The #WWE Celebrates the World Cup

The WWE decided to celebrate the beginning of the World Cup today by having some of their Superstars and Divas give a Knute Rockne-esque speech for their home country. You can here what they say in the video but through a special futbol translator, I know what they really said.

Dolph Ziggler – Even the US’s head coach Jurgen Klinsmann doesn’t think the US stands a chance in this “Group of Death” with Germany, Portugal and Ghana. That’s because he played for Germany and is still pissed at Spain for beating them in the quarter finals in 2010. Klinsmann threw our chances as soon as he decided not to include Landon Donovan. That’s why you can only trust manager’s from the USA! USA! USA!

Emma – We’re so great at football that we have our own version called Australian Football. The US isn’t the only country that gets these sports mixed up!

Alberto Del Rio – Mexico is so terrible that the last three World Cup qualifications we’ve played at Crew Stadium in Columbus OH that we’ve lost 2-0 to the USA. That makes it completely logical to think that we can beat Brazil in Brazil without any problems. We’ll just get our cartel to drop some dead bodies in their slums and that’ll scare them enough to throw the match. Hold on, their slums are worse than ours? We’re so screwed.

William Regal – England’s career in the World Cup is the same in mine in wrestling. A small, vocal amount of fans consider me/them great while the rest of the world craps on me/them. At least we have a chance of moving on from Group D since Costa Rica and Uruguay suck. England will then lose in spectacular fashion in the Knock Out Rounds. I’m depressed already.

Kofi Kingston – I’m creating an angle for myself because I can barely stay on TV. I can’t wait to be run down by Zeb Colter and then lose to the re-re-re-repackaged Jack Swagger. Come on Ghana, get me some air time!

Santino Marella – Since I was born in Canada, I got to celebrate a Gold Medal in Olympic Ice Hockey earlier this year. Since I’m Italian on TV, I get to root for soccer power house Italy. I can’t wait until William Regal has to wear an Italy jersey on NXT next week after Italy beats England on Saturday. Mayors aren’t the only one who can make these stupid bets.

Paige – Joe Hart is so hunky.

Cesaro – I can’t wait to say Switzerland lost in five different languages. – Kevin

Headlines: Kofi to appear on Disney, WWE on “The Soup,” Kelly Kelly on TMZ

According to Prowrestling.net, Kofi Kingston will appear on Disney XD’s “Kickin’ It.” A) No way that just because Linda McMahon lost her Senate race, WWE is leaving its PG-rating audience. B) This makes me wonder what Jason Powell has his Google Alerts set to, “kofi kingston” or “disney xd.”

Also according to Prowrestling.net, WWE will be featured on E!’s “The Soup” this Wednesday at 10:30p/9:30p Central, and again on USA after the 11/26 Monday Night Raw. “The Soup” is hilarious. WWE is not. WWE is especially not hilarious when trying to write “better” comedy for actual hilarious things. This could either be a trainwreck or the greatest thing Joel McHale has done since waking up this morning.

Finally, according to TMZ.com (by way of Prowrestling.net and also something I saw on Twitter yesterday), Kelly Kelly, aka Barbie Blank, blew a tire on her way to a bikini calendar photo shoot, and she changed the tire herself so she wouldn’t be late. It should come as no surprise that she can change a tire since she used to travel with a bunch of pansy-ass WWE wrestlers, who fly in planes and hire tour bus drivers. Harley Race would have ripped off that flat tire and ate it out of spite. The best part about the TMZ article is the reference to “busted rubber.” The worst part is that the sentence didn’t also say things like “Eric” and “inside her.” Better luck next time. -Eric

Second Annual Akeem Memorial Hall of Fame: Angles

Every year, starting in 2010, we here at Stunt Granny will go through a rigorous, dangerous, possibly illegal set of votes to induct people into our own Akeem Memorial Hall of Fame. The voting is broken up into four categories: Serious Wrestlers, Fun Wrestlers, Angles, and Matches. This post is for the Angles. Here are last year’s inductees:

Hulk Hogan joins the NWO, Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon – WWF 1998, Junk Yard Dog blinded, Jerry Lawler vs. Bret Hart – WWF 1993, Big Boss Man/Big Show/coffin angle, Ric Flair retirement 2008, Brian Pillman works WWF/WCW/ECW 1996, DX invades WCW, Megapowers form – WWF 1988, Randy Savage vs. Jake the Snake – WWF 1991

And now, without any further ado, here are this year’s inductees!

Hart Foundation vs.USA, WWF 1997

 The Four Horsemen form, break Dusty’s ankle

Big Boss Man/Al Snow/Pepper

Ric Flair retirement angle, WCW 1993

Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat, WWF 1987

WWF title vacated, leading to Royal Rumble to crown new champion, WWF 1991-92

Kerry Von Erich vs. Ric Flair, Christmas 1982

Sting is kicked out of the Horsemen, WCW 1990

Bob Orton wears cast

WWE Tough Enough returning, Tony Atlas thinks weird

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE “Tough Enough” is definitely returning, and the company has issued a casting call for athletes who want to become the “next WWE superstar.” Have I already made the “good thing Bob Holly isn’t still on the roster” joke?

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Tony Atlas was on the “In Your Head” online or radio or tin-cans-and-strings show, and admitted he came up with the idea to rub WD40 on himself during WWE’s old-school Monday Night Raw.

Jack asks about the WD40 segment and if Atlas actually put that on his body. Atlas didn’t do that as he was just told to think of something crazy. He thought that was pretty crazy.

I use that stuff to keep my car door latch from freezing open in the winter. My dad has had cans of the shit lying around the house since before I was born. It smells bad, like Sex Panther. I grew up with Water Displacement 40, and never in my three decades of developing my warped sense of humor have I ever thought of rubbing it on myself. I love Tony Atlas. Time to buy his book. -Eric

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