Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

stumped-me-big-timeI pulled a stump out of my brother’s rental property this past weekend. It made me think that I’m stumped about a lot of things these days. How come Baby Momma Drama isn’t living here but still has all of his stuff here. I’m stumped as to why Idiot Intern didn’t say anything today after an impromptu vacation which screwed one of our fellow employees. Or why my employer didn’t say anything for such a blatant disregard of protocol. I’m also stumped as to why we haven’t had a post since my article about local beer. Oh well, fresh content. Let’s roll.

Daniel Bryan comes out to talk about his rubber match with Randy Orton which was weirdly introduced by the announce crew who got jammed in after the walk down and before Bryan started talking. Orton finally comes down. They start the match with a quickness. A promo and match in the opening segment. The WWE can break the cycle sometimes. Of course the match ends shortly after it begins. This match is too big to be on free TV. First time I’ve been interested in Orton in ages.

Brickie is excited. Bryan is pissed about the double DQ. Vickie gives him the match with Orton. Vince McMahon shows up. He makes confusing remarks about Bryan. Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow are waiting in the ring. Sheamus & Christian are their opponents. My woman is not pleased by the match up because it is repetitive. I’m paying more attention to the announcers pontificating about their online shows. I’m not watching your extra shit. Brogue Kick. Snooze.

Is CM Punk rocking Beats by Dre? Yes he is. Punk has a match but against an unnamed opponent. Kaitlyn is taking on Aksana. They’re on a tear showing. Hey, funny what a concerted effort can do (Edit: For the women’s division. The WWE has featured them since right before Payback). AJ Lee goes for the fake outfit. I guess it’d be redundant for her to use a midget. Kaitlyn with a spear. AJ’s taunt backfires. The reenactment (Edit: of Kaitlyn’s gullibility) is lame until AJ cracks the joke about Kaitlyn’s voice. I’m not sure why Layla isn’t letting Kaitlyn beat the hell out of AJ. All of this content is being made by the WWE but the Wyatts’ can’t get a fresh vignette?

We go back thru Henry’s promo. I still don’t know how people bit on that segment. They started it with a Tweet! Damn fine work anyway. Chris Jericho comes out. Alberto Del Rio comes out after the break. Nothing happens even on the mics before the next break. They both love the enziguri. Jericho is really working up a lather. He isn’t looking like Bon Jovi right now. I don’t know if I still see what the WWE does in Del Rio, but he’s been marginally better so far in this heel incarnation. Jericho turns a cross arm breaker into the Walls of Jericho. Slick. Ricardo attacks. Dolph Ziggler attacks Del Rio as Jericho attacks Ricardo. Ziggler Zig Zags Del Rio & Jericho. What does happen to the AJ & Dolph partnership? No mention if they stay apart? Brickie is talking when HHH arrives. The power struggle continues. HHH does make a good point, Brad Maddox wears his dress shirts awfully tight.

My woman and I wonder about the Sheamus commercial which has the old lady trying to molest him? I mean, assault is too strong. There isn’t any other way to construe that, right? Kid’s programming, right? Vickie Guerrero & Jerry Lawler bicker over their sponsor that is getting a big old commercial right now. Vickie has all three McMahon’s on her cover. Maddox presents himself with John Cena & CM Punk. Nice. Of course it’s the Rock. Good for him.

Ryback gets to beat the king of main event jobbers, the Great Khali. Only interesting part of the match is the double march before his weak ass Shellshock.

John Cena comes out to give us a history lesson. It leads to his point that Mark Henry made a mockery of people who had to retire. I liked it but the ending was weak. My Time is Now? Really? I know it’s on your shirt but it’s a bad catch phrase. Some paid gave money to Sandy Relief to be part of the Funkasaurus entrance. Good for him.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

going-up-and-down-john-babisI can’t stop watching the Pirates at Reds game to start this blog. The umpire gave Russell Martin a walk in the top of the 8th with Andrew McCutchen on first. Pedro Alvarez came up wanting to mash the ball and whiffed. That sucked. Let’s roll.

Anybody that said Alberto Del Rio is better as a heel didn’t watch him as a heel. Del Rio is terrible as a baby face and heel. He’s not good at professional wrestling. I don’t care if he brings in the Latin audience. Are you listening to this promo anyone that said that? The audience is shitting on him not in a good way. He can’t get a USA chant going for pete’s sake. Everyone in pro wrestling can get that chant going. CM Punk saves us. Punk blows him out of the water just being a dick and asking Paul Heyman how many days he was champion. Punk and Heyman start to disagree. Punk wants a non-title match tonight. After a refusal by Del Rio, Punk asks Ricardo to fight. Vickie Guerrero makes it a match.

Punk and Heyman are continuing the miscommunication. He rips on Brock Lesnar and Curtis Axel. Wade Barrett is going for a record for how many times you can lose a meaningless title in one calendar. Vickie introduces her big surprise, Christian. Ha. Jeremy & I talked about not missing him last week. Kind of funny. Barrett is still going to continue his fall down the depth chart. Killswitch and Christian wins in his return. People are mildly excited.

Sheamus is taking on Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow. JBL is consistent with his point as he talks about this match being unfair for a baby face. Mitchell Cool even added the point of it not being a tag match. Lawler chimes in with a dragon joke that I laughed at but his pals were confused by. Sandow gets the roll up pin on Sheamus. Awesome camera work as you didn’t see Sandow until he was rolling up Sheamus.

