Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

Trish Stratus and some dude at the 2007 NHL Awards. (Thanks to Zimbio.com)

Great, another three hours of wrestling. Can’t wait. I didn’t see any news of what awards would be handed out but I’m guessing that Michael Cole will make a big deal out of whether he wins or loses the announces award. Or if J.R. is honored with some lifetime achievement award. On to the show. Hmm, they didn’t say anything about an announcing award in the opening promo. How hilarious that they announced Arquette as a WCW Champion. And now he’s playing it up. Outstanding. What, he’s even killing Ready To Rumble. Even better. If he announces this whole show, his demeanor will get old really quick. Nexus scores the shocker award. Yeah, I’m edgy. Barrett stares at the crowd for a bit and gets good boos. He put a nice little bow around his problems. Glad that Punk is offering to read for the GM. The GM decides to throw Barrett to the Big Show. Weird opening topped by an impromptu wrestling match. Punk is destroying in the booth. Big Show has sold a thumb to the eye longer than anyone in wrestling history. And he’s still selling it after he gets the count out victory.

Tyson Kidd & Kelly Kelly are our next presenters. The announcers are still acting like they know the name of Kidd’s body guard. Jackson Andrews. Solid stuff by Kidd who still was a little awkard with the delivery. He needs to amp up the confidence. The “Despicable Me” Award. Punk deserves it. Hilarious that Cole and Punk celebrated together. The hairdo works for him. He looks slimier with a can of gel in his hair. Punk starting a long sell for his match up against Daniel Bryan. Just like Shawn Michaels did last year. Good platform to launch from. Bryan& Kofi take on Dolph & DiBiase. They take us to commercial.

Punk doing a nice job of dodging the obvious question. Good not to reveal it just in case Bryan gets injured in the mean time. Wow, Kofi dominated Dolph. Why does my boy look like this much of a bitch? No one but Kofi looked good in that short of a match. You have three hours, don’t you know, WWE?

Santanio & Kozlov present an award. Shocking. Pee Wee wins. We don’t.

Iowa Hawkeyes love substances, hate consequences

Do hawks have nostrils? You bet they do!

This is totally not Stunt Granny-type news, but I’ll deliver it in vague, smart-ass Stunt Granny fashion: You all know Iowa Hawkeyes wide receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianous went down for possession of things none of us have ever tried before, substances like dust, toot, The Lady, booger sugar, green, Mary Jane (she must be the other Lady) and fine stuff.

Well, word around the campfire is a few other Iowa Hawkeyes have been found flying Mexican Airlines and powdering the white pony. I wouldn’t touch this with A-Rod that was 10 feet long, but I bet that news would hit me like a shot to my testicles, which, since I’m one-quarter Irish, I have named McNutt. More to come?

P.S. This was posted at 2:52 p.m. central Monday, Dec. 13. If it turns out to be accurate, I totally want a Pulitzer.