TNA Audio #2 – The Road To Nowhere

If you don't listen, Dusty will do next week's audio wearing a turkey suit!

Oh my god, they renewed the contract for another week! By George, maybe this is catching on after all. This week, Dusty and Matt focus on the January 19 edition of Impact. Topics include but are not limited to these exciting things:

-The debut of the segment sweeping the nation, “Ask A Random Question.”

-More long diatribes about how no one in this godforsaken company knows how to dress himself.

-How exactly is mental retardation supposed to be funny?

-How many different ways can they come up with to end the show with a dirty finish?

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #2

And a whole lot more, and it’s only going to take about an hour of your time, so you need to listen or else you’ll be the only one in neighborhood who’s not, and no one wants to be the outcast.

WWE suspends R-Truth for 30 days, I bet @ValVenisEnt is going to have a conniption fit

R-Truth and Vince McMahon, watching "Robot Chicken" on Adult Swim

According to Prowrestling.net, Ron Killings, aka R-Truth, has been suspended for 30 days for violating the WWE wellness policy, right on the heels of main-eventing WWE Survivor Series and just a few hours after what now appears to be an injury angle, taking Miz’s Skull-Crushing Finale on the top of the stage at Monday Night Raw last night.

Now, I’m not one to cast aspersions on people’s good name, but Killings strikes me as a possible pot head. Kinda like Evan Bourne (who’s in the middle of his own suspension) and Mike Chioda (he was recently suspended, and I just want to think he’s a pot head because he’s a nice guy). Not a guy who destroys his body by using massive amounts of steroids or HGH or other mind-altering performance enhancers or lethal doses of alcohol and muscle relaxers or a shit-ton of coke. Nope, a little bit of weed here and there. Enough to dull the pain of a hard night’s work. And that’s what WWE has been busting guys for lately, pulling some of the most entertaining acts off of TV while forcing upon us ass-heads like Kofi Kingston.

That’s why we get Tweets like this, from Val Venis:

Its 100% hypocritical of @wwe to allow the use of prescribed pain meds which do kill, while suspending talent for marijuana. #legalizeweed

Yes, legalize weed, its good for your grammar. Here’s hoping Kevin never gets his dream job in WWE, and Dusty keeps his spaghetti jacket in the closet. -Eric

Val Venis blasts John Morrison, Melina for having “zero nuts,” being “ho”

Sean Morley, aka Val Venis, is priceless these days, ranting and raving on blogs, Twitter and YouTube about the hot topics of the day. He’s got no major-league affiliation anymore, and he was probably smart with his money so he can afford to burn bridges if he wants. And more importantly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he could kick the shit out of any of these people he’s called out lately. (None of them look like they could win a real fight, anyway; example…) He blasted the Hardys, Shannon Moore and Shane Helms in a classic diatribe, and now he’s after John Morrison and Melina for snubbing his beloved fellow Canadian, Trish Stratus, at WrestleMania XXVII. He kicks in the curse words almost right away, calling Melina a “fucking slut,” then asking John Morrison how “Mike Knox” and “Batista” taste. (You see, because Melina is the company dartboard.) “You tried to turn a ho into a housewife!” shouts an angry Venis at Morrison! It’s true! It’s hilarious! Quit reading this and watch the video above! (Props to Fanatic for uncovering this.) -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11- Week Ending 2/26/11

1. Smackdown Elimination Chamber – Even though the individual performer medals went to John Morrison & CM Punk in the Raw version, the Smackdown version was the better of the two matches. It was the best multi-man match I’ve seen in quite some time. I don’t think it’ll be a match of the year candidate by the end of the year, but it was a great surprise on the Road to WrestleMania. – Kevin

2. No Word Promo Heard Round the World – Triple H interrupting the long hyped return of the Undertaker was just what the Wrestlemania card needed. Considering they did this without saying a single word tells you how important Undertaker’s streak is at the event. Now if only Undertaker could really live forever. – Kevin

3. Tough Enough – After Rima Fakih was the first contestant to be officially announced for Tough Enough, Val Venis and my sources revealed that “M-Dogg 20” Matt Cross was another contestant. After watching him for 3 1/2 seasons in Pro Wrestling Ohio, I’m wishing him good luck. – Kevin

4. Fetuses – Jillian Hall and Candace Michelle both announced that they’re pregnant. (Candace might have been last week, who knows and who cares. And it might be “Candice,” whatever.) (Dusty edit: It absolutely is “Candice” and from this point forward, I’m editing it every single time.) I guess don’t know what trimester the women are in, so I maybe should be giving credit to “zygotes” or “embryos.” Really what I need to do is give myself credit for letting two women I did not impregnate take me back to fifth-grade science terminology. Next up: I’m going to dissect a worm. – Eric

5. Sting – After all of the hype about him possibly being the Undertaker’s opponent for WrestleMania, Sting goes back to TNA and wins the Title. Sting is much smarter than anyone has given him credit for being. He just bilked more money out of TNA based off of rumors. Way to go, kid. – Jeremy

6. TNA – So let’s get this right. They take Impact on the road and then proceed to tape two weeks of television? They recorded a live show instead of forking over for a live broadcast? On top of that they have Sting return at this show that was taped? So, they had a major surprise happen on an episode that was recorded instead of airing live in the same night that Impact airs. If this makes no sense at all it is because it doesn’t. – Jeremy

7. Mistico/Sin Cara – Okay, I don’t get it. I watched CMLL for a while on Telemundo or Univision or whatever, and never saw Mistico. Maybe I did and didn’t realize it since they don’t run the shows in English. So I went to YouTube and looked up some videos of Mistico. Um, I don’t get the appeal. He is just another spotfest Mexican wrestler that wears a mask. How is he a huge star? This isn’t a criticsm of WWE for signing him but why is he such a big star down south? – Jeremy

8. Chris Jericho – The new media gadfly (move over Mo Rocca, you huge nerd) released his epic second book last week, but I read it over that weekend so it still qualifies here. (Note: Buy it, check it out from the library, steal it, I don’t care, it’s great.) And he’s still making the rounds through the media to promote the book, while still making himself look smarter about the business of professional wrestling than 10 Triple Hs. – Eric

9. Hacksaw Duggan – It was recently announced that he will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year, along with Shawn Michaels. It’s sad that the first thing that comes to mind when I see the name “Hacksaw Duggan” is that he had snot coming out of his nose after his WrestleMania 5 match against Bad News Brown. It’s too bad he turned into such a comedy act in the WWF because his work in Mid South/UWF for Bill Watts was very good and he was probably one of the best brawlers in wrestling history. If you are a member of the PWTorch VIP Forum (and if you’re not, you need to sign up immediately!!!), be sure to check out Stunt Granny Nostalgia Expert zourah’s blog about how Duggan’s work for Watts shaped his wrestling fandom. It is an excellent read. – Dusty

10. Austin Aries – Peep and weep:

Dusty

11. Randy Orton – Apparently some kid recently did a doorbell ditch on Orton’s home. Since Orton has a home security system, he was able to post some pictures of the kid with the message being that if someone can catch him, Orton will provide them with free tickets the next time WWE is in St. Louis. I understand that Orton is coming off here like the old man yelling at the punk kids to get off his lawn, but I will always side with the athlete in situations like this. He deserves the same privacy as anyone else, and I hope the kid who did this to him gets humiliated for his effort at 15 seconds of fame.

By the way, how many godfucking times in a row can Eric put up a piece about Chris Jericho? We get it, you like him. We really truly get it. – Dusty

Will this Dogg be Tough Enough?

Raquel Welch on a Cross. I'll see enough of Matt Cross on Tough Enough, probably.

I didn’t see it on Twitter myself (Prowrestling.Net did), but Val Venis (AKA Sean Morley) has broke the news that “M-Dogg 20” Matt Cross has made it onto Tough Enough. Dot Net wasn’t able to confirm it. I can’t either but my sources told me that he was not at the recording of Pressure Rising for Pro Wrestling Ohio this past weekend in Streetsboro, OH because of contractual obligations. So I figured I’d pile on the speculation. As my review from this past weekend notes, I think Cross has the in ring ability but his mic work will be tested in WWE waters. I wish him the best of luck as I’ve enjoyed his work these past three years in PWO. – Kevin

Val Venis has choice words for Matt Hardy, other hicks

 

Val Venis, patiently awaiting Matt Hardy's mushmouthed retort.

Please don’t ask me how I ever ended up at a low-rent wrestling site like this one, but according to Wrestling News Source, Val Venis recently posted a video taken from the dashboard of his car (as opposed to the backseat, heh heh heh, amirite, ladies?) where he not just rips on Matt Hardy but totally demolishes him, along with Jeff Hardy, Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and all of the other “trampoline-jumping goofballs” from Omega Backyard Wrestling. Sorry I can’t embed the video from whatever discount video site this is, but you must go to the link and check it out:

http://bambuser.com/channel/ValVenisENT/broadcast/1323044

You know, the Big Valbowski is kinda like a video blog: One spreads like a virus, and the other spreads viruses. Heh heh heh. Ugh. -Eric

P.S. Jeremy just suggested that Val might be in character, since he doesn’t really talk like this. One (idiot from Cameron, N.C.) might think this post could blow up in my face if this whole thing turns out to be an angle, originating on the Web, between Venis and the Omega losers. The joke, however, will be on them when TNA goes out of business in July 2013. So there.

Val Venis Signed By WWE

Start printing the t-shirts.

Yeah you read that headline correctly. According to Brian Fritz at Fanhouse, Val Venis is returning to WWE. Yes the man known for being a porn star is headed back to PG television. Well, maybe he is maybe he is just going in to a backstage role. I can understand the urgent need to bring him back after he set fire in TNA. You remember that right? He came in with Hogan and Bischoff? Hey don’t click off this yet, there’s more.

Ok there isn’t. No one cares about this move but in an effort to drum up attention I posted on it. It’s hard to even make jokes at his expense since he has been out of the spotlight so long what’s the point? So welcome back Val or will it be Sean Morley? I know there is a joke there somewhere but I don’t have the time or energy to construct one. Carry on with your day.

Oh Matt Hardy is still fat. -Jeremy

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