#ROH Is The Worst Part X

Surprise+Surprise+with+Holly+Willoughby

Holly Willoughby from Surprise, Surprise.

Well I’ll be damned. Ring Of Honor put on a good show. Caprice Coleman & Cedric Alexander took on a debuting Alex Reynolds & John Silver. Most teams in their first match aren’t good but they performed admirably. The next match on the docket delivered too, Veda Scott taking on Ms. Chif. Even though Ms. Chif ended up winning the match, Veda Scott showed much improvement from when I saw her at Wrestlelution. She only had one year of experience at that point and has pretty much doubled that in the mean time. Very good match with a very good opponent. The third match of the show was Silas Young taking on Adam Page, another new comer. Young got to cut a promo before the match so one would assume that he was going to get the win. You would be wrong. Page ended up winning with a victory roll which made things really odd. Young had won more of the match and got the mic time so why let him lose? I only count this match as a victory because the match itself was really good. The main event was Eddie Edwards taking on Matt Taven. Kevin Kelly & Steve Corino hit Taven’s problem directly on the head when they said that his entourage of Turth Martini & the Hoopla Hotties (Scarlett is pretty damn hot) take away from how good of a wrestler Taven is. When the announcers do something right, you’ve got to give it to ROH for a good show. To boot, the min ring product did have a high quality. One part of all of these matches was that they weren’t very “ROH” in that people didn’t kick out of multiple finishers and they didn’t exchange an obnoxious amount shots. Congratulations ROH, you got one right. -Kevin

#ROH is the Worst Part IX

hoopla_shirtI know this image has already taken a tour thru the internet, most notably on a certain Facebook page not named Stunt Granny. I held off on commentary because how does this not scream “ROH is the Worst”? Jeremy had asked me to review it before I saw the post on Facebook but had forgotten about it until I started mowing through my back log of episodes. Jeremy & I had gone back and forth about whether this shirt was even worth buying for a goof but we both agreed we’d be feeding into the abyss of terrible that is ROH so we wouldn’t even buy it as a gag. Sure enough, in the first episode I watched from 1 June, some tool in the first row already had the shirt.

With my memory thoroughly jogged, let’s get on to breaking down this absolute train wreck. They’re going for a crass (I can’t think of a better word because it’s not outrageous or shocking or trying to appeal to the ladies) with this gimmick so one would think they wouldn’t be shy with the design. The Os in Hoopla scream to be used as a highlighter for her boobs. But ROH designers don’t even feel the need to put any type of definition into the silhouette. They need to at least highlight some of the curves if she’s going to be a hottie. The other option is to capitalize on the mini-hula hoop craze that hit Youtube last year and show the silhouette hula hooping. The word Hoopla Hottie could have even been used inside the hula hoop even if the font would have been smaller than the real shirt.

On the back of the shirt, it has the statement “Take Your Pants Off” which of course then shows a top hat. I understand that Truth Martini needs to be involved since it’s his gimmick and the Mad Hatter hat is part of his schtick but why are you using that image? This shirt is about the women that are around Martini. How could you not use a silhouette of women’s pants? Since we’re being crass, lingerie would imply you got a little more off than just pants.

shirt_girl

You mean to tell me they couldn’t get one of Truth’s Hoopla Hotties to pose like this?

Beside the image, we get a picture of a tuxedo jacketed, hot pants wearing Truth Martini. He isn’t wearing his own shirt which is the point of a model. Let’s go back to my theme of this being crass. Don’t you think that the same tool that already bought this shirt would like a picture of a Hoopla Hottie wearing this Daisy Duke style and knotted at the stomach? Or they could go “Pants off” and have her wearing the shirt without any pants on. ROH can’t even get a t shirt design right. ROH is the worst. -Kevin

#ROH Is The Worst Part VII

arnold-schwarzenegger-intense

From upfitness.com

It absolutely drives me batty that Ring of Honor feels the need to push Roderick Strong as being in fantastic shape. When I punched fantastic shape into Google, that image above was the first one. Arnold may have been doing some stuff to his body to enhance it, but he was clearly doing some work to look that way. Over the course of the past year plus of watching ROH, Strong has been consistently defended by whatever announcer happened to behind the desk. Kevin Kelly leads the charge. In this episode, Nigel McGuinness touted his strength and endurance. I’ve changed to doing core and endurance training over the past five years. I have had a much easier time losing my stomach because of it. Which brings us back to Strong. Is he fat? Not even close but the guy has a bit of a gut. If he is in such fantastic shape, why does he have no muscle tone and a baby gut? It’s all to cover up for the fact that Roderick is clearly done being in shape. I Googled pictures of him and he had plenty of muscle tone in the past.

