Headlines: Chris Bosh loves pro wrestling, Hulk Hogan’s midget show debuts tonight

"I wanted to play basketball... *sigh*"

Not to distract from Matt Hardy’s failure of a life, but… Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh was on ESPN’s “Mike and Mike in the Morning” today discussing the NBA lockout, and the guys asked Bosh about the celebration when LeBron James announces his signing with the Heat, alongside Bosh and Dwayne Wade. He said he loved it because:

I grew up watching wrestling, I grew up watching Hulk Hogan.

That’s all well and good, but why is it that when I typed “chris bosh” into Google, the first suggested result was “chris bosh gay”? I’m positive the two things have nothing to do with each other.

In related news, according to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan’s Micro Championship Wrestling makes its debut tonight at 9 p.m. central on TruTV. Hogan is the celebrity of the Eric Bischoff/Jason Hervey-produced show, which makes sense, because no one knows the real names of even the most famous midgets (Mini Me, Tattoo, that guy from “Elf” who’s not believable in those dramatic movies, and that little creep from “Body Slam“). I’m sure midgets around the world are thrilled that, after years of trying to overcome the term “midget” and replace it with “little person,” Hulk Hogan has put his stamp of approval on the word “micro.” They’d probably start a write-in campaign, but they’re too short to reach the mail slot. (TM Bobby Heenan) -Eric

The Australian Media Is Retarded

What do you want from me? I have to make fun of these people.

Evidently in Australia, they haven’t realized that wrestling is fake. I hope I didn’t dash anyone’s dreams with that statement. If I did, please visit a site that gives a shit. According to this story (by way of Prowrestling.net) from the Herald Sun, they reported about an attack on Hulk Hogan by Ric Flair at a press conference in Sydney. This line got me rolling:

“This reporter narrowly missed being struck with the table and photographers ducked and weaved as Ric Flair took off his trouser belt and began to whip anyone within range.”

This sentence, along with the article itself, never actually says that Flair hit Hogan with the belt.  Golly, I sure am glad the reporter missed being struck by that table. I’m also glad the reporter used my grandmother’s lingo and called Flair’s pants “trousers”. Hulk Hogan was helped to his feet to help keep this gag going. One positive is that Hogan does know his fans and they’ll eat this stuff up and want to see him get revenge on the tour through out Australia.

The fact that this incident is being covered in a major newspaper just shows you the sad state of media, even outside of this fine country. It’s also more proof that dumb people are out there but somehow, no one knows them. -Kevin

Arena Results: Dragon Gate PPV taping, Chicago debut

Add three years to this picture and you get the idea.

Add three years to this picture and you get the idea.

Dragon Gate taped an upcoming pay-per-view, “Open the Untouchable Gate,” Sunday night at the Congress Theater in Chicago, and Eric, Jordan, SteveMHW and Derekstellar were lucky enough to attend. About 600 more people were at the show. Following are the results and a few thoughts on the matches. (We missed the Fray match, but whatever, you’ll read the results somewhere else. I’m sure Keith Lipinski took diligent notes.)

(1) Dragon Kid beat Masato Yoshino (14:00). This was a good match with the standard spots out of both Kid and Yoshino, but it didn’t seem like Yoshino was as speedy as he’s always pushed as (he was off the charts at the WM22 weekend shows, but he seemed a half-step slower here). Both guys kinda heeled it up here and there, too. After the usual “false” finishes (which are hardly false when no one really expects finishers to, you know, finish a match anymore), Kid won with a crucifix bomb.

(2) Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw beat Gran Akuma & YAMATO (14:00). Jordan noted that these guys seemed a half-step off as well. It was OK but not even really “good,” with Jigsaw playing Ricky Morton against, as SteveMHW called them, Baby Baron Von Raschke and Nicho El Milionairo. Quack won the match with a piledriver a la Owen Hart breaking Steve Austin’s neck, but with Akuma’s legs crossed and Quack kinda sorta cradling them. Akuma and YAMATO, being the good heel team they are, attacked Quack and Jigsaw after the match, until Hallowicked made the save.

We were then treated to a Young Bucks promo. Actually, I think Matt and Jeff Hardy showed up in a phone booth time machine from their 1995 jobber days (SteveMHW thinks Michael P.S. Hayes was their George Carlin). These guys are fucking clowns and can’t cut a decent promo to save their lives. But Gabe seems to like them, and the fans seem to be buying them. They talked about being not the team of the future but the team of the present. (Later we’d see a video of a promo of them saying the exact same thing. Dumb.) Jimmy Jacobs made his debut with Mustafa Ali at his side and tried to recruit the Young Bucks into his Something Something Army. The YBs didn’t bite, but then Genki Horiguchi & Ryo Saito jumped those plucky young buckaroos to end the segment.