Brickie was talking to HHH. Of course he asks what the main event was going to be tonight. Christian had been medically cleared for a month and a half. HHH brags about signing RVD. HHH wants Vickie to make an example out of the Shield. Brad Maddox is killing me. Kane talks to Daniel Bryan. He is still the weak link. Kane wants to get them back together. Bryan wants to be Team DB. Kane goes with a douche bag line. Kane wishes him good luck which sets off Bryan.

Randy Orton comes out first. Daniel Bryan is ready to steal the show. This crowd seems gassed already. Bryan isn’t getting as big a reaction as recently. Bryan crashing into the barricade looked ouchy. Not much happened before the break. The announcers agreed by talking about anything but the match. Why is No DQ trending? Really fans? That’s all the better you can do? Christ on a pony. Orton kicks Bryan in the rib cage as he tried to skin the cat. The doctor stops the match. What’s with the injury finishes recently? I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. Orton & Bryan make up after the match.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

overgrown-yardI have a couple of articles in the works but this one is going to get posted first. One is about the Pittsburgh Penguins (it still hurts a little) and ROH (it still sucks a lot). I just got done dealing with my brother’s rental property which looks about as awful as the picture above so I’m starting late again tonight. I’ll get that overgrown yard under control but it’s going to take a while. Until I get more day light though, I’ll review some wrestling. Let’s roll.

HHH starts us off. Thanks for letting me save time already. Curtis Axel comes out next with Paul Heyman. Vince McMahon comes down and DQs Axel. HHH restarts the match. This is dumb. Vince comes back down. They continue their pissing match. Vince leaves with the ring bell and microphone. Just stupid. The announcers have to act like it is crazy instead of meant for someone with a Moe Howard hair cut.

Steph tries to talk down HHH from hurting Vince. HHH wants Steph to talk to him. How dumb are you, HHH? She’s working with him. Dean Ambrose gets to fight Kane. I’m glad the announcers are stressing how the Shield may act now not working as a three piece unit. Reigns and Rollins still interfered. Daniel Bryan & Randy Orton made the save. Sheamus has gotten kicked down to the Payback Kickoff. I didn’t think he’d be joining the Miz with as much TV time as he’s gotten with Damien Sandow. It’s been solid TV. They both deserve better.

Orton, Bryan and Kane argue back stage. Kane is the voice of reason again. I’m still digging his end of the bargain too. Brickie comes in and makes Bryan & Orton vs Reigns & Rollins for Payback. Kane gets a US Title match. He give Vickie a sweaty hug.

The Miz is in the ring and Wade Barrett is in the announce booth. Fandango has a concussion now. Hmm, is that real or a work? I didn’t think I saw news that he actually sustained one. Cody Rhodes gets to lose to the Miz. A kid fist pumping during the figure four tap out win for the Miz cracked me up. Paul Heyman comes out and tells us that Curtis Axel is getting tossed into this match.

Steph seems to give a care about her argument with Vince. Business comes first. Men, am I right girls? Chris Jericho hits our TV screens. Jericho keeps making his promos just good enough to peak my interest but not good enough that they’re great promos. My boy Dolph Ziggler makes his entrance. He was better so Jericho starts his nonsense talk. It leads to the inevitable match challenge. Big E Langston accepts the challenge.

We join the match in progress. I’ve liked what I’ve seen from Langston. Alberto Del Rio comes down and attacks Ziggler. Langston gets distracted. Jericho hits the Code Breaker for the win.

Sin Cara is taking on Antonio Cesaro. What did Cesaro do to deserve his demotion? Zeb Colter is on the head set for some reason. Whitey rules is the message. It’s pretty easy to check that stuff. Mitchell Cool opposed him but never said that Sin Cara NEEDS a visa to work in this country. JBL tries to get in on the act. Cesaro wins with the Neutralizer. Are they going to team these guys up? Still digging the Wyatt Family skits. I’d think they’d be able to switch it up a little more than they have though.

Vickie taunts Brad Maddox with her commercial. Vince McMahon and questions Vickie. Brad Maddox comes up with the solution. Have everyone at ringside so we can end with a big fight.

Randy Orton has Daniel Bryan in his corner. Roman Reigns has both of his mates with him.I really like Reigns look. As stupid as it sounds, he fits the black outfit better. Ambrose deserves some wacky type tights like Damien Sandow. Rollins looks like he wants more flair considering his hairdo. They get a commercial. Orton looks like he’s got the win. Rollins attacks Bryan and interferes. Bryan gets in a suicide dive. They flow right into their match. Bryan gets to unleash his offense first. Rollins ends up trying the Surf Board and locks it in. Bryan turns it around on him. Bryan locks in a dragon Sleeper from it. Rollins gets out of it with one punch. Weak throw to break. I’ve really liked Rollins’s selling in this match. Orton stops Reigns from interfering. Bryan with a small package for a win. Excellent match. Rollins is the the first one from the Shield to put together a great match. He’s lucky that Daniel Bryan is just awesome right now.

Big E Langston is Kaitlyn‘s secret admirer. Weird. What is up with that shirt big man? Shouldn’t she be a little wary since he works with AJ? Dummy. Everyone except you knew. AJ Lee comes out. AJ taunts her about being dumb. If Kaitlyn has no love, we can give her Dusty’s number. Kaitlyn snaps. Men just don’t get our pain. Am I right girls? More Wyatt Family.