Roderick Strong is in an organization that reveres him or at least it seems that way with all of the announcers slobbering all over him. But they don’t see him suited to do anything. He’s not had his teeth sunk into a good story line in the same period of me watching. Sure, him and Michael Elgin temporarily feuded when the House of Truth broke up but they didn’t put much gusto behind it. I’d make an argument that Truth Martini’s break down got about as much attention. Which leads me to say, maybe I don’t blame Roderick for mailing it in and keeping his mediocre slot. ROH is the worst for turning their own celebrated wrestler into his own personal Ground Hog’s Day. -Kevin

Edit: After talking to my Prime Wrestling partner in crime Dan Kuester on ye olde Twitter, I realized I had forgotten an aspect of this hyping. Dan said “They aren’t going to say “Strong is kinda plain looking!” I don’t expect an announcer to undersell any of their wrestlers. The announcers do it so much though, I feel like they’re compensating for Strong’s lack of physique. If you mentioned it during one of his matches, fine. But they mention it multiple times in matches, this week included. Kevin Kelly & Nigel made comments before the commercial break then Nigel revisited the topic after the break. It’s too much. Knock it off or make Strong actually train. -Kevin

#WatchROH – Aired 12 May 2012

I know it’s the wrong border. I don’t care.

Ultramantis Black is joining Nigel McGuinness & Kevin Kelly in the announce booth for the Chikara take over of ROH. They add a pillow ad on before this so I can only hope this is another short show on a PPV night. That’s not a bad plan on their part. Why waste a squash match after a PPV that has yet to be wrestled? Ophidian (Hypnosis dude) and the Ice Creams are teaming together against The Colony. They had separate names but they didn’t show them on the screen so I don’t care. They stressed the heavy Lucha Libre influence including following their rules. Soldier Ant has camouflage on. Green Ant is next in the match. I’m confused. The action is fast. They cut to commercial at a bad time.

They come back with Ricky Reyes hitting the ring for a match against Jay Lethal. What the hell happened to the Chikara match? Kelly calls Lethal’s 20 pound weight advantage negligible. Reyes went on the attack early. The announcers do a good job of selling Reyes’ previous loss on ROH TV against Roderick Strong. Lethal turned it around with a leg lariat. A hand spring back elbow only got a two count. Kelly informs us that we’ll get Border Wars highlights next week. A Roll of the Dice by Reyes got him a two count. Nigel sells ROH as a parity league. Lethal Combination then a Lethal Injection for the win. He took care of Reyes much easier than Tomasso Ciampa taking care of Matt Taven the previous week.

Veda Scott interviewed Davey Richards about his match with Rhino. Richards is confused why Truth Martini would hire a hit man when he has something better in Michael Elgin. Richards said Rhino won’t be able to gore him with a broken ankle. Richards tells Rhino he’ll knock him back into the jungle if he does get a chance to try and gore him. Richards then gives us his best Blue Steel look.

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#WatchROH – Aired 7 May 2012

We get a replay of Caprice Coleman & Cedric Alexander beating the Briscoes with the help Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin. Tomasso Ciampa starts off the show with his clown car. Matt Taven is his opponent. Kevin Kelly tries to sell us on Taven’s credibility. Ciampa got a quick jump on Taven. Jay Lethal comes to ring side and sits down. Ciampa nailed his finisher then stared at Lethal. Taven reversed into a suplex on the exposed concrete. They exchange on their knees and feet back in the ring. Taven uses his legs to his advantage. Taven gives Ciampa a neck breaker after Ciampa was hung up on the top rope. Ciampa kicks out after a frog splash. Nigel McGuinness says the crowd is going nuts. They aren’t. Ciampa gave Taven a jumping knee but only got two. Ciampa kneed Taven twice in the Tree of Woe.  Ciampa nails “Project Ciampa” for a win. If a schmuck gives Ciampa this trouble, shouldn’t Lethal walk all over him?

Veda Scott interviewed TJ Perkins who will be wrestling Mike Mondo again. The Young Bucks make fun of Perkins. They still suck, not in a good way. Perkins had a paint by numbers promo. He’s not engaging. I love his in ring work. They shake hands, which is more of a rarity than not shaking. Perkins gets in a neck breaker. Mondo crawled under the ring to attack Perkins from behind. Mondo fish hooked and dragged Taven around. Kevin Kelly tells me to set my DVR to watch Rhino take on Davey Richards. It won’t be that epic. Mondo ground his elbow into Perkins head. Mondo exposed the eyeball and appeared to be ready to eat it. Perkins fought out and started to use his speed advantage. Perkins nails a missile drop kick. The Young Bucks came to ring side. They distract Perkins. Mondo tumbles to the floor. Obvious over the top rope spot. One of the Young Bucks holds a leg. Mondo gets the win. The All Night Express makes the save after Mondo & the Bucks attack PErkins after the match.

Charlie Haas gives everyone a reminder that the Briscoes started the war between themselves. Shelton Benjamin said they want their belts. The Briscoes admit to starting the feud. They’re going to whoop them in Toronto. Truth Martini runs down his houses matches. Roderick Strong told Fit Finlay he’ll be in for the biggest fight of his life. Michael Elgin tells Adam Cole that he’s the only break out star. Rhino said that he’s going to take out Eddie Edwards. Eddie says it’s all about who can take more punishment. He told Rhino he won’t stand in his way to getting the ROH Title back. Mike Bennett told Lance Storm that he’s pathetic for asking for a rematch. Bennett said that Storm’s career will come to an end at Border Wars. I just realized that Border Wars was last night. Their events seem more packed together than the WWE’s PPV. I’m not even looking up the results but Dusty’s “LOL ROH” tweet takes on a whole other context now.

