Eric’s Blog: Which @WWE released wrestlers would you hire?

Peace out, Cub Scout. -or- Yes, I will pay you 2 grand a week to be my TV Champion.

Let’s say I won the lottery, or a Nigerian prince wanted to deposit $44.3 million into my bank account if I would just give him my routing number. I would totally go behind Carly’s back and finally start the professional wrestling company I’ve always dreamed of.

Or would I? Has the free agent talent pool dried up in the past few years? Until today, WWE hadn’t executed a mass release of superstars for ages. TNA still hoards wrestlers like TV Guides. Anyone who Ring of Honor releases isn’t worth their weight in, well, anything, since they all weigh 148 pounds soaking wet. And most other notable names are old, getting old, hurt, or just sick of pro wrestling and are now working for big-time medical device companies.

A few wrestlers stand out as must-haves. I would throw my mom down the stairs to acquire Colt Cabana. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen him, but I was wowed by Go Shiozaki and would want that international element in my league. And then most of the other guys are dudes I know.

With WWE’s flush of talent today, though, a few more names rise to the top of the draft board…and a few don’t even qualify as the tail on the donkey. Let’s find out who’s who.

Evan Bourne: Any wrestling company who can’t find something for Evan Bourne/Matt Sydal to do doesn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. That said, if this cut had happened five years ago when the talent roster wasn’t as deep, we’d all be screaming “the end is nigh” for WWE. Today, there’s enough talent to feed an army and choke a horse, so Bourne’s departure doesn’t harm WWE one bit. It does, though, give another company a chance to score a real blue-chipper, a young, athletic man with an incredible look for mass appeal. He’s also a 14-year veteran who’s seen it all, knows almost everyone, and could be an asset to a locker room. Easy thumbs up.

Curt Hawkins: Here’s a quality guy with a nondescript look and a personality that just never quite shone through on television. But there’s something there, and whatever it is, it makes him worth drafting. Plus, he seems to be friends with all of those other popular indy dudes like Colt, Cliff Compton, Trent? and others. Networking is a good thing.

Brodus Clay: I’m on the fence with this guy. Every league needs a monster, and Clay could fit that role. With a mouthpiece, there’s almost no question about it. But he’s no Big Van Vader. And that’s what pro wrestling needs right now, is Vader, not Vader Lite. As soon as he figures out a few intangibles, I’ll say yes. But if I’m spending that Nigerian prince’s money, I have to table this discussion for now.

Aksana: I don’t mean any disrespect to the female gender, but I can’t see one reason why a woman would step foot in, on or near my pro wrestling ring. I’m in the business of drawing money, not spending it. She never amounted to anything anyway, and there’s no upside here.

Camacho: Ca-who-cho?

Teddy Long: Teddy is my playa, playa, but I’m not sure what role I would cast him in. No more heel GMs, no more ambiguous GMs, no more assistant GMs. Wrestling needs to be done with this now. Long is too old to referee. He’s not too old to manage, but he would need to manage the right person. (Brodus Clay? As long as he’s angrier than Rodney Mack.) Color commentator? (Too easy, pipe down, Maes.) I could see that, too. Teddy has value to a young locker room…I just don’t know what the ROI is on him. Pass for now.

Yoshi Tatsu: This guy got the second- or third-best reaction of the night on Raw… in 2009. I don’t know what he brings to the table today, except an embarrassingly unaware Twitter account. Honestly, this is an easy pass. I don’t care if he beat up Sheamus and stir-fried his dog for dinner; thanks but no thanks.

Jinder Mahal: Good riddance.

Drew McIntyre: If you can’t get over in WWE as “Vince McMahon’s chosen one,” you don’t deserve to be a pro wrestler.

Marc Harris: I don’t trust people who spell “Marc” with a “c,” and I don’t trust referees who aren’t named Mike Chioda or Jack Doan (“What’s up, hoes?!”)

JTG: I was always a JTG fan, when/and no one else was. I don’t think I was seeing things: During his time with Cryme Tyme, he was charismatic, athletic and funny. He could chain wrestle, he could execute a string of cool maneuvers… I’m really not sure how he got relegated to enhancement status, followed by complete obsolescence. I’ll take him, and Shad Gaspard, too, wherever the hell he is.

What about you? Who are your top 5 draft picks right now? Leave a comment below, or hit us up on Facebook.