Damien Sandow comes down with microphone in cupped hand insulting Sheamus. R Truth is his opponent. I start checking my phone because I could care less about this match. The Silencer for the win. Sheamus comes down. He just yapped from the stage. Steph is back on TV. She sends a lackie to find Vince. Steph sends the next person after HHH. Yo go girl!

HHH & Vince fall for it. They’re as dumb as Kaitlyn. It sort of works. The lumber jacks are at ringside. John Cena enters the ring. Ryback comes in the ambulance but walks back to the stage. And my DVR cuts out just as Cena tells Ryback to shut up. It’d been a good promo up to that point. Too bad I missed the end. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

WontBeSurprised

You can see the website for the picture well enough. If you’re blind but somehow reading these words, it’s from LOLpix.com. I will not be surprised when Curtis Axel is introduced by Paul Heyman at the 9 PM slot. My woman asked me who it was. I thought she meant Kury Angle. Oh well, it’s not a big deal. I saw the tease earlier today so I knew something was coming.

They start with ambulance. Ryback wants an ambulance match. Aside from the whole vehicle, what’s the real difference with the match stips? Ryback going full heel by running down the fans. Glad they’re putting some gusto behind it. I don’t think he delivered though.

One sure fire way to catch up, FF the introductions. At least Fandango, Wade Barrett, The Miz & Chris Jericho got entrances. But like any good match, nothing happens except for more WWE App pimping. Fandango and Summer Rae bring us back. Jericho ends up taking advantage of Barrett. The Miz comes in for the cheap figure four tap. Jericho partners with Summer Rae but then blows her off. I guess that’s what you call it. Weak sauce.

Vickie comes out without her better half. She rigs a vote for Jack Swagger‘s next opponent. Of course it’ll be Randy Orton. Very pumped about the Shield holding lots of gold. Kane and Daniel Bryan start witty banter then it turns into arguing. Kofi is the piece maker oh, because he’s teaming with them tonight. The Shield will have another easy win.

Sheamus gets the big win but Mark Henry gets the TV time. He went home. Jerry Lawler implies it might last for a little bit. Titus O’Neil is his fodder. Darren Young will factor into the match but Sheamus will overcome. Yep, he gets to eat some barricade. O’Neil takes advantage. JBL & Lawler are putting him over something fierce. Young factors in again which gets O’Neil a near fall. White Noise. Brogue Kick. Mitchell Cool even calls him game at the end.

I’ll still listen to Paul Heyman‘s spiel. I didn’t know Lesnar was taking a break. Good for him. Come back at Summer Slam. Oh my lord, it’s a re-package Michael McGillicutty. Curtis Axel has himself quite the playoff beard. His new name is a mash up of his dad’s & grandfather’s. Good deal. Heyam is surprised by HHH‘s appearance. Did the internet explode when he big footed a possible new star? Axel steps up. After a slap, we get a match between the two.

Alberto Del Rio and Big E Langston go at it. Was I not paying attention to the news or did I really not see an update on my boy Dolph Ziggler? Big E showing off the strength with the Del Rio cross arm breaker turning into a ring post baseball bat. Aside from a Lawler joke about Ziggler keeping AJ monogamous. Big Ending for the victory after some eye gouging.

Kaitlyn attacked AJ Lee last night. Layla El is her opponent even though she’s #1 contender. AJ locks in the Black Widow for another win.

Zack Ryder takes on Cody Rhodes for who is really in the dog house. I’m sort of in the dog house. Baby Momma Drama is dragging his feet on the move out. It’s time to draft some legal documents. Horray for friends. No, I can’t pay attention to another feed. Well, maybe I could if it’s silent like Ryback. Disaster Kick to put Ryder in the dog house. Ryback gets to pummel Ryder more. Mention that Ryder was Cena’s friend! Turn Ryder heel after this beating.

The Shield shows up for their match. I’m glad they got time to brag before the match. Kane & Daniel Bryan interrupt and bring a commercial. Kofi Kingston starts off the match. He gets to take a beating too. Bryan gets to be the hot tag. Lawler re-tells an already bad joke about voices in the head. Dude, quite after one bomb. Big six man stand off to break. Kofi gets to botch some offense. Daniel Bryan is awesome in the ring. Big surprise, I know. Kane gets the second hot tag. Double suicide dive. Kane & Reigns are in the ring. Ambrose & Rollins dispatch their opponents. Flying knee by Rollins. Spear by Reigns for the win. Glad they didn’t pin Bryan. More of a statement pinning Kane. HHH gets to act tough.

Kaitlyn & Natalya get to act weird. Cody Rhodes makes the segment much better than it had any right to be. No one is surprised when Randy Orton runs away with the voting. At least they didn’t fudge the numbers to make it look like a closer race than it ever could have been. Him and Jack Swagger start after the break. The match gets my attention when Orton starts selling a knee injury. More app pimping. I feel like it’s the Twitter rage all over again. So naturally they show the Twitter ticker after the break. Swagger gets Orton into the Patriot Lock. He had to switch legs. Ha ha. RKO out of nowhere. That’s his trademark more than anyone else.