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#WatchROH – Aired 28 April 2012

It’s more highlights from Showdown In The Sun. They showed off the Briscoes beating the World’s Greatest Tag Team, Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin. Benajmin & Haas attacked the Briscoes after the match so they had to be carried to the back. I’ve bitched about other companies giving away their pay per views. It’s even worse when you only show the pin fall.

Cedric Alexander & Caprice Coleman are in a Proving Ground match against the Briscoes. ROH has too many types of matches. Alexander get the upper hand on Mark early.  Coleman started to get worked over by both Briscoes. Alexander gets a luke warm tag. Alexander gets a two count from a face buster. Coleman got wheel barrowed into the barracade. Alexander kicked out after a combo ending with a Razor’s Edge. Haas & Benajmin low blowed Jay with no one seeing it. Mark takes the pin after a huracanrana & frog splash combo.

Veda Scott interviewed Prince Nana & Barrister Evans along with Truth Martini. Rhino had his contract purchased by Martini. Rhino is going to rip Eddie Edwards in half. Vinny Marseglia was the sacrificial lamb for a debuting Rhino. The best thing I can say about this match is that Rhino is in much better shape than just about any other ECW alumni. Everyone was cheering Rhino. Um, he’s never been a particularly good wrestler. Rhino wins with a Gore.

I think John Cena gets less mic time than Kevin Steen. I’d take his dick jokes over Steen droning on about a horrendous angle any day. Jimmy Jacobs is with him. Kevin Kelly & Jim Cornette were already in the ring. Steen makes a fat joke about Cornette. People in glass houses Mr. Steen, should not throw rocks. He did have a good crack about the flags and theme of Border Wars being so 1987. Davey Richards comes out drag down the quality of this segment even more. Steen claimed that Richards promised to help him but he didn’t. Steen steals the show every time. Richards says he’s holding himself down.  Steen says that Richards threatened to leave ROH multiple times. They were ready to fight but security separates them. Cornette wants them to sign a waiver since the pile driver will be legal for the match. Cornette slipped in a provision that this is Steen’s only shot at the title. The segment was OK when they were yelling at each other. Richards would only threaten to go to Japan because his mic skills aren’t even good enough for TNA.

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#WatchROH – Aired 17 & 24 March 2012

They showed Adam Cole pinning Davey Richards. Richards shakes Cole & Eddie Edward’s hands. Kyle O’Reilly refuses to shake. Kevin Steen is going to be Davey Richards personal nightmare until he gets a match against him for the ROH Title. Adam Cole comes out for March Mayhem Eight Man Tournament. Cole had a backstage promo. He’s mad at O’Reilly for not respecting him. He’s going to make O’Reilly respect him. Chris Silvio is his opponent. I’m ready for a squash match. Oh my lord, Kevin Kelly compares Silvio to Jesse Ventura & “Superstar” Billy Graham. I just vomited on my lap top. Kyle O’Reilly does his best to make the announce booth sound even worse. Cole wins a Florida Key which is a criss cross dragon suplex. Not an impressive outing. O’Reilly stormed out of the booth for storyline reasons but it should have been because it was a poorly executed match. O’Reilly challenges Cole to a match at Showdown in the Sun. Cole accepts.

They recap Jimmy Jacobs vs Kevin Steen. Hilarious that Jacobs is rehabbing from being evil in ROH & being evil in PWO. Kelly gets to interview Kevin Steen. He is carrying a tennis racket that has Davey Richards on it. Steen talks about destiny. He’s just as boring as Alberto Del Rio. He will be ROH Champion despite Jim Cornette‘s attempts to kept him away from the title.  Cornette shows up. Cornette tells him that his opponent for Friday night for Showdown in the Sun. El Generico is his opponent. Steen said he won’t be dumb enough to get himself suspended by using the pile driver.

Lance Storm cuts a promo from his gym. He said he isn’t out of shape and will be ready for him. He said Mike Bennett doesn’t have the passion to be in wrestling. They try to make the promo more interesting by shooting him from multiple camera angles. It doesn’t work. Davey Richards knows how tough his three man match will be against Eddie Edwards & Roderick Strong. If he wins that, he takes on Michael Elgin. Richards said if he gets out of that weekend with the title, he’ll have earned it. DemBoys said everyone in this match hates each other. The chicken shit is going to hit the fan in Florida. Charlie Haas tells the Briscoes that they’re dumb. It’s a grudge match so when this match is over, their feud is.

Evidently everyone pays in and wins a pot of money for the March Mayhem. Four matches lead to a four way match. Winner of the four way wins the cash. They love having money on everyone’s mind. We get replay of Jay Lethal versus Tomasso Ciampa. The match went to the time limit. Ciampa attacked Lethal and stole the TV belt. Roderick Strong with Truth Martini takes on Jay Lethal in the first four way match. Counting in English reminded Kevin Kelly of El Generico’s return. I think he’s locked up worst announcer in wrestling with tonight’s showing. Congratulations on unseating Mike Tenay’s several year reign. They go to commercial before much has happened.

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