Stunt Granny Movie Review: Dead Man Down

DEAD-MAN-DOWN-International-Poster

Dead Man Down is easily the best of the WWE produced films but that also goes with the understanding that it really doesn’t mean anything. Directed by Niels Arden Oplev who gave us the tremendous version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and written by J.H. Wyman, the film follows the usual path of most revenge capers. It doesn’t break any new ground along the way but it does provide near two hours of entertainment.

Inevitably Oplevs next movie was going to be compared with Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and while this was nowhere near the quality it is a solid addition to his short film work.  There are some similarities between the two movies through the characters. Both Colin Farrell’s Victor and Noomi Rapace’s Beatrice are damaged people. Beatrice bears the brunt of her damage by the scaring on her face that masks her emotional damage. Victor hides his damage behind a quiet disposition that masks his plans for revenge.

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WWE Studios, Warner Bros. teaming to make Scooby-Doo movie… Kevin will love it

#ThingsAWDidntTweet Hey @CMPunk Scooby-Doo gonna take a bathroom break on yo face!

According to Prowrestling.net (and news outlets around the ‘net), WWE Studios is teaming with Warner Bros. to create an animated Scooby-Doo movie about a “WrestleMania mystery,” using the voices of WWE superstars Triple H, John Cena, Kane, The Miz, Brodus Clay, Santino Marella, Sin Cara, AJ, and Vince McMahon. I’ve read a few articles lamenting the absolute demise of the Attitude Era and how this movie signifies the ringing of the bell on a better era in wrestling history. Well, you know what? All good things must come to an end, and WWE would be damn stupid not to make this partnership happen. Do you realize what Scooby-Doo appearances did for the Harlem Globetrotters? They used to be the Harlem Harlemtrotters. Sonny and Cher? Skyrockets on their asses. Five-year-olds buying their records on a daily basis.

This is big news, not just for the pre-K kids in the crowd, but for the pot heads, too. It’s no secret that Scooby and Shaggy smoked weed (well, Shaggy smoked it and then blew it in Scooby’s face, like any good pet owner would), so I could totally see Warner Bros. leveraging their media ownership to give Adult Swim the broadcast rights to this movie in 2015, when we come back around to another era of violence and curse words. I mean, that is, assuming the movie is the least bit smart and funny, which it won’t be if WWE writes it. Even bigger of a travesty is if Evan Bourne doesn’t make some sort of appearance, M I RITE? -Eric

Headlines: Halle Berry injured, Ultimate Warrior accused of fraud, WWE sued over shitty theme songs

It’s here?? Fuck! That’s not good news! It’s tough! Tough to listen to!

According to Prowrestling.net, Halle Berry was injured while shooting a fight scene for her upcoming WWE Studios film, “The Hive.” Of course, this would not have happened if the illustrious Ms. Berry hadn’t chosen to slum it and make a WWE Studios film. What’s next, the girl from “Swimfan” stubs her toe on the set of WWE Films “Preschool Detective”?

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Ultimate Warrior has been accused of fraud. Now, 22 years and 100 Dave Meltzer “Anabolic Warrior” references ago, this “fraud” joke would have written itself. This time, however, memorabilia dealer Christopher Elias is accusing Warrior of taking $28,000 in exchange for autographed ring gear and championship belts, among other items, and Warrior not delivering the goods. (Unlike Warrior’s coke dealer, Reggie, who always delivers the goods.) Elias intends to sue if Warrior doesn’t comply. In response to all of this, Warrior stated, “FUCK! Fuckin’ fuck!

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, songwriter Jim Papa has sued WWE over unpaid royalties for multiple wrestler theme songs written for the “WCW Slam Jam 1” album. Thank god there was never a 2. I mean, we all fondly remember “He’s a MAAAAAN cawled Stang!” and “He’s simply RAVishing, OWWWW!” from the year that was 1992. But do we really need to fight for the rights of shit like this?