Curtis Axel gets the big second entrance. Nice of HHH to let him follow. Axel looks a little bigger than the last time I saw him. The announcers are selling HHH’s injuries from last night. Almost certainly confirming that he’ll win. HHH is trying to shake something off. He can’t get back into the ring. Trips sits down for a spell. The doctor then calls it. I’m not engrossed. Or worried. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Sleepy_Puppies

My dogs crashed out early which is strange enough in itself. When you add an open front door to the equation, I’m really confused. Time to start this review though before I inevitably have to take them on another spin. Let’s roll.

I wasn’t paying attention to Twitter today so I had no idea they worked an angle on it. John Cena tries to climb aboard the Daniel Bryan bandwagon with his promo. Brickie comes out without the Brad Maddox part. Ryback comes out to merchandise. Doesn’t he know it’s summer? I’ll give the marketing department an F on this one. John, it’s two dollars that Ryback owes you. Vickie almost cracked a smile at the granny panties on a pole match. Ryback decides to go with a last man standing match. Mitchell Cool had “sources at the scene” when Heyman & Lesnar went to WWE Headquarters. It was a scary situation according to Jerry Lawler’s sources. Why couldn’t hey get real words? Real sources. They work for the WWE. It happened hours ago. You used Twitter to announce this angle. All of the information should be out already. The angle destroys itself.

Randy Orton is taking on Damien Sandow because the WWE liked their match on Smackdown. Sandow had good points but a terrible rhyme. Awkward commercial break as Orton is in the middle of a drop kick. RKO. The crowd goes crazy. Fair enough match but whatever. I dig the moment of going to the announcers but having Big Show KO Orton. Cool called it out then they went to replay.

My lady thinks it’s bull shit that she didn’t get to see Chris “Jerry” Jericho and his light up jacket last week. I agree. The traveling dancing circus are going to help Jericho judge Fandango‘s dancing. Lawler makes an awful ballet joke. R Truth comes out for more dance. Fandango leaves after R Truth wins on the score cards. This gimmick is ridiculous. So is this Lesnar angle. Just another partial answer segment. I don’t get it. I’m not more invested in the answer.

Daniel Bryan is challenging Ryback again. Ryback turns him down. Kane steps up. Ryback rules. Another solid segment. Dolph Ziggler is taking on Alberto Del Rio again. Why did I watch Smackdown? Jack Swagger decides to show his mug with Zeb. Dolph gets kicked in the head off a missed enziguri. Jack Swagger gets to look really good. Ouch, it looked like Dolph & Alberto took head shots with the ladder. Upon further review, sell job by Ziggler. Del Rio looked like he took one in the noggin.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

MoreThanAConqueror

I’m trying to conquer the internet but that will have to wait until after I type this column. My introduction usually involves something from the weekend. The problem with that is that I have a column in the works about it. I hoped to get it done today but work got in the way. Let’s roll.

I’m pretty excited to see the Undertaker tonight. It should be a fun match up that I expect to end in a pin on Daniel Bryan. I haven’t looked at the spoilers either. What fun would that be? Paul Heyman starts off the top of the show. He is there on behalf of Brock Lesnar. HHH is really there and Paul Heyman makes a fantastic face. I’m not sure why the WWE feels like they need to have the three man booth. JBL & Josh Matthews should be on Smackdown. Jerry Lawler & Mitchell Cool on Raw. HHH Pedigrees Heyman. I didn’t look at the MRI results but I’m guessing not too much is wrong with Trips.

R Truth raps horribly. Antonio Cesaro yoodles horribly but the crowd goes sing song. What the hell? Downward Spiral for the win. Why is R Truth winning? Woof. The Shield makes an entrance from a helicopter into some black tinted SUV. How cheesey. I give them an A for effort. D on execution.

Brodus Clay made his entrance before the commercial break. Damien Sandow is taking him on. They’re escorted by their usual crews. Sandow gets the roll up pin. A second straight who the fuck cares match and finish. Dolph Ziggler is talking to his championship belt. AJ Lee is thinking about going after the Diva’s Title. Okay, I’m glad they’re planting the seeds for Big E to break away or turn. Vickie Guerrero & Brad Maddox are giving Dolph bad news. I think Brad has freshened her up. They give us a review on CM Punk. The Shield get a new fresh video. Believe in the Shield.

Chris Jericho comes out for his entrance. Dolph Ziggler comes out with his crew. If Jericho wins, he gets a spot in the title match. Nothing happened before the break. Everyone is shocked. Big E finally gets a shot in at Jericho to spice this thing up. This crowd is trying but no one is going to live up to the post Wrestlemania crowd until they go to Dallas or Chicago. I know Columbus won’t even be this loud next week. Jericho gets a near fall off a superplex. Code Breaker but he brags. Ziggler puts his foot on the rope. Classic. Walls of Jericho. Fandango comes out to distract Jericho. Ziggler breaks the hold. Zig Zag for the win. That’s bull honkey according to my girl. Speaking of which, my four year old nephew calls Donkey Kong, Honkey Kong. I couldn’t help but laugh. Josh Matthews gets to interview Mick Foley. He talks down to Ryback.

 

With much less fan fare, Cody Rhodes takes on Sweet T. I’m glad he’s updated his ring gear finally. Ridiculously long underhook suplex. JBL is still trying to pump up Sweet T. Hell of an announcer but I still want him on one show. I enjoy separate teams. He has been showing off more of his offense as a baby face. Power bomb then pins him with a senton. This stupid gimmick may get him somewhere if they can both shake it at some point. Daniel Bryan and Kane are backstage. Bryan wants to go over strategy. They get attacked by the Shield after their spat. Good stuff.

