complex is 20,000 square foot, he’ll have plenty of spaces to record his sexual exploits without someone squeezing him for money. This place is should be just as classy as the one Tom Cruise attended because there will be a mechanical shark you can ride and a white sand beach. I’m sure Hulk will oil down Brooke’s ass on the beach again but this time while Bully Ray looks on in approval. Hogan has 360 seats in this restaurant. Each of the seats is covered in leather tanned just to the right shade of Hogan’s skin so that it can be properly branded. He has already pitched a reality show based on his restaurant to CMT. I’m sure that’ll be a great way to keep your bare ass off of TV while you’re pounded the hot waitress that looks like a man just like your ex-wife and current wife. -Kevin

Iron Sheik sounds off on Olympics, Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, Jose Canseco, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise…

“Hey, fackan Lepak! You wanna challenge de real legen Arn Sheik for MY belt? FACK you, jabroni!”

Wow. I mean

Come up with a signature move and name Jordan Burroughs could use in London?
“The Jordan.” Not like the Michael Jordan but he still the Real American. He can break the pinkie finger like Sheikie. He break people back with his pinkie. Because he a big strong [expletive] for America. I be happy. His name could be “the Real” and his finisher be “the Humble.” Give me a hell yeah!

How do you feel about the “Flying Squirrel” nickname Ellis Coleman gave himself? 
Flying squirrel remind me of Ultimate Warrior because he a little rat when he jump in ring like that idiot Jose Canseco or Mel Gibson. I would never respect the squirrel because the squirrel have no [expletive].

Wow, aggressive. Could the Iron Sheik beat any of the current wrestlers on Team USA? 
In my day I beat living [expletive] out of all Olympian who challenge the legend. I put them in a camel clutch, break they back [two or three expletives], and make them humble. But now I am not in same shape as before so I don’t [expletive] with them.

How would the Olympics benefit from adding ropes around the mat?
The rope protect you and you cannot run away like little [expletive] in ring like Jose Canseco.

How would Hulk Hogan do against the current Olympic team?
Hulk Hogan don’t last long like because [a few expletives] he not a real man like the Sheiky baby. He get beat bad like [wow… not printing that] and never make it to Olympics. Only for the Olympics for being [or that]. [editors note: He definitely hates Hogan.]

Are you ready for a comeback?
I know if I training I can beat the [expletive] out of anybody who [expletive] with me. I am the real legend not like the jabroni the Tom Cruise.

How do you feel about the American wrestling team this year?
They all workers but need to pay their due to be legend like Iron Sheik. Buy my [expletive] shirt!! USA #1!

God, that’s fucking great. I feel like I just took a bath in holy water. Thanks to Prowrestling.net for the heads-up about this thing of beauty. Now by my fackan shirt! -Eric

John Cena Is Divorced

According to TMZ by way of Prowrestling.net, John Cena has been freed from his snatch overlord Elizabeth Huberdeau. She claimed back in May that she blindsided by the divorce papers served to her. Maybe if you would have tongued his ass hole like every divorcee that takes five year old Timmy to see the live WWE, John would still be with you. Huberdeau’s attorney Raymond Rafool said

All matters [in the divorce] have been settled and resolved amicably

Which of course means that they realized the prenuptial agreement was iron clad like the chastity belt that John still wasn’t allowed to unlock after three years of marriage and many years of dating. Since Huberdeau thought Cena was cheating on her before the divorce, I wish John good luck in trying to catch up to CM Punk in the banging out hot broads department. -Kevin

On a side note, is this fucker a Scientologist? Holy shit Tom Cruise has competition for quickie divorces. Of course John Cena doesn’t have psychic abilities nor shoots lasers from his dong. Allegedly. -Jeremy

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

It's been a parade of men in trunks as the WWE shows off it's roster for the 40 man Royal Rumble.

Jeremy IMed me last week and said that he was getting the Royal Rumble. For some reason, it hadn’t dawned on me that I could actually buy a pay per view instead of watching it at Dusty’s neighbor. I have decided to join him in purchasing the pay per view so I’m going to type and talk my mind this week. That means I get the week started with a blog and a Leinenkugel Creamy Dark.

The GM screws Edge one last time. At least they’re keeping an ongoing storyline for a change. Someone has a shot at #40. Tyson Kidd is dispatched first. Wow, has Jack Swagger fallen and not just for this challenge. McIntyre is another guy in a downward spiral. “Who wants to see a smashed lap top computer?” Can’t say I ever imagined those words would be uttered on Raw. Even worse that the crowd popped for it. CM Punk and crew come out. Are they trying to show off all 40 competitors tonight? Mason Ryan officially gets a name. CM Punk cuts an OK promo. Barrett gets a crack on the mic. Edge is such a pussy for leaving when Nexus showed up. Nice big man show down. Mystery GM chimes in to make a Barrett vs. Punk match. The loser has their crew yanked from the Rumble. I’m going to have to count the roster size. They are going to exclude some good wrestlers and add jobbers which is royally dumb.

Morrison & Henry take on Sheamus (another guy who’s been in a funk for longer than I expected) & Del Rio. I smell Henry taking a pin. They take a match break at a predictable time.

Mark Henry takes on Sheamus, who looks like a pansy until the Rogue Kick. Del Rio gets the arm bar on Henry. Looks like I was a little off since Henry tapped out. Two heels should not be celebrating and smiling at each other. On should have turned on the other and tossed him out of the ring to prove they’d win on Sunday. Faces played patty cake like that.

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