Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of #Raw

This child is embracing the hate. John Cena should too.

After getting a review of last week’s ending of Raw, Kane comes out to talk. He says we’re all disappointments. My teams are a disappointment right now. Dear lord. Can we fast forward to the 2012-2013 season already? The Steelers weren’t going to win the Super Bowl because of their injuries. If the Penguins have one more injury this year, they might need more minor league players. Kane tells everyone that yells “Cena sucks” that they aren’t embracing the hate. Weird logic that isn’t holding up for me. Kane is going to get what he wants, consequences. That’s another weird moment. John Cena hits the ring and a brawl ensues. Cena is embracing the hate by using a pipe.  Kane pulls a Batman and disappears. Gasp! (That’s sarcasm.)

Sheamus is the next out. Nice of them to try and make Smackdown sound important. Sean calls to tell me to watch the LSU vs Alabama game. I pretty much miss the match with Santino & Sheamus against Jinder Mahal & Wade Barrett. I didn’t really need to see it with Jinder being buried deeper than a serial killer’s victim. Johnny Wooden GM tells us Brodus Clay will debut tonight and he tells the Miz to get protection for R Truth. Are they telling us that Brodus will be the Miz’s protection?

The first Hall of Fame nominee is the Rated R Superstar, Edge. I thought they’d give him a little more time on the shelf before selecting him. I’m surprised they think he’s this important. Oh goody, we get a second inductee tonight. The Miz was interviewing Mason Ryan who walked away. Zack Ryder talks scared with his dad but goes tough guy when Eve Torres shows up. He asks her out. Eve agrees. We know this isn’t reality. Kane was creeping. Him & his mood lighting.

Kofi Kingston gets to job to Daniel Bryan who may indeed be going heel. Mitchell is pointing out his cowardice. Jerry Lawler agrees with him so I’ll lean more towards the heel turning. Bryan turns a cross body into a LeBell Lock. That looked sloppy at first but mades sense in the end. Cool is confused since he knows he’ll be rooting for Bryan when he turns for good. Big Show arrives. Bryan says that he agrees the ending of the match on Smackdown wasn’t suitable for him either. Big Show informs him that it’s no count out, no DQ match on Smackdown. Doesn’t that even the odds for Bryan actually? Either interference or by using weaponry.

Royal Rumble hype while I watch the end of the first half. Alabama up 9-0. Only 6 more points to get to the last grand total of 15. I’m smelling swerve. Planet Funk? Funkasaurus? What the fuck? I do dig the fedora. More of a pot pie style. Cool is snickering. Curt Hawkins gets a rare appearance. I’m so confused. But I’m laughing. Is he going to have the dancing girls every week? Zack talks himself up then Miz lobbies Primo & Epico for some reason. Rosa walking away is her only deficiency. She could use some more booty. CM Punk laughs at him on his way to work. Am I watching Impact Wrestling? Those segments were way too short and randomly thrown together.

I sport a fedora like this one.

Johnny Wooden GM tells CM Punk that if he beats Jack Swagger that Vickie & Swagger will be banded from ring side at the Royal Rumble. I’d be fine if he was just an even keeled GM similar to that of Teddy Long who leans a little baby face. Johnny has had to many big decisions favor the heels to buy his current position. CM Punk dives outside to take us to commercial. A bit of a weird break spot since he was rolling him back in the ring. Normally one or the other or both are down. Dolph Ziggler dyed his hair this weekend.

The Funkasaurus gets another mention. I’m still giggling. Punk seems like he’s been toning up some. Not like Charlie Haas in Ring of Honor. I remembered to tape that again. Let’s just say it’s my opinion that ROH doesn’t test for certain medications that Charlie is taking advantage of. Oh my gawd, the ref hit three when Jack was supposed to kick out. Whoops. No wonder he’s still in the dog house. They replay play it like Ziggler threw a red challenge flag. Oh, it’s an example for the greatness of Johnny. Whatever. Replay of the Kane/Cena fight. Ryder is thanking Cena again. Cena reminds him that he’s in the top five of the WWE for followers on Twitter. Drink.

Ricardo is forced to take the beating from R Truth. Second inductee is the Four Horseman as in Tully Blanchard, Arn Anderson, Ric Flair and Barry Windham. Flair’s in already, are any of the other guys in? I don’t feel like checking for sure. Ah, JJ Dillion is included but didn’t get a small segment. Ricardo is calling out R Truth. He stammers through yo momma jokes. Truth comes out dressed up so he’s going to let him go, right? Funny, Truth asks that very question to the crowd. Wow, this is terrible. Truth is awful as a crazy baby face. La Cocaratcha. Ricardo finally gets the Downward Spiral which is when Miz attacks him from behind.  Eye poke is coming back into style. Miz runs away after an attack from behind. Wow, he couldn’t be going further down hill.

Justin Roberts gives a nice run down of Chris Jericho‘s accomplishments. Jericho seems to be doing the same thing again. OK, this is old. I’m paying more attention to the game that’s in picture in picture. Jericho puts on a potty face. Um, OK. Really boring. More boring than the game somehow.

Eve gets greeted by Kane’s music. Zack Ryder comes and takes her away. Lawler & Cool sell Kane being crazy. He’s rented a Kia Soul. I liked it when I rented one for Thanksgiving weekend. Zack changes a tire as Eve screams. Cheestastic.

Zack is still putting on the spare. Oh goody, they’re going to go back to that later. (That’s sarcasm.) John Cena comes down so he can’t save them. Or he does leave the match for the save and gets counted out. His match with my boy Dolph Ziggler commences. Ziggler gets the early offense but his showboating catches up to him. Zack is lowering the tire (of course) when Kane attacks. Zack gets a choke slam onto something hard. Cena does go out for the save. He gets attacked too. The old sock in the mouth again. Zack appears to be dead. That’s a little dramatic. Kane is standing tall. -Kevi

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