Ryback is with Josh Matthews. He wants an explanation. He points out the obvious. Ryback is pissed at Foley. Mick is getting beat up tonight. He’s great at selling. Big E Langston powders up before his match. Ha. Zack Ryder looks like the sacrificial lamb. The crowd is just not with Ryder any more. The Big Ending. I have no idea why Ryder had to retire the last version of his gimmick. I continue to feel bad him. He could be in a Christian spot.

The Undertaker comes out by himself. The Shield comes in from the crowd. Kane & Bryan make “the save”? We get the regular match after another break. Everyone loves Old School. The baby faces are handing the heels the beat down early. Kane is the first man to sell for his team. Bryan gets the luke warm tag so that he can be the next one to sell. This is more than a luke warm tag though. Of course he starts to sell before the next commercial. I’m glad they’re really making a match of Taker’s appearance without him doing much work. Taker gets the real hot tag. He’s pulling out most of the arsenal. Spear by Reigns breaks it up. Taker can’t quite pull off the clothesline any more. Flying Goat gets crotched. Kane & Taker fight Reigns & Rollins on the outside. The Flying Goat misses. Dean Ambrose gets the pin.

Mick Foley gets to be in a segment with John Cena. Foley knows he’s walking into a trap. Cena gives him a chair. Fandango comes out his match. We wait for a commercial to find out that William Regal is going to lose to him. They let Regal have some offense before taking the fall. Downward Spiral. Jericho attacks him as he gets to the stage. Jericho offers his hand to the female dancer. He dips her. Good exploitation.

I’m supposed to pretend that AJ isn’t going to win this battle royal. She’s the only one who got a promo tonight. Tamina super kicks her head off. AJ plays dead to stick around. Layla eliminates Tamina. Layla starts to drag her in the wrong direction. AJ played opossum. AJ wins. Cool rightfully askes for updated references.

I am not finishing this one too late. Mick Foley can really turn it on when he wants to. Ryback ends up trapped in the ring with John Cena when the Shield shows up again. Cena leaves Ryback in the ring. Cena then makes the save with a chair. Good way to tie up that loose end. Attitude Adjustment after a look down by Ryback. Fair enough segment. Not enough for show closer. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

calvin-writing

Quotes from Jeremy on Facebook about Wrestlemania – #1. Yeah I totally got away with not contributing at all this year. Fortunately Kevin DiFrango was there for us all. (About my last preview post for Wrestlemania) #2. Kevin DiFrango wrote about WrestleMania 29. I saved $70.00 by not ordering and reading his review. I hope you do the same. (Considering I posted this today, Jeremy know his tenses very well.)

Quotes from Dusty on Facebook about Wrestlemania – Just read the quick results for Mania. The only result that didn’t make me want to jam a needle into my eye was Del Rio beating Swagger. Glad I occupied myself with baseball and old SNL today

Quotes from Eric on Facebook about Wrestlemania

I get the odd feeling we won’t be talking about Wrestlemania this year. I re-watched the first two or three matches last night. I’ll try and watch the rest of the matches at some other point to properly evaluate. When you’re watching during a party and having to explain past histories and build up, you don’t pay attention very well. Toss in trying to blog and you’re nearly useless. I’m home with two conked out dogs. Time to concentrate on Raw. Let’s roll.

John Cena comes out and gives a Cena speech. He is the only person that gets this much of a reaction unless you count the part timers. Ryback and CM Punk come close. Mark Henry spoils the victory speech. Cena tries to derail a good promo. Booker T comes out to kill a main event that should headline a PPV. I have no idea where Vickie Guerrero is. Booker turns it into a non-title match. Henry still delivers a good promo.

Daniel Bryan comes down with Kane. Big E Langston comes down with some guy with blonde hair and a woman who might be smaller than my sister. I’m glad this crowd is better than the one last night. Nice choice of the director to not show Langston tossing Bryan onto Kane. Langston wins with the Big Ending. That was quick. Glad to know that Ziggler’s briefcase will continue to not be used as he still pursues the useless tag titles.

Wade Barrett gets his rematch against the Miz who went back to the goofy jacket for some reason. It doesn’t fit his character so I have no idea what he’s thinking. I do like the new wrestling gear though. Of course nothing happened before the commercial. I was grabbing dinner finally so I missed Barrett’s spell of offense. Barrett gets to break the figure four. Barrett whacks the Miz off the post. Bull Hammer for the win. Okay. Can someone tell me what the purpose of Barrett dropping the strap in the first place? Vickie & Brad Maddox are yammering when Sheamus comes in. He gets a match but Vickie doesn’t specify against who. Glad to know she’s as tired of that match as the rest of us are.

Booker T is backstage when Randy Orton approaches. Of course he wants a match against Big Show too. Booker over rules Vickie. Oh crap. It’s going to be worse than I thought with just a plain old rematch. We’re on the brink of anarchy according to Zeb Colter. Damn, I just got my finances straightened out. At least I had a good couple of year run to enjoy it before anarchy.