Let’s revisit these lyrics, which start at about 0:51:

He’s a guy with values, he’s a family man
Loves his wife and son and does the best he can
Only wrestler that’s not hard to understand
Rick-y Steam-boat, the Dragon!
Blee dah dah blee… in the sports world
(long awkward pause)
When a man’s only fantasy is still the same girl
(major guitar riffage)
FRRAAAAME and fortune, titles he’s won
(rockin’ in the free world)
His biggest smile is fo-o-or his son
(wait for it, it gets sexy here)
I’m not sayin’ that women don’t fall all ooooover him
But he doooon’t give in, he’s a family murrrrn

And there may even be worse songs on this album. But Jim Papa poured his Texas-sized heart into this project and deserves to be paid for all the joy and value it brought to the table. That is to say, next time you’re in Texas, throw a bum a sandwich, it could be Jim Papa! -Eric

David Otunga picks up role in a WWE Studios movie starring… Halle Berry??

A-whuuuuh?

According to Prowrestling.net, the latest news of the day is that David Otunga has been cast in a new movie titled “The Hive,” a WWE Studios project starring Halle Berry and Abigail Breslin.

However, according to me, the news is that Halle Berry, an Academy Award-winning actress who commands upwards of $10 million a movie (and bared her incredible, Esquire-“Sexiest Woman Alive”-winning breasts in “Swordfish”) has, after a stellar 23-year career, fallen from grace and taken a role with a studio that has produced such instant classics as “The Marine,” “The Marine 2,” “Knucklehead” and “Bending the Rules” with Jamie Kennedy (who, in 2005, was nominated for the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actor).

I mean, I fully expect the straight-to-DVD treatment for the former “Little Miss Sunshine” (who, in her Wikipedia picture, looks like a trafficked whore). What’s next, Julia Roberts and R-Truth in a movie about a runaway taxi cab? (Careful, Eric, don’t give away too many good ones!) -Eric

Randy Orton to star in Marine 3, seriously.

WWE just won’t give up on making low budget shit movies for straight to DVD and Blue-ray release. Up next is yet another marine movie but this time it is set to star Randy Orton. You may remember Randy from his stint in the actual Marine Corp that ended when he was court-martialed and spent 38 days in a military prison.

So who better to portray a Marine on film then the guy who went AWOL and went to jail for it? Imagine the pitch meeting for this movie. “So we have a new Marine sequel but to get that authenticity we need it to star someone with military experience. How about Randy Orton? He was in the Marines after all?”

“Um, he went AWOL and got booted after spending time in jail”

“Oh so he was in The Marines though? Perfect, let’s shoot him to the moon. All those tattoos and that ever present scowl and his animal magnetism will sell this flick.”

“Let me be clear, he was put in jail. He wasn’t even allowed to do Tribute to The Troops for a while because of it. This isn’t a good idea.”

“No he is perfect. Let’s get this greenlit immediately.”

This does beg the question; was Cody Rhodes too busy or beautiful for this role? What about someone like Kofi Kingston? Why do all WWE films star white people?  -Jeremy

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/7/11

1. Chris Jericho- He was voted off of Dancing With The Stars and has been silent since. Can he please return to WWE and get in to his ready made feud with Randy Orton already? –Jeremy

2. Kharma- WWE has done a good job with her debut. She scared a double chin on to Kelly Kelly but let’s face it, Eric would still crawl through used hypodermic needles to , well, you get it. Now it seems Kharma is a pet project of Triple H so she should be in for a sustained push. -Jeremy

3. TNA- So they are changing the name off Impact to Impact Wrestling. Whatever; polishing a turd eventually wears it away and you are left with flecks. After watching Impact this week I am almost positive we are on the last rung of shit from this company. -Jeremy

4. WWE Studios– So this failed venture continues to lose money and there is no talk of getting rid of it. They lost money with The Chaperone which comes to the surprise of all die hard Triple H fans who bought it at Wal-Mart since Netflix won’t run  because “that dang ol puter don’t got the memories or sumptin.” –Jeremy

5. Gail KimIt was just announced on Tuesday that Kim and Chef Robert Irvine who hosts Dinner and Restaurant: Impossible on the Food Network are engaged and plan to get married in May of 2012. Congratulations to them. If they have children, I hope their son goes into wrestling so he can get a push. If they have a daughter, she can go into cooking so that she can be were women should be. -Kevin

6. Bischoff Family Brewing – Eric Bischoff finally does something I might like. Unfortunately, per their Facebook page, it doesn’t appear that I’ll be able to order any of their new laws because of state and federal laws unless I travel to Cody, Wyoming. I was looking forward to it because Bischoff did say he got help from Yellowstone Valley Brewing who won a Gold Medal at the Great American Beer Festival with their Black Widow (Oatmeal) Stout. -Kevin

7. Christian – He got to hold the title for a grand total of about 48 hours before he dropped the strap to Randy Orton at the Smackdown tapings. Evidently the majority of the “internet” is upset about this happening. It’s a good thing we’re not in the majority of the internet. I like the guy as much as anyone but he doesn’t exactly scream World Heavyweight Champion for all of the reasons my colleagues already notes. -Kevin

8. Yoshi Tatsu – I’ve started a new crusade to get more people on Twitter to follow us. Zach Ryder is the popular go to guy but Yoshi has stepped up his game by using his action figure and one of Jabba The Hut to come up with some creative pictures and amusing one liners. Join Twitter, follow us @StuntGranny and Yoshi @YoshiTatsuWWE so that we can all feel more important about ourselves than we should. -Kevin

9. Nick Gage – Read these words:

Nick Wilson, the former CZW star known as Nick Gage, was sentenced to five years in prison on 4/29 in connection with a robbery of the PNC Bank in Collingswood, NJ, on 12/22. Wilson, 30, handed a back teller a note saying he would shoot her unless she handed over cash to him, and he escaped with $3,090. When a shot of Wilson was released, wrestling fans recognized him which led to police finding out his identity and he turned himself in. Judge Samual Natal also ordered Wilson to make full restitution of the $3,090 as well as pay the bank teller $150, since she claimed she was traumatized by the robbery and quit her job. After police were informed of his identity by wrestling fans, Wilson turned himself in and pleaded guilty to the bank robbery.
 
How much does it suck to be that bank teller right now. Suffered trauma, lost her job, only got enough for a couple quarter pounders and a large fry for her trouble. Sad stuff right there. – Dusty
 
10. Shane Helms – He and his girl got into a motorcycle accident a while back. So let me get this straight. He is pro Matt Hardy and pro motorcycle, but anti Shawn Michaels? I’m struggling to find any redeeming value in this “person.” – Dusty
 
11. Christian – He is Simpsons Yellow and is suffering from male pattern baldness at the ripe old age of 37 (in a few years he’s going to be exactly Toby from the Office), and I’m supposed to be upset that he lost the Heavyweight Title? As Senator Clay Davis might say, sheeeeeeeit! – Dusty

The Marine 2 has a trailer.

So here it is everyone. It”s the movie no one asked for but WWE needed a tax write-off so they had to do something. This time around it stars Ted Dibiase. This trailer pretty much disguises everything about the movie; unless you feel that an explosion, gunshot, explosion, gunshot, explosion, explosion and graphic ending explains a movie. I’ll give the studio credit though, they haven’t given a dam thing away about the plot of this sure fire fiasco.  Most previews give the entire movie now leaving next to nothing to the imagination. It’s embarrassing really but WWE films gets it. Oh, and no, it has nothing to do with hiding the fact this movie is going to be a giant chunk of shit. In fact, it’ll probably be a bigger pile of steaming shit then the first one. So, I guess The Marine has a keg up on it’s sequel. One thing that The Marine 2 could do to helps it’s case is including another out of the blue camp counselor sex story involving underage children. I loved that part of The Marine. In case you are wondering, there really is something like that in The Marine but I don’ t have the gumption to get  my facts straight. So look it up your self if you dare. -Jeremy

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