Stunt Granny Audio #186

Gerald Ford preparing to listen to the audio.

Oh happy days! It’s time for another audio, once again manned by Kevin and Dusty. This time they openly disregard the merits of talking about Monday Night Raw. So what do they find worthy of discussion? Well, they talk in depth about Monday Night Raw’s ratings and how they compare to other shows throughout the week. They also talk about WWE’s bizarre fascination with Twitter and fan interaction, why it exists and how significant is it really. Why is Daniel Bryan getting pushed so hard when he seemingly fits into none of the brackets WWE typically likes their pushed wrestlers to fill? And why is he being pushed over guys like Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler? Is John Cena secretly the puppet master behind the scenes? And how many early season Saturday Night Live references can Dusty slip into the show? You’re going to have to listen to find out, and it’s only going to cost you about 40 minutes of your life, so do it now!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #186

Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

This pizza is a real product brought to you by Pizza Hut. Please don't buy from them any more.

I already want to toss my lap top thru the front window because of the Three Stooges hosting Raw tonight. Not a good start to the show. Then we got Johnny Wooden GM introducing a Brock Lesnar video package. I’m mildly amused that Johnny used the “legitimate” athlete line since the WWE is always trying to convince us that their wrestlers are “legitimate” athletes. I agree with the sentiment but shouldn’t you be less offended when people say that when you admit it? I also like that Brock has no catch phrases. Let’s see if they make chicken salad out of chicken shit with his first mic work. John Cena interrupts as Brock starts to talk. Nice, Cena just slaps him. Wow, the locker room empties. It gives it a better feel when it isn’t just refs. The WWE is more guilty of that than TNA. Less than fifteen minutes.

After seeing the replays, it looks like Lesnar popped him good that first shot then remembered he wasn’t in the UFC. We get our first yelling at of Teddy Long by Johnny. I’m so excited about this story line. Eve Torres wants to meet with Johnny. The Funkasaurus is up again. Santino tags along. Vickie introduces her clients Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler. Poor Dolph has pink sun glasses. I’m starting to worry about picking my boy Dolph as the Money In The Bank winner. I was hoping to see Brodus sell more but they go to commercial. Those evil dirt sheets said that Vince was worried about his in ring work. Selling is the harder part, to me. Just like playing defense in a “legitimate” sport is harder because it’s always more fun to play offense.

After the break, Santino is selling. Damn it. Mitchell Cool selling Swagger’s new hairdo. Ugh. If his selling point is his hairdo, Swagger has much, much bigger problems. Brodus gets the hot tag and finishes off my boy in no time flat. I’ll be fine when his act gets cut down time wise. Johnny tells the Miz they can talk next week. Johnny yells at Teddy Long. Cena says he likes to hit and be hit. Cena asks to be put in a match. Johnny feeds Otunga to Cena. Santino asks Tyler Reks & Curt Hawkins where the Three Stogges are. Doesn’t any type of air time mean they’ll get ring time soon? Another tag team that’ll challenge for the belts in no time flat.

Santino is still looking for the Stooges when he runs into Kane. People love his prance out. The Stooges are on Raw tonight yet they haven’t been on TV in the first thirty eight minutes of a two hour show. R Truth takes on Cody Rhodes. Oh, Smackdown is live? I got the legend’s part taken care of. We get more repeat angle from Big Show who taunts Rhodes. R Truth wins. Santino apes a line from “A Christmas Story”. The Stooges are in the aped crate. They use all the same tricks that don’t pack half of the humor.

For some reason, Yoshi Tatsu challenged Lord Tensai. He is not getting much of a reaction. A squash, even thru TKO, shouldn’t take as long as it did last week. The crowd chants “Albert”. Just say his name on TV and get it over with. The announcers are doing their job. The match was faster but the crowd is still not caring.

CM Punk comes out to explain himself. Punk is mad because the first thought thru his head was “I smell like my father did.” The crowd chants “CM Punk”. Not exactly the reaction he wanted, I’d guess. Chris Jericho asks if he’s still hung over. He then asks if he’s drunk. I love it. They’ve talked me into this angle. The CM Drunk thing is so hack. Punk is going to take out his frustration on Jericho. Chris looks nonplussed. Mark Henry comes out. We get commercials.

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Stunt Granny Audio Show #180

Reunited and it feels so good, Dusty and Jeremy join forces to combat the biggest stories of the week in the wide wide world of professional wrestling. Shane Douglas made a triumphant appearance on Raw that resounded across the nation. Or maybe it lulled everyone to sleep like a “good” Triple H promo. A-Train’s on again, off again relationship with the fact that he’s definitely coming back to WWE is apparently back on again, under the guise of Lord Tensai. If you have alcohol or substance abuse problems, you need to know right now that Chris Jericho absolutely HATES you. All that and a whole lot more so give the poor chaps about an hour of your time and an ear, why the fuck don’t ya?!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #180

WWE #Smackdown Spoilers – Cbus Edition

Smackdown spoilers. It's gross to show spoiled food.

So not to be a complete ass with spoilers, I will put Smackdown information below the Read More button. I do think that spoilers for NXT and Superstars is fair game in my estimation. I’ll post my Tweet (if you happen to not follow us @Stuntgranny) then any additional information that I can provide.

Tweet #1. – The parking lot isn’t much more crowded than last year’s #Smackdown I parked in spot 71 #GenoforHart (Post Show: So Geno is Evgeni “Geno” Malkin from the Pittsburgh Penguins. The guy was already my favorite Penguin. Then he decided to hoist the team on his surgically repaired knee and be the top scorer in the NHL. The Hart Trophy is for the best player in the league during the regular season. He’s the man.)

Tweet #2. – I go to my seat just for the beginning #NXT It’s a tag team special. (Post Show: the parking being more crowded did lead to extra people in the audience. Definitely not close to the 18,000+ in Cleveland for Raw.)

Tweet #3 & #4. – The Usos are taking on Darren Young & Titus O’Neil. The Usos won. They looked pretty sloppy themselves. Hm, wonder why they aren’t getting TV time? (Post show: I still dig the haka dance from the Usos but they were worse in the ring than Young & O’Neil. No surprise Tamina broke away from these losers.)

Tweet #5 & #6. – Percy Watson & Alex Riley are taking on Curt Hawkins & Tyler Rex. Who’s the coach in the 2nd group? Reks & Hawkins win after a top rope elbow by Curt. (Post Show: Not sure what to add to this match. Nothing happening for people who have been on the pay roll for a while.)

Tweet #7 & #9 – Derrick Bateman & hot blonde whose name I should remember because she hung with AJ will take on Johnny Curtis & some English chick. Maxine is Curtis’s woman. (Post Show: Thanks to @lecroy24fan who has a better memory, Kaitlyn is the blonde. Maxine was with Johnny Curtis. I should have noticed her too since I watched the Diva’s season of NXT before they went strictly online.)

Tweet #8 – McGillicuty & Tyson Kidd are feuding. Promos break down into a brawl. (Post show: No surprise these guys aren’t on either of the big shows either. I love Kidd’s in ring work but his promos still stink.)

Tweet #10 – I’m just to the camera left of the announcers in the 4th row. We’ll see if I get some TV time. (Post Show: They only taped two segments in my area. I tried to get on. I even pointed at my phone with the Stuntgranny.com home page up. I doubt I’ll be seen despite the proximity to the ring.)

Tweet #11 – Dude beside me thinks Maxine is a man’s name. He’s got to be brain power deficient. (Post Show: His buddy was on of those “Title Belt Guys”. Yikes. Plus, the dude wanted to blow and/or have sex with Santino. He also loved screwing with the five year old in front of us. His mom was pretty hot. anyway, it takes a lot for a twenty something year old to mess with a five year old’s mind.)

Tweet #12 & #13 – Bateman & Kaitlyn pick up a quick victory. Let’s just say Kaitlyn is mildly attractive live. @DustyGiebink I’ll pass along your new number (Post Show: The only person I saw tonight that was hotter than Kaitlyn was one of the waitress’s at Gallo’s. Smoking. The both of them. Sorry Dusty, I didn’t get a chance to pass along your number, or even my own.)

Tweet #14, 15 & 16 – Justin Gabriel is taking on for Hunico with his man servant Camacho. My Kashi Go Lean is wreaking havoc on my intestinal track. Maybe I should let a few rip to clear out my section. Hunico put a thumping on Gabriel. (Post Show: I wreaked havoc on my section later. No one seemed to care despite the fact that I grossed myself out a little bit. I didn;t think Hunico would win. I think both guys have the whole package. they just need someone to get behind them.)

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Stunt Granny Audio Show #145

I luvs me the twittetube!

Because we’re not always interested in the wrestling week in and week out, we decided to cover the topic of social media and wrestlers’ use of it. This topic was too big for just two men so Eric, Jeremy and Kevin joined in the fray. We start off my talking about how odd it is that two icons, the Ultimate Warrior & Hulk Hogan, from our childhoods are having a cat fight by way of social media whether it is Twitter barbs or Youtube diatribes that have distracting back grounds. The guys further the conversation by wondering what the end game is for some of these wrestlers. Do they do it to placate their egos? Are they doing it just to get their characters over? Do they think there’s a pot of gold at the end of the social media rainbow? The boys close out the show by talking about the social media firestorm that they were directly (we think) involved with, the Jeff & Matt Hardy tasing video. Kick back with more social media in your ear holes!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #145

Kevin’s Blog: WWE Draft Breakdown

The WWE draft is more of a swap than a draft.

The draft has been a joke for a while now. The WWE actually conducted a draft with the original show by having the general managers make the picks. I’m not sure they’ve used that concept since then. The WWE started conducting their draft like a swinger’s party. Everyone puts their keys in a bowl, you pull them out and one can get stuck with the hot or the fat wrinkly swinger. The WWE draft is the same way, everyone is in the pool, one of your brand members wins a match and then you could get stuck with the wrestler that’s the hot act or that’s probably going to get cut.

After making fun of Todd McShay in my Raw Blog, I felt like needed some dumb stats to lead off the review. I did a quick roster count. Minus announcers (I’m including Jerry Lawler as an announcer) and managers of which there is 11, you have 74 wrestlers. 30 of them got moved around plus one manager in Ranjin Singh who counted with Khali. 2 of the picks were “wasted” on John Cena so really only 28 people got moved around. 16 people went to Smackdown and 12 people went to Raw. There were 14 heels and 14 faces swapped. Let’s go to the basic list to start comparing them.

To Smackdown: Randy Orton (face), Mark Henry (Newly heel), Sin Cara (face), Daniel Bryan (face), The Great Khali & Ranjin Singh (face), Jimmy Uso (heel), Alicia Fox (heel), William Regal (heel), Yoshi Tatsu (face), Natalya (face), Jey Uso (heel), Ted DiBiase (heel), Tyson Kidd (heel), Tamina (face?), Alex Riley (heel), Sheamus (heel)

To Raw: Rey Mysterio (face), Big Show (face) Alberto Del Rio (heel), Jack Swagger (heel), Kelly Kelly (face), JTG (face), Drew McIntyre (heel), Curt Hawkins (heel), Chris Masters (face), Kofi Kingston (face), Tyler Reks (heel), Beth Phoenix (face)

Smackdown Analysis: No big surprise that Randy Orton was moved over to Smackdown. The program needed a number one face with Edge’s retirement. Orton had been hitting the glass ceiling around Raw anyway with John Cena. Give him top dog status. Which I find a little strange though because Christian is almost assuredly winning the World Heavyweight Title with Del Rio moving to Raw. There’s no chance of the WWE Title moving to Smackdown which makes me feel even stronger about that happening. Sheamus, Mark Henry and Wade Barrett will be the top three heels on the brand. One would have to think Sheamus will be dropping the United States Title at Extreme Rules since Barrett is the current Intercontinental Champion even though he doesn’t have a scheduled match yet. Sheamus is the only one of the three that can really get into the World Heavyweight Title picture the easiest. He could be the transition champion between Christian and Orton.

After those names, you head to what I said was “potential central”. Sin Cara (hot mess and moved to stay away from Rey), Daniel Bryan (He could beat Barrett to let him move up), Yoshi Tatsu (Was still over the last I watched Superstars despite limited chances), Ted DiBiase (needs to step it up more on the mic than in the ring but some there would help too), Tyson Kidd (Great ring work, in a bigger hole than DiBiase mic wise) and Alex Riley (It’ll be nice to not see him sucking on Miz’s teet). There are 3 faces and heels each so they can quarrel amongst themselves with some help for the faces from fellow draftee William Regal.

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