Alberto Del Rio and Jack Swagger do the heavy lifting. No surprise there. Also no surprise that they go to commercial with someone laying outside the ring. JBL has been stumping for free speech but doesn’t want it when Jerry Lawler makes a Colter joke. Neither Mitchell Cool nor Lawler called him on it. Del Rio breaks the Patriot Act. Del Rio turns a second attempt into a cross arm breaker. That was slick. Swagger taps out. Del Rio starts selling his ankle injury. Dolph Ziggler comes out. He cashes it in. The crowd is going crazy. The WWE will have it on mute in the main office. Enziguri by Del Rio. Kick out by Ziggler who had to wait until 2. Ziggler gets out of the cross arm breaker with a partial ankle lock. Zig Zag for the World Championship. Awesome. So awesome.

The fun continues. The Shield comes out when the Undertaker comes out. Glad to know he’s taking off more time officially. I’m not surprised. Aww crap, they do love this three man group so much, they’ve made up another three man group to not make them singles wrestlers.

Dolph Ziggler gets to give a victory speech. He said that this is his Wrestlemania moment. It is about damn time. Great cockiness that he needs to keep. 3MB gets to wrestle R Truth, Zack Ryder & Santino Marella. This match is very exciting for all involved. You didn’t get into Wrestlemania, here’s your consolation prize. Cobra beats Heath Slater. Awesome, they showed Fandango’s appearance on Opie & Anthony. Nice showing from little Jimmy Norton. Kaitlyn got to give away tickets instead of having her Wrestlemania moment. Sheamus and Randy Orton are arguing. Sheamus tells Orton that he’s got this. Orton is sitting back too much these days.

Big Show was angry last night. He is obviously angling for a feud with Randy Orton since another feud with Sheamus will bore us to death. Sheamus and Orton talk more. Tweet my choice. #IDontGiveACare. After the commercial break, we get a match between them for a chance at Big Show. I do love the after Wrestlemania crowds. This is down right hilarious. RVD! JBL! Jerry! Michael Cole! Commercial break! ECW! Lawler is thinking the crowd might run out of chants. The announcers finally get to talking about the match too. The wave. Clubbering time. Randy Savage! HBK! White noise and the crowd boos. Missed Brogue Kick. The Big Show comes out. Sheamus into the post. Thank You Big Show! Finished off with a WMD on Orton. Nope, not finished off. Really setting up the feud. Big Show is looking impressive in the process.

Fandango comes out. Kofi Kingston gets to job. How the moderately powerful have fallen. I guess they didn’t want Kofi to job? Chris Jericho interferes. I’m fine with keeping the feud going. The announcers complain about their table being used again. Walls of Jericho that referees try to break it up. Code Breaker as the finale. The crowd loved it. They also love Fandango correcting Justin Roberts.

Paul Heyman is interviewed by Josh Matthews. He sells Brock Lesnar. Heyman moves on to CM Punk. He is going to let Punk do his talking next week on Raw. Interesting. I like the tease. The Bellas & Rhodes Scholars come out for the oops, we put P Diddy on the show instead of you. So what if the crowd crapped on Diddy. Tons of Funk & the Funkadactyls are out second. The crowd is loving Sandow. Double Splash on Sandow for the Tons of Funk win. We didn’t miss anything on Wrestlemania.

Holy crap, that’s a real shirt that John Cena is wearing. You couldn’t see the belt earlier. If anyone over 12 buys that, they deserve to be beaten senseless. Mark Henry is using the power to his advantage. Duh. Count out victory for John Cena. There we go, figured an attack was coming. Ryback comes out. So Cena will get another feud. Feed me more. He looks at Cena. Then offers a hand.  Cena goes to tje ropes. Hilarious. He’s got to be trolling the crowd. Meat Hook clothesline on Cena. Shell shock. Surprised this crowd is getting into Ryback this much. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Brad-Pitt-fight-club-body

I was a lazy ass for the site for this past week. I’ll home that trend doesn’t continue. I’m bummed that I didn’t get to my Guinness post for St. Patrick’s Day. That still may be coming. I still have to review the 6 beers I had in Nashville that are all brewed in the fine state of Tennessee. I only have one game to attend this week so I’ll hope to get typing more. Let’s roll.

John Cena comes out in black & gold in Pittsburgh to try and get a better crowd reaction. It doesn’t help. His promo doesn’t have Wrestlemania Main Event written anywhere near it. Glad John passed by the Pirates. They have a great history, just not a recent one. This skit is leading to a squash match. Woof. I like the Prime Time Players most of the time. This one was a terrible effort at an inopportune time. This squash match even gets a commercial break. Just wow. Forget what I said two weeks ago about the WWE writers waking up. Five Knuckle Shuffle & AA finishes the match after the break. Recap of Smackdown with Mark Henry, Ryback & the Shield. That was the next break.

David Otunga is fodder for Ryback. The crowd finally gets to the chanting for the clothesline. Shell shock. I’m glad he’s addressing Mark Henry. Vickie makes their match for Wrestlemania. I guess SD has a story line for this week. Granted, everyone knows that the Big Show is going to be the other partner. I was scratching my head watching SD.

Holy cow, another Smackdown recap. They are loving the Fandango. The Great Khali is coming down to the ring for some reason. Fandango wants Natalya to take a crack at his name. He’s going into a Brian Fantana/Ron Burgundy territory hitting on her. I wonder if he’s going to have the parquet by the time they hit Cbus in late April.

I’m kind of digging the R Truth wife beater. The whole outfit is a bit much. Damien Sandow is a good foil for him. I liked both of their promos more than Cena’s. Sandow saves himself by rolling out of the ring and getting counted out. Am I smelling a Rhodes Scholars vs R Truth & Kofi Kingston at Wrestlemania? Kaitlyn interrupts the Bellas who are fawning over Cody‘s mustache. I think I smell a Diva’s Title match too. Rhodes should drop the Bellas. Not even a contest.

Undertaker allows me time to catch up. Undertaker is short and to the point. CM Punk playing with the urn is awesome. I’ve loved his switch in focus away from the title reign length. Good stuff but not much to it.

Daniel Bryan & Kane are taking on Rosa Mendes with Epico & Primo. Mitchell Cool said that the mask hides Kane’s expressions. I guess he’s missed every single skit with these two since they’ve been together. Kane looks like he’s going to finish off Primo when AJ Lee skips around the ring. Epico takes the loss instead. Big E Langston & Ziggler vs these two for the titles at WM? Chris Jericho is proud of his Intercontinental Championship total. He’s interrupted by Fandango. Silly Jericho has been in full effect since his babyface turn. He’s not all that funny in this mode.

My mutt Kia can’t decide where to sleep tonight. She just took my spot on the couch. I skip over Alberto Del Rio‘s introduction. At least he has stopped using the car entrance. Cody Rhodes gets to lose to him.  The old shoulder into the post trick gets Rhodes his save face offense. Scratch on that. We do get a commercial break. The live crowd got to see most of Cody’s offense. Mitchell Cool explaining the Cross Arm Breaker like it was a complicated concept was really weird. A part of the crowd starts chanting “USA!” Cody Rhodes taps out. Jack Swagger ambushes Del Rio again. What a fall by Rodriguez. Looked like he rolled thru fairly well though. Zeb Colter gets to back up so that Swagger can save him. Good sell job by Ricardo too.

Booker T is going into the Hall of Fame. Good for him. I would have expected him to get the nod when they go to Texas again.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

ap_paul_bearer

We have to cover wrestling some time. So here it is after a week off and more to come from our shenanigans in Nashville. Let’s roll.

The WWE does the right thing and pays tribute to Paul Bearer to start the show. The man that awkwardly ended that segment comes out next. Thanks for giving your catch phrase to a real dead man, Undertaker. CM Punk interrupts before Taker can get started. I love the promo again. What a dick move.

They are really pushing WWE Active. I’m still not biting. Kane goes on a rampage against Punk because Undertaker can’t wrestle. Alex Riley finally gets some air time. Big Show comes out next. They recap more story that didn’t happen on TV. Here’s an idea for the WWE. How about less replays and more actual content on the show? Seth Rollins is taking him on one on one. SOrt of, what’s to prevent them from attacking like normal? Shouldn’t they be banned from ringside just to start with. Big Show helps them out with the angle. Triple power bomb. I hope that after Wrestlemania, The Shield progresses and breaks into singles wrestling or a singles wrestler and a tag team. CM Punk cries to Vickie Guerrero about Kane. She puts him in a no DQ match with Kane. Holy shit, a Smackdown replay on Raw? What is coming of this world?

Daniel Bryan was out before the break. We can Tout about Paul Bearer because we haven’t had enough social media on the show yet. Dolph Ziggler is his opponent. I think my boy might win. Big E Langston needs to start doing something other than look menacing. Commercial time. I’d be pretty cool if they made Bryan a legitimate threat again. I get the feeling though he’s headed for Chris Jericho territory. Fun counter by Ziggler. Doesn’t seem very heelish. Rocker Dropper only gets two. Awesome finish with counters. Ziggler wins with the Zig Zag. Big E drops Daniel Bryan with his finisher.

Tensai the dancing monkey is supposed to take on another dancing monkey, Fandango. This gimmick may be growing on me. GI Joe: Retaliation preview looks pretty cool.

Team Rhodes Scholars does a good mock of the New Age Outlaws introduction. People still love the original and will continue to love shouting “Suck it!” Brock Lesnar comes out. Billy Gunn tries to take the fight to him but fails. Good way to get him some heat. Paul Heyman does a great sell job on the conditions.

Kofi Kingston is fodder for Mark Henry. They show the show downs with Ryback. World’s Strongest Slam. Cody Rhodes hits on Kaitlyn but Damien Sandow brings back the Bellas. Holy smokes. You ladies aren’t the answer to anything. Vickie puts them in a match with Sheamus & Randy Orton. Ryback is out next. The sacrificial lamb is introduced after the Psych preview. I hope it doesn’t suck as much as the show Cena was in.

Heath Slater gets the nod. Good choice in the selling department even if we’ve seen it before. Henry watches from the ramp. Shell Shock. Drew McIntyre gets the same treatment. Henry walks into the ring and slams McIntyre. Shell Shock. Slam.

Alberto Del Rio takes on Antonio Cesaro. Del Rio cuts a cheese-tastic inset promo. Cesaro is starting to seem like Dolph Ziggler part 2. They keep putting him into good matches but he keeps losing but they clearly like him. Cross Arm Breaker submission for Del Rio. Kane loves his father’s ashes.

I’m glad they could give us more recap on John Cena & the Rock. More replays, of Brock Lesnar now. Sheamus gets the big introduction. Randy Orton came in before the Lesnar replay. WWE App still has more real content than the TV product. Randy Orton gets the hot tag though. T-Bone suplex out of Orton. Good for him. Not really a hot tag. Time for him to sell for their team. We may get a commercial break. Nope, Sheamus got the hot tag for reals. Rhodes takes the RKO so that both the good guys can do their finishers. Sheamus Brogue Kicks Sandow for the win.

The WWE App has even more real content instead of the TV show. The Shield attacked Orton & Sheamus. Chris Jericho tells us more movie footage because it is more important than TV product too. Wade Barrett gives us more movie footage. The Miz gives his same schtick. Jericho shows him how to stay somewhat fresh. The Miz and Jericho are going to fight to get a crack at Barrett. Wade is on the headset when they return. The old toss your opponent into the guy on the head set trick rears it’s ugly head. Is this what Jericho gets for Wrestlemania?

I FF thru Zeb Colter’s promo because I’m tired of it already. Jack Swagger gets Sin Cara to tap out easily. Alberto Del Rio comes to his rescue. More movie stuff. This time with Halle Berry. David Otunga grew his goat back. He gave her phone number to Kane. He kills again. I’m not sure how they talked her into that one. Or the movie.

They are not leaving much time for CM Punk vs Kane. I got 10 minutes by my DVR. They take a commercial break at 11:05. What a bunch of douches. They come back with 2 minutes left on my DVR. Fuck these guys. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

San Jose at CBJ

Time to motor thru an episode of Raw. I’ll fill in the amusing details of the Columbus Blue Jackets experience later.

Paul Heyman gets to pontificate to start the show. After a recap of course. He is doing a great job of selling himself as the victim. CM Punk wants things to go back to normal. Heyman mouthing “Thank you God” is hilarious. My girl disagrees. I thought they both solid the sickening love-fest well.

The Great Khali gets to lose to Mark Henry for the I don’t know how many-eth time. The girl starts the hate on Henry because he has small eyeballs. World’s Strongest Slam. Henry stalks Hornswoggle. The crowd chants “One more time” as Lawler complains.

Booker T & Teddy Long are trying to talk jive when Chris Jericho arrives. Y2J wants in the Chamber. He has to beat someone who is in the Chamber already. He has to beat Daniel Bryan. Booker tries not to laugh at Jericho. We get our GM fill with Vickie Guerrero. Paul Heyman wants time. He gets speaker phone time with Vince. They go with the DQ title change over stipulation. Seems like a good bickering point when Punk loses. I look up this video because of “The Dazzler” signs in the crowd.

Chris Jericho is out after the break. Bryan is starting to look really weird. The wet hair is a special odd ball touch. Fun match until the break. No surprise out of these two. This match has show cased Bryan as much as any recent match. Nice reversal into the No Lock. Sort of. Code Breaker. Jericho is in the Chamber. Fun match. I’d love to see them in a longer match.

Ryback, Sheamus & John Cena get to decimate 3MB. Sometimes it’s hard to believe Drew McIntyre was anointed by Vince about the same time Sheamus broke in. Triple finisher. I want to puke. Triple promo. Double puke. Alex Riley & Yoshi Tatsu get camera time just to get beat up by Big Show. Congrats guys.

The Big Show knocks out Matt Striker to start the interview. Then says nothing. Interesting.

Jack Swagger gets a manager. Zeb Colter is his name. I think. Zack Ryder gets to lose to him. Patriot Act. Snooze. Rinse, repeat. Take your choice. Swagger introduces Colter. He gives the standard “We hate the foreigners” trope. Booker T puts Swagger in the Elimination Chamber. Dolph Ziggler shows off his briefcase. He wants in the Chamber. Big E Langston speaks up. Booker T has an opponent in mind. It’s Kane.

Cody Rhodes gets downgraded already by getting to lose to the Miz while Antonio Cesaro is in the booth. The Miz attacks Cesaro so they won’t sacrifice Cody. Nice choice. The Miz swinging was a nice touch by Cesaro.

Brodus Clay & Tensai are still teaming. Only way to be a good tag team now, odd couple. I wish Rosa Mendes was dancing. Epico & Primo are getting rag dolled. Tensai splash for the win. The Funkettes take out Rosa Mendes. The flip over the top ropes was pretty sweet.

Dean Ambrose starts off the talking for the Shield. They all get their turns. They make a threat. The faces wait it out and turn out the lights. I have no idea how any one of the Shield wins at EC. They’ve had their asses handed to them in any even handed situation for their whole run.

Damien Sandow gets the mic. He runs down country music in a much more high brow manner than anyone ever. I do feel welcome. Alberto Del Rio is his opponent. Wow, Sandow dropped that elbow way too early. This match is ending with a quickness. Cross arm breaker. At least Cody got protected with a DQ. Wade Barrett gets attacked by Bo Dallas as he goes to the ring for a match.

Kofi Kingston is Barrett’s opponent. Barrett uses the old Fit Finlay apron trick. Wow, it knocked out Kingston. Oh, it was the Bull Hammer Elbow. Makes more sense.

I’m finally at Kane versus Dolph Ziggler. It should be the other match worth watching on this ridiculously long show. Snooze city before the break. Big E tries to intimidate Kane. It buys Ziggler time. Kane choke slams Ziggler even after AJ’s distraction. Ziggler is looking like such a tool these days. I just don’t get it.

The Rock starts talking at 11 PM. I only tape until 11:10. I could miss the ending. The Rock goes story time. CM Punk interrupts. The ladies love a shirtless Rock. Heyman trips the Rock. Punk nails the GTS. Hey, a heel got over going into a PPV. They got something right. -Kevin

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