Kevin’s Blog: A Day Late & A Dollar Short Review of @ImpactWrestling

Destination

I figured since Final Destination is on Sunday, I may as well do a de facto preview. I’ve got a couple of hours before I go out drinking with my buddy who is in town from Pittsburgh.

Kazarian starts off by call us choads. You deserve the shit you’re given. Bobby Roode cuts a fair enough program but I’m not sure why he’d put this double albatross around his neck. Christopher Daniels is OK at being insincere but I’m just so tired of this feud. AJ Styles is cutting an OK promo too. Still bored. Jeff Hardy & James Storm save Styles who picked a bad fight. They replay Austin Aries, Bully Ray & Hulk Hogan. Aries gets to cut the promo. He’s pushed buttons and wants to push more. I guess he likes video games.

I only looked at the headlines on Dot Net this morning so I know someone debuted or came back tonight. I also know that there’s a new TV Champion. Considering it’s a one on one match, the outcome between Samoa Joe and Devon is pretty easy. The match was cheap. Earl is distracted by a hot blonde. I guess that’s what happens since Madison Rayne left. DOC nails Samoa Joe with a hammer. Devon covers for the win. Brooke Hogan is happy about a contract delivery. Hmm, I’m guessing this is the mystery person.

I’m not shocked that they’re continuing this dumb angle with D’Lo Brown and Al Snow. They’re cool but a match is happening between them, right? Mickie James comes out in a dress. She made a pact to win the Knockouts Champion. Well, duh. Tara interrupts to brag about Jesse. Velvet Sky comes out. Three terrible promos in a row. Robbie E is freaking out about paying his insurance. Robbie T is a smart sophisticated European so he knows how to work an iPad. Why did I choose to review this show again?

That was their big promo before wrestling Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez. I don’t care about this match. Shocking, isn’t it? The Mexicans who were both born in the US take on Joey Ryan & Matt Morgan on Sunday. I’m sure Morgan is thinking it was a great idea to re-sign with TNA. Hernandez didn’t injure Robbie T. Chavo wins with the Frog Splash. Joey Ryan interrupts. Morgan attacks from behind. Big Morgan & Big Organ. I’m just angry now. Nothing gets better when Devon acts like he enjoys the strippers “going lesbian”.

Garrett Bischoff & Wes Brisco have Kurt Angle‘s back. I could like the group if Garrett & Brisco could act at all. Chavo barks all day little doggy while Hernandez tries to look tough. They cut the promo short. Jimminy Cricket.

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Stunt Granny Audio #195

Serious business goes on at Kevin’s workplace.

Kevin and Dusty didn’t start the fire! But they sure did talk about it on this audio! Join Kevin and Dusty on a fantastic voyage through the wacky world of professional wrestling, as they give you a healthy dosage of News You Can Use. They also talk about just how crazy Kharma is, how useless Velvet Sky is, how ridiculous TNA is, how big of a superstar Chavo Guerrero is, how cashing it in Jerry Lawler, and a veritable host of other things. Dusty makes gay jokes, Kevin regales us with tales of idiot co-workers, and a special surprise guest pops in to add to the festivities. All this and a whole lot more, and it’s only going to take you about an hour of your precious measley time, so get to it, losers.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #195

Doing the Diva shuffle: Kharma makes WWE release official, TNA bounces Velvet Sky all over the place

According to Gerweck.net, Kharma (a/k/a Kia Stevens) all but made her WWE release official this morning by responding to a Twitter question asking if she had been granted said release.

@CatherineNikita yes, I was. It doesn’t mean I’ll never be back.

If you recall, Jeremy recently posted that WWE’s reason for granting Kharma’s release was that they had nothing creatively for her. This idea boggles even the Corkiest of minds, which shows you the depths of stupidity of the current WWE writing staff. If you can’t make plans for a 200-pound evil-looking black chick in a world full of pin-up dolls and airheads, you need to find another line of work, maybe one where you understand, “I like my fries crispy, keep them in the grease for six minutes instead of five.”

In other lady news, according to Prowrestling.net, the profile of Velvet Sky (a/k/a Hot Stuff McGee) has been taken off and then put back on TNA’s ImpactWrestling.com Web site. Vel Vel is dealing with contract issues thanks to Bruce Prichard, talent relations extraordinaire, asking talent to restructure the terms and lengths of their deals. Sky could pull a Brian Pillman circa the “Cowboy” Bill Watts years and tell Prichard that she’ll be the highest paid Knockouts jobber on the roster, or she could grab the next ticket to Stamford, Conn., and pick up her friend and former WWE developmental wrestler Angelina Love on the way to really shake things up. Or she could grab the next ticket to Des Moines, Iowa, and rub her vagina on my middle rope, if you know what I mean. (Because, you see, that’s what she did in TNA, so don’t be accusing me of lewdness, you pricks.) -Eric

Angelina Love is out of TNA/Impact Wrestling.

According to her Twitter account, Angelina Love is no longer part of TNA or Impact Wrestling. She hasn’t been seen in months after the terribly long, boring and nonsensical storyline of her becoming Winter’s zombie but not totally a zombie.

To all my wonderful fans, just want to let you know I have been granted my release from TNA. It was completely amicable parting of ways and I want to thank TNA and all of its employees for the wonderful journey I’ve had there over the years. Now I’m on to the next amazing chapter of my life! If you are looking to book me please contact John at john@spectacularsignings.com Thank you so much!

This isn’t a terrible loss as it was the first time she was released by TNA due to visa issues. Love was at one point one of their most important stars. Along with Velvet Sky they formed one of TNA’s only in house star making groups. They then proceeded to tear it down and build it up and then tear it down again for no real reason. No one has come out better for it and it dried up a revenue stream for TNA. So congrats to that Dixie.

Anyway, you have to figure she is dropping the porn name and will return to Angel Williams for her independent bookings. Wait, Angel Sky isn’t that bad of a name really but this isn’t Hentai so never mind. -Jeremy

Jeremy Borash Designs His Bedroom

Since I’m the art director here at Stunt Granny, I took special interest in the above picture that was tweeted by Jeremy Borash (@JeremyBorash). As usual, thanks to the nearly omnipotent Prowrestling.net. Borash tweeted:

A new set built at TNA HQ… for what? Tune into the IMPACT post show tomorrow for the details!

I feel privileged to type about twelve year old boys again this week because this set looks like a bedroom one might live in. You’ve got the sexy posters of the Knockouts because you need some spank bank material that the governor on your parents computer won’t let you get to. You’ve got Velvet Sky almost showing her top for a money shot and you can dream about giving Miss Tessmacher a Dirty Pirate. The boy also wants to put up posters of his male heroes like Sting, Hulk Hogan and of course Mr. Counter Culture Jeff Hardy. I’m pretty sure that the boy’s mom bought that desk and microphone at Ikea. At least Borash now has his dream bedroom inside of Universal Studios or somewhere in the heart of Nashville, TN but really does it matter? Congrats on getting past that 5′-0″ mark on the door frame in mom’s kitchen, tyke! -Kevin

TNA moves Impact Wrestling up an hour, now Devon’s kids can go to bed on time

Yep, the best part of the program that draws the highest ratings that they won't even be able to air in the new hour with all of the fans. (Credit to whoever posted this on Flickr)

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA has announced that Impact Wrestling will move from its current 9-11 p.m. Eastern time slot on Spike TV to an earlier 8-10 p.m. Eastern block, “predicated on the fact that there are more available viewers” during that earlier two hours. Yes, because at 10 p.m. Eastern, millions of people suddenly die and aren’t replaced until 11 p.m., and their TVs explode right there in the living rooms. No, there aren’t more available viewers at that time, and it’s not just TV industry jargon I don’t understand; it’s a fool’s explanation for a pussy move by a pussy company. Remember when TNA attempted the Monday Night Wars V2 in 2010, and within five months were back to Thursdays? The rationale, from TNA’s press release?

The fans have spoken and with their input we have determined the best timeslot to maximize the TNA audience is on Thursday nights where we are confident it will be among the most-watched shows with young men.

So at the time there were enough viewers to force an entire day shift, but now there are too few viewers there which warrants a time shift. I love it. TNA fans, set your VCRs accordingly!

For the record, here are shows TNA will now compete against in that 8-9 p.m. hour:

  • “Missing” (ABC, with puffy Ashley Judd)
  • “The Big Bang Theory” (CBS, as well as every other channel that has syndicated shows, so you can watch it any time)
  • “American Idol” (Fox; you don’t want to miss Steven Tyler’s face melting off)
  • “Community” and “30 Rock” (NBC, two of the most overrated shows of the past five years)
  • Basic cable reruns of “George Lopez,” “Two and a Half Men,” “American Pickers,” and “Real Housewives of New Jersey”
  • Highbrow, out-of-demographic news programs including “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Anderson Cooper 360” (or 180, if you ask Gorilla Monsoon)

If TNA can’t pull itself back up over the 1.0 mark against this cadre of pure shit, it needs to buy a huge novelty “OUT OF BUSINESS” sign and put itself out of its misery. -Eric

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #iMPACTWrestling

Jeff Hardy's shirt reminds me of Impressionist paintings. This one is Sunrise by Monet, who is a favorite of mine.

James Storm is distraught over not winning the TNA Title. I’m not the biggest fan of this happening. They do make things work. I thought Bobby Roode would have been dropping the title too soon, which I don’t think I’d said in my previous reviews. I still think Storm should have won but they gave him a nice out by having him practically won. Roode comes out to gloat. I’m digging the new hair cut. It fits a suit better. Roode says he has no opponents left which brings out Mr. Anderson. Roode tells him to get to the back of the pack. Jeff Hardy hobbles out. He thinks he deserves a title shot. Him & Anderson argue. Hulk Hogan wants all the champs out in the ring later. Hardy will fight Anderson.

Crimson & Bully Ray team against Matt Morgan & Austin Aries. Morgan starts against Crimson. They continue to do the heavy work but Crimson was on offense most of the time. Aries gets the tag and brings the fun to the match. Bully Ray pulls the trunks to win. Garrett Bischoff is sauntering in the back.

Hardy thinks it’s his turn to get the title. Jeff thinks it was a good call by Hogan for the match. Garrett comes out. The crowd is excited for the guys around him but go silent when he starts talking. He thanks AJ Styles, RVD & Anderson along with Aries in the back. Ric Flair interrupts the blow jobs. Flair tells Garrett the truth when he rips his mic work. This story continues. Please kill me. They bleep the Bischoff for Eric. Woof. If you’re going to rip someone else’s mic work, bring something other than your worst. Christopher Daniels was holding evidence about AJ Styles. Double Ugh.

Magnus & Samoa Joe talk to Devon about the champs meeting. Short & pointless. Kurt Angle is taking on AJ Styles. My cable cut out of the match but went to commercial. I didn’t miss much. Styles is in control after the break. Daniels gives AJ whatever is in the mystery envelope. AJ screams “How’d you get this?” Angle rolls up AJ for the win. If it was AJ this whole time, why did you wait to reveal it? Stop continuing story lines that suck. Joseph Park tries to talk to Gunner. Park wants answers. Gunner tells him to ask Bully Ray because they wrestled together last.

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