(3) Naruki Doi beat Bryan Danielson (23:00). The announcer said the first man out “needs no introduction,” and Danielson literally got no introduction: no music, no lights, no announcement. It was awesome. The match was awesome. Danielson worked over the arm maliciously and meticulously as only Danielson can do. He kept going for Cattle Mutilation, while Doi hit all of his signature moves. Doi finished with the Muscular Bomb for the semi-surprising win. Then again, Doi is the champion, and Danielson is on his way to WWE, so it probably made sense. After the match, Danielson cut a classy promo about how he hoped the fans would keep supporting independent wrestling, and then put over Davey Richards as the new “best in the world.” Very nice, but oh, that wouldn’t be the end…

(Many-minute intermission)

(4) CIMA beat Brian Kendrick (12:00). Well, something had to be the popcorn match. Kendrick got a decent reaction, with the crowd chanting “Spanky” at him, although the crowd was split. We think that was the time of the match, but we forgot to pay attention. It was weirdly short, though, for superstar CIMA and returning hero Kendrick. But it’s always fun to see CIMA play to the crowd. CIMA won with his diving double knees. (I love those types of moves of his, but check this out: You know the move where CIMA bends his opponent over and puts the man’s neck on the second turnbuckle to dropkick it? CIMA set that up, but then started undoing the drawstring on his tights and pulling them down as though he was going to fuck Kendrick in the ass. He didn’t.) Kendrick just kinda snuck off with no fanfare.

(5) Davey Richards beat Shingo (25:00). Excellent match between two very hard hitters. Shingo had his head shaved, leading the crowd to chant “Where’s your mullet?” This was the first match to spend any length of time on the outside and the first to feature a dive (Richards using the Homicide flip dive but totally overshooting Shingo; man, Shingo has a real way about not catching his opponents on those moves… ask Mark Briscoe). They traded chops, kicks and forearms throughout and grappled on the top rope a lot (one of those ventures to the top rope resulted in a Davey Richards diving headbutt… OK, we get it, you love Chris Benoit). It’s hard to do this match justice, so just watch it when it comes out. Richards hit a shooting star press and cinched in the Koji Clutch for the submission win. After the match, Richards asked Danielson, his former roommate, to come to the ring to say what he’d said earlier. Danielson called Richards a good friend and the new face of independent wrestling. Richards then attacked Danielson, saying he doesn’t need anyone’s approval. Great angle, great heel heat for Richards. Jeremy loves this guy (so do all of us), and rightfully so.

(6) Genki Horiguchi & Ryo Saito beat the Young Bucks (15:00). The Young Bucks suck. They have a couple of OK moves, but they are boring babyfaces and look cheesy as shit with their tassles and “YB” on the asses of their blue tye-dieish tights and their “COME ON, BABY!” offense. The crowd spent their entire reactions chanting “H-A-G-E!” at the bald Horiguchi (that’s how you spell “bald” in Japanese), and Horiguchi was superbly entertaining in his reactions. One of the Bucks kicked the ref to bump him (whoa, Gabe, take it easy), so the Bucks got a visual three-count. Thankfully, Horiguchi sprayed blue mist into one of the Bucks eyes (good god, man, Russo called and wants his playbook back) then hit some sort of cross-armed facebuster for the pin. Blond Buck then started crying for his brother, begging the gods to deliver him a bottle of water to rinse out his precious partner’s eyes. He bitched, pissed and moaned at the ref like a good babyface should, then the two raised their hands at the top of the ramp even though they didn’t win. Oh, go away.

Overall, a fun card but a couple of off matches. Definitely get this for the Richards-Shingo and Doi-Danielson matches.

Come One, Come All…

For my next trick, I'll regurgitate the snake I have in my belly.

For my next trick, I'll regurgitate the snake I have in my belly.

It was mentioned in this story on Prowrestling.net, originated at Slamwrestling.com, that Jake “The Snake” Roberts and Kizarny aka Sinn Bodhi aka Nick Cvjetkovich will be main eventing the “Jim Rose Circus Show vs. Jake  ‘The Snake’ Roberts Tour”.  They say there will be a hardcore match that will feature “Picture something with a lot of circus stunts and crazy feats of pain mixed with some really weird trippy hardcore and lots of mayhem.”  I wonder what those circus stunts will be.  I’m hoping we get to watch Jake down a fifth of Vodka without using his hands.  Later in the match, Nick can light one of Jake’s burps on fire and then eat the fire.  The possibilities are endless which is great for when Jake passes out over in the corner of the ring and Kizarny has to cover him with a sheet and make him disappear. – Kevin

%d bloggers like this: