Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I got my new DVR set up for baby momma drama since he has a 49″ TV in the basement. I barely got the dogs walked in time to start this blog on time. Since they’re in Las Vegas, instead of showing one of the casinos, I’m going to give you the product that the Venetian is modeled after. Welcome to the Doge’s Palace in Venice, Italy. Enough babbling, at least from me. Let’s roll.

CM Punk gets a victory speech. Hmm, would not have remembered that Punk made the speech in Vegas. Big Show interrupts him. Show gives him his speech since changing to a heel. Punk replies with Cody Rhodes speech from the build up to Wrestlemania. Any one can say that they’re going to be the one to beat up the champ that will cost them the belt. I will not be watching the first Raw on Youtube.

I’m glad Mitchell pointed out that the Primetime Players didn’t look that way last night. I had forgotten the other two were the champs. I’m trying to remember who used the manager mic last time around. I’m happy for the commercial break so that I can finish eating dinner. I choose to clean while the cable guy was here instead of eating. Damn it, one more piece. I thought the mic gig was funny the last time. Abe is not doing the trick for me. I look at Twitter for five seconds and Truth pins O’Neil for the win. Abe flips out for some reason. AJ is texting when Daniel Bryan comes into the picture. Bryan is apologizing when Eve Torres interrupts. She tries to be saucy.AJ backs away from Goat Boy but still lets him kiss her cheek. Looks like she’s off the Punk scent.

Alberto Del Rio takes on Zack Ryder. Is this a get heat back match or is Ryder starting to go in the right direction? Del Rio wins in a squash match. Fabulous. Rey Mysterio makes a reappearance. I had pretty much forgotten about him. Rey dials up a 619. I think Del Rio’s feud with him was the only time I liked ADR. Why is Cool welcoming Rey back? He’s a baby face. You should hate him for attacking Del Rio unprovoked.

Heath Slater is in the ring when we come back from commercial. Rikishi is this week’s “legend”. He gets a solid response. Bansai Drop for the win. Rinse, repeat. And we get a dance routine with the Usos. The response is not as good as the Funkasaurus.

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Top 15 Pro Wrestler Commercials for Non-Wrestling Stuff

In honor of Rent-a-Center’s earth-shattering sweepstakes to meet Hulk Hogan and Troy Aikman, we thought we’d compile a list of the top 10 TV commercials starring professional wrestlers that weren’t for a professional wrestling product. These larger-than-life figures explode onto the TV screen with such abandon and fervor, such charisma and passion, that how could you *not* buy a pizza from them?

Let’s stick with the Hulkster, who hawked Right Guard in 1991 with the savoir faire of Robert Goulet and the acting chops of Mr. Belvedere. Starting this list off with anything less would be uncivilized!

Wrestlers seem to end up in commercials for food quite often. What was I saying about pizza and gargling copious amount of pills? Oh yeah, here’s Kurt Angle, following his 1996 Olympic gold medal win, ready to chow down on some Pizza Outlet:

Wow, wrestlers and pizza go together like, um, wrestling fans and bigger pizzas. Pizza Inn cashed in on the popularity of the Von Erichs in Texas in the early 1980s, but really, who in the hell is going to believe that 170-pound Mike Von Erich taught his brothers, ripped-ass Kevin and blown-up Kerry, anything about eating?

Keeping in the realm of food, I don’t have five minutes nor two scoops of Kellogg’s Eat Shit & Die for Mick Foley, but I do remember this Chef Boyardee commercial starring The Rock, pre-Hollywood but well into his puffy Nation of Domination days. Hell of a shirt, Rock; don’t date yourself too much or you might get chaffed:

Honorable mention: And because superstars’ shuckin’ and jivin’ doesn’t stop at the front door of Titan Tower, here’s Booker T and his big fat momma, eatin’ up all tha food:

I swear to sonny Jesus, this commercial with Andre the Giant made me want to try Honey Comb, and thus allowed me to become a fat shit for the first 28 years of my life:

John Cena, the face of WWE and hero to millions of children everywhere, can’t resist that double meat? Tell me he didn’t just say that!

And in the locally sold booze category: If I were you, Chicago Lake Liquors, I’d give Mad Dog Vachon a coffee break:

Of course, this wouldn’t be a discussion about great commercials with wrestlers if we didn’t include spots for Slim Jim! Here’s one with Macho Man Randy Savage and some teenagers, blowing things up Beavis and Butthead style:

And one with Ultimate Warrior and some more explosions (never let it be said that Slim Jim doesn’t understand its market; I still nice “Niiiice, antique!” every time I see a plastic chair):

More drinks: Man, the NWA/WCW got the short end of the advertising stick back in the day; while Hogan, Warrior and Savage were running wild, Rick Steiner was crawling around like a jackass with Roos on his hands:

And if you can’t land Mountain Dew like the WWF, get your first fattest babyface to drink the second-best thing!

Geez, I guess wrestlers and soda go together like wrestling fans and pizza and soda. Now here’s an idea I can get behind: Sting + population control, thanks to Sprite:

And now TNA is making deals with shitty auto insurance companies, because who better to hawk insurance you can finally pay for than wrestlers who only make $300 a week:

And finally, because we all go to our grandpa for weightlifting advice (“Back in my day, we punched a potato sack until our knuckles bled like stuck pigs! We put our polio-crippled brother on a rope and we dragged him 2 miles!”), here’s Ric Flair’s latest venture into advertising, for Fuel in a Bottle:

Oh, wait, we can’t talk about Ric Flair and TV commercials without posting Bruce Mitchell’s two favorite things in the whole world, wooin’ like Ric Flair and scratchin’ them lottery tickets:

Wow, 15 greats plus an honorable mention. Did we miss anything? Post them in a comment below!

So DDP does some pretty awesome stuff.

I have been sick for the better part of two weeks now with no end in sight. So, while feeling sorry fvor myself I came across this video over on GammaSquad. Check it out I sure hope this is legit.

Apparently DDP, yes that DDP, and his goofy yoga shit do work? How high of a fever can you run before hallucinating?

A quick side note” Water for Elephants” has one of the most hilarious endings in film history. Skip the rest of this shitty movie and go straight to the end. the elephant kills the bad guy. I shit you not. it grabs a pipe and kills the guy. -Jeremy

@ZackRyder: New Z! True Long Island Story features… Mr. Belding??

If you’re not watching Zack Ryder’s “Z! True Long Island Story” on YouTube, shame on you. It’s probably the most entertaining five minutes of WWE-related viewing available for free (and sometimes even better than the shit they make us pay for). This week’s show is simultaneously a good and bad place to start: For one, the “Very Broski Christmas” segment is funny in that typical, Ryder-is-endearing way, and the show kicks off with an introduction from Dennis Haskins, aka Mr. Belding from “Saved By the Bell”! (Wait… bell… ding… OH, I get it!!)

Not that I’m a master videographer or anything, but my one criticism of this episode is that Ryder inserts about six minutes worth of footage from Monday Night Raw into the show. Are you serious, bro? I watch your show to get away from Raw, not to relive it. Just saying.

We’re also treated to a promo from Dolph Zigger, and, I can’t lie, “Z! True Long Island Story” was the vehicle that moved me from “that shitty Dolph Ziggler needs to change his name or go away” to “the only reason I watch Monday Night Raw most weeks.” #GettingRubFromRyder -Eric

Stunt Granny Audio #162

Jeremy and Kevin are back in together and they’re ready to talk about “The Cowboy” James Storm. How did anyone ever think that Chris Harris was going to be better than him? Why did TNA build up Bobby Roode for months on end then have him lose at Bound For Glory in the first place? Couldn’t they have just pushed Storm instead of Roode from the get go in the Bound For Glory series? The guys also talk about what advice Kevin Nash could have given Matt Morgan, who was supposed to win the Series. In the end, does it matter who the champion is in TNA? The guys move on to Raw talk. Which one of the guys pulled up Youtube to get a look at John Laurinitis in the Dynamic Dudes? What does Cody Rhodes need? Are heels even relevant in the WWE any more? Are Jeremy and Kevin burnt out on the possibility of long term planning? Can they find anything positive? Those pluses come in three but you need to click on the link below to find out what they are.

Stunt Granny Show #162

WWE sends Hugo Savinovich to the unemployment line

Score one more for the #occupywallstreet movement. WWE has decided to send longtime broadcaster and multi-time Spanish announce table victim Hugo Savinovich to the unemployment line. He went on YouTube and talked about his release since this is now the norm for anyone who has a small glimmer of face time in public. He says WWE did not renew his contract but he has no regrets. He also stated he was in on every single destruction of the Spanish announce table and took great joy in the wrestlers pain. He knows he was a huge part of the WWE Universe and that he will be missed on the same level as Steve Austin and The Rock.

Of course I made all this up because I do not speak Spanish as my horrible grades from college will attest. He did thank Vince McMahon for letting him work for WWE and a bunch of other mush. Also, that bit about #occupywallstreet doesn’t really apply because Hugo isn’t some douchey white kid with no real solutions or point of view who is more than likely using their parents for money.

You need to watch the video for no other reason then it starts with a parrot. Now I am not up to speed on my parrot knowledge but why the hell is that things chest bald? Is it begging to be deep fried? Yum, deep-fried parrot. -Jeremy

Matt Hardy (or Matthew, or Matt Brand, or V1, who cares) leaves YouTube suicide note

In an effort to disprove the six-year-old theory that “Matt Hardy will not die,” Matt Hardy posted what appears to be a suicide note on YouTube. It reads:

Dear Hostess: How dare you discontinue Chocodiles…

Oh, no, wrong one. Here it is:

Goodbye, World… My time here is Almost complete… I only have a few hours & minutes… I loved you all… Regardless of how you felt about me… I’ll miss you all… September 23, 1974 – August 31, 2011.

Well, it just goes to show you that bullying works, and if you make fun of someone long enough, they’ll go away.

Wait, what? “Suicide” means he’s gonna kill himself?! Oh… hold on…

Hey, Bob Holly, nice bald spot, ya prick. -Eric

DUSTY EDIT: But wait, there’s more!

Jeff Hardy’s Wife Pissed Over Matt Hardy Hoax

Last Updated on Tuesday, 30 August 2011 11:50 Written by Ryan Clark Tuesday, 30 August 2011 11:50

An apparent suicide note Matt Hardy released this evening via YouTube has been confirmed as a hoax.

Jeff Hardy’s wife, Beth Britt, is steamed with Matt’s latest attempt ‘to work the Internet’ as police showed up to her North Carolina residence this evening on a suicide call.

She angrily wrote on her Twitter account, “When the cops show up to our house at 11 pm, for a “suicide call” the fucking joke is over @MATTHARDYBRAND. Stop trying to work the Internet.”

A fan wrote to Britt, “Who the hell calls 911 and sends them to the wrong f’n house?” She responded, “Apparently someone that believed the stupid video.”

She then wrote, “I guess you got what you wanted @MATTHARDYBRAND. Everyone is talking about you, again. But it’s not in a good way.”

Apparently Hardy feels suicide is a joking matter. Again, we appreciate all your concerns and calls regarding the video and tweets. Something like that needs to be taken seriously. It’s better to at least check and be safe rather than have it be to